How To Love Your Wife

An older couple is eating dinner in a restaurant. The wife looks over and sees another couple about their age, sitting in a booth nearby. She sees the husband sitting close to his wife in that next booth with his arm around her. He's whispering things in her ear and she is smiling and blushing. He's gently rubbing her shoulder and touching her hair. So the woman turns to her husband and says, look at that couple over there. Look at how close that man is to his wife. How he's talking with her. Look at how sweet he is. Why don't you ever do that? The man looks up from his Caesar salad and steak just long enough to glance over to the other couple and says, well, honey, I don't even know that woman. Sometimes we just don't get it. Do we guys? We just don't get it. Sometimes women don't get us either. A couple of weeks ago we talked about last week. I guess it was. We talked about two key marriage principles that Paul gives us in Ephesians chapter 5. Love and respect. He summarizes everything he teaches on a husband and wife's responsibilities in the home in those two concepts. Husbands are to love their wives. Wives are to respect their husbands. So we're going to take those two key marriage concepts and flesh them out. Put some meat on the bones and see what they look like. See how they should be lived out in our lifestyles and our marriages. We're going to take three messages to talk about how wives should respect their husbands. But first of all, we're going to take Paul's first part of that verse and the command. And we're going to talk about how husbands can love their wives. And so this morning, men, it's how to love your wife, part one. And we'll get part two and three in the weeks ahead. According to Ephesians chapter 5, what your wife needs most from you is love. And to feel that she is love. But what does that look like? What does it mean? Well, I mentioned to you earlier a book that's been a great impact upon me, Dr. Emerson Egrich's book Love and Respect. And he talks about six ways that love is communicated and this acronym really does help to summarize it. It's summarized in the acronym couple. Let's take a look at it on the screen. Closeness, openness, understanding, peacemaking, loyalty and esteem. Those six concepts are ways that you demonstrate, guys, love to your wives. We're going to talk about the first two today. Closeness and openness. So let's see what love has to do with closeness, first of all. What does it mean to love your wife as Christ loved the church? Well, in part, it means that you develop a closeness with her. Now, let's root our thoughts in the Word of God. So we're going to look first of all at what the Bible says about closeness. The Bible on closeness, let's look at Song of Solomon. Would you find that please in your Bible? I know what you're thinking. Oh, boy, Sunday morning and we get to go to Song of Solomon. Wow. Yeah, we do. Song of Solomon, chapter three. If you're not sure where it is, right in the middle of your Bible. If you've been with us in Ecclesiastes in the last series, it's the next book. So, Psalms, Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, then Song of Solomon. Chapter three. Song of Solomon, chapter three, is probably a dream that the woman in the story, and this is a beautiful love story, by the way. Song of Solomon is between Solomon and his bride, probably early in his life, maybe even before he was anointed king, his one true love. After he would become king, there would be a lot of political marriages and alliances and so forth. But this seems to be the story of his one true love. And chapter three, most believe, is taking place while they are still in their courtship stage. They don't get married till chapter four. So, unless this is a flashback, it probably happens before they get married. So, what we find here in the first four verses is probably a dream that the woman is having when she has taken Solomon or he is visiting her in her hometown and visiting her home place. We know that he did that some before he came and got her in his royal chariot and took her to the palace to be married. So, look at this dream sequence here in verse one of chapter three. All night long on my bed, I looked for the one my heart loves. I looked for him but did not find him. She evidently wakes up from this dream in verse two. I will get up now and go about the city through its streets and squares. I will search for the one my heart loves. So, I looked for him but did not find him. The watchman found me as they made their rounds in the city. Have you seen the one my heart loves? She asks them. And verse four, then she says, scarcely had I passed them when I found the one my heart loves. I held him and would not let him go till I had brought him to my mother's house to the room of the one who conceived me. She brings him back to where they are staying. They are at her parents' home, her mother's home. But notice the expression, by the way, in verse five is that common refrain in the first few chapters of the book, a reminder to herself to wait for intimacy until it is appropriate. In verse five, daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and the those of the field do not arouse or awaken love until it is so desired. That seems to be kind of a poetic device in the book where she reminds herself that we must wait for intimacy until we are actually married. But at this point she just wants him close. When she finds him, notice her expression. She says, I held him and would not let him go. And she wanted him to be with her in the home where they had gone to visit her parents. And so that expression of closeness in love, a woman desires and longs for closeness with her mate. Now there are three other passages I want us to notice at least this morning. We have found the screen for you so that we don't take a lot of time turning back and forth in our Bibles. Genesis 2.24, we have looked at in depth a couple of weeks ago. This is God's basic institution of marriage when he starts it with Adam and Eve. And when he brings Eve to Adam in that first marriage, he says this in Genesis 2.24. That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife and they become one flesh. We saw a couple of weeks ago that this word united to literally means to cling to. The old King James Word of cleaving, clinging to. It literally has to do with holding or keeping someone close. It expresses a joining together face to face. It's an amazing word for closeness, for intimacy. And obviously the primary way in which this intimacy is expressed in this verse is the physical union of husband and wife. They became one flesh. They have a face to face close connection with each other. It's interesting that in all of God's creation, human beings are the only ones that are intimate with one another face to face. God has designed us for that kind of closeness. There's more than just physical closeness here. There is also in those words, found in those words, intended by those words, a spiritual and emotional closeness. It's a closeness that is not only indicated in the physical act of intimacy. It's also indicated as you move toward one another with a look or a smile or a touch or a hug. It can also be expressed in those kinds of face to face closeness type things. That's what God intended marriage to look like. That's what He said when He first instituted it. That there would be this face to face connection and closeness. Here's another passage that's really quite striking in this regard. It's an example in Genesis chapter 29. Let's look at that one. Before we jump into this verse, and I know you'll be reading it while I'm talking, but try to listen while you're reading. We're jumping into the middle of a story, and so it's not going to make sense unless you hear the story. Stop looking at the screen. Here's the story. Jacob has gone to Laban's house, to that territory, to get away from his brother, who's about to kill him. He's so mad at him. And while he's there and is working for his uncle Laban, he spies Rachel. And she becomes the desire of his heart, the love of his life, and he wants to marry her. And so he asks for her hand in marriage. Laban agrees to give him Rachel his wife, but in their culture, the oldest daughter is supposed to be married all first. And so on the wedding night, Laban tricks Jacob by giving her not Rachel, but Leah, her older sister. And Jacob doesn't discover that until the wedding night. And so he is incensed, obviously. Well, they make peace in Laban promises he will give him Rachel also, if he will work another seven years for Laban. And so he gets both Rachel and Leah as wives, sisters. If you can imagine that nightmare. Well, it does become a nightmare because Leah, the one that he does not really love, begins bearing him children and Rachel is barren, not able to have children. And it is after Leah has their third son that she expresses these words. They are powerful. Notice what she says. Again, she conceived, and when she gave birth to a son, she said, Now at last my husband will become attached to me, because I have born him three sons. So he was named Levi. Now at last, maybe my husband will become attached to me. Attached physically? No. They got that. They have got three sons. But she is talking about a deeper heart attachment, a heart closeness that every woman longs for in marriage. She is just expressing it. Obviously it is not there with Jacob and she expresses the heart longing, maybe now his heart will become attached to me. And we will experience that closeness. I think that is an incredible verse. Look at this one in Deuteronomy 24.5. In the mosaic law, this requirement is made. If a man has recently married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him for one year. He is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married. Now think about that for a minute. That sounds so far into us. But it represents the understanding of God as to how important that initial bonding and closeness is in marriage. How important it is that a husband and wife in that first year of marriage develop the kind of closeness that will lay a foundation for them to be successful for the long haul in their marriage. Absolutely critical in that first year. So in the Hebrew culture it shows how well they understood God's intent for marriage. You get married, you don't go off the war for a year. You don't have any other obligation laid on you that would take you away from your family for a year. So often the exact opposite happens in our culture doesn't it? Especially with young men going off the war. I want to marry my sweetheart before I go. Quite often that ends up being disastrous. Thank God some marriages are saved even in that separation but it's not a good idea. God knows that that first year is so critical to forming the close bond that is essential to the foundation of your marriage. Before the wear and tear of life prevents that from happening a husband was supposed to devote that first year to developing his relationship with his wife. And the idea of bringing happiness to her was to show her love and to develop that closeness that would make her feel loved in that relationship. By the way young Hebrew warriors were not mocked for that. A man was considered a man of honor if he gave his all on the battlefield. Yes, but a man was also considered a man of honor if he spent the first year developing his relationship with his wife. Nobody would be mocked for that. Oh mama's boy little sissy. Stay home with his wife for a year. No, no. It was considered a man of honor who did that. It was God's command to form that closeness. So the Bible teaches very plainly that one of the ways love is demonstrated especially to fill the longing of woman's heart is in closeness a close relationship. Now what does that mean to a woman? What is a woman looking for when we talk about closeness? Here's what closeness means to a woman. A woman needs a face to face connection with her mate. Think about it. Typically isn't it the mom who grabs the child's face and turns it toward them when they want their attention? Typically the mom who does that. Walk into a coffee shop and you'll find different arrangements of furniture. You'll find some plush seating and chairs. You may find a few square tables. Some coffee shops have round tables. Round tables, nobody sitting at the head of the table. Nobody sitting beside each other. Those little round tables. You've got to sit across from each other and put your elbows on the table and look at each other and talk. That typically you'll find ladies around those tables. Because they long for that face to face connection with another human being. Now, men, how do you provide that? You say, well, I'll take her to Starbucks and go to that little table. No, no. That's not really it. If it's not really possible in our culture to devote the first year of marriage to developing closeness, then how can we do it? How can we make that concept, that principle fit in our culture? I would like to suggest this. The first few moments when you come home are key face to face connection times with your mate. Now, I know it works differently in different homes. Maybe your wife also works. Maybe she gets home at a different time. Maybe later than you. But the first few moments when you are together in the home after you've been apart all day or whatever your schedule is like, are key moments for reconnecting in a way that shows closeness to your wife. Guys, if you walk in the door and the first thing you do is plot down in front of the television, or retreat behind the newspaper, or put her off to your garage to tinker while she fixes dinner, you're missing your best opportunity to connect with her face to face. The whole tone for the evening, even if you do work in the garage the rest of the evening after dinner, the whole tone for the evening will be set if you will take the first few moments and develop and nurture that face to face connection of closeness. So when you walk in the house, talk a little bit about your day. Help her fix dinner, or if that's totally a nathema like it would be in my home, at least I can set the table or get the water out, you know, I can do something like that. Or give her a hug, at least. Spend some face to face time in those first few moments. That's what a woman needs, but we have closeness to feel that she's loved. If you walk in and it looks like you don't even notice that she's there, you've been gone all day, but you're going to be quickly occupied with something else. Sure, she doesn't feel loved. The desirable woman's heart, just like Leah, just like God said it should be, is to develop closeness. But guys, I know some of you are kind of nervous right now. And us guys, fear that a little bit. And here's why. Here's what we fear. Here's what a man fears about closeness. He is afraid his wife really wants him to come that girlfriend across the Starbucks table. He's afraid that she's really looking for someone to be feminized. And you're just not going to stand for that, are you guys? That is not what she needs, and it is not really what she wants. She can get that across the table starbuck time with a girl friend, with another lady. What she really needs from you is some face to face connection time so that she knows you believe, and you're communicating to her, that she is special to you. You do need to find some way to move toward her, to show her your love by closeness. Now here's the way it works, both guys and ladies. Here's the way it works. Imagine, and I wish I'd put it on the screen for you, but imagine that there is a spectrum, a line that stretches across your page, and there's a middle point, and then there are two ends of that spectrum. On the one end of the spectrum, you could put the word involvement. That's the end of the spectrum that women tend to lean toward, involvement, that face to face connection, that desire for a relationship with someone else. On the other end of the spectrum, you could put the word independence. And that's the end of the spectrum that guys tend to lean toward, is independence. That's why first thing we want to do when we get home is go to the garage, or get the newspaper, or the time magazine, or whatever, and dig into that. There's that tendency toward independence on the part of a man. Now, men, if you do not understand your wife's need for closeness, then you will do what comes natural to you, and you'll lean toward the independent side of that scale, and you will miss the opportunity to show her that you really do care, that you really do love her. Ladies, for you, if you do not understand your man's tendency to lean toward the independent side of things, if you do not understand that he does need some space, then he's going to feel smothered, he's going to feel controlled. Somewhere, every couple needs to find that balance. The husband giving some openness, and the wife giving some space. Couples who find that balance, and don't go all the way to one extreme or the other, so the husband's not feeling controlled and smothered, but the wife is not feeling neglected and unloved. Couples who find that balance end up growing into mature and healthy marriages. So, guys, don't be afraid that she's going to try to feminize you, or make another girlfriend out of you, or you're going to become female woman, like, don't be afraid of that. And ladies, don't try to make them that. Recognize their mailless, their drive for independence, but men, air on the other side of the scale towards showing closeness and developing that face-to-face connection. Here's what it looks like. I'm going to give you some very practical ways to show closeness to your wife. Your wife feels close, and here's what closeness looks like. Your wife feels close to you when you hold her hand. Your wife feels close to you when you hug her. Guys, you taking notes? Your wife feels close to you when you are affectionate without sexual intentions. When you're simply saying, I love you, you look pretty today, you give her a kiss, but that stands on its own. It's not a prelude to anything else. Your wife feels close to you when you are with her alone, so you can focus on each other and laugh together. Your wife feels close to you when you go for a walk or sit out on the deck or the patio or the front porch. Anything that results in togetherness, you'll feel close to you. Your wife feels close to you when you seek her out, when you line up the date night, when you decide you're going to take her somewhere that wasn't in her schedule. Your wife feels close to you when you go out of your way to do something for her like running an errand that needs to be run. And you take that off her shoulders. Your wife feels close to you when you make it a priority to spend time with her. Your wife feels close to you when you are aware of her as a person, with a mind, with opinions, and you let her know that you enjoy discussing things and getting her insights and her feedback and learning from her wisdom. Your wife feels close to you when you suggest the unexpected break out of the routines. You go get take out, call her on the way home and say, let's go to the park and eat at the picnic table. Or you take a walk to see the full moon when it's out. Or you park on the bluff somewhere overlooking the hill and watch the sunset together. Your wife will feel close to you if you will move toward her to demonstrate closeness. You say, man, it just sounds kind of weird to me. Remember loving Christ as you love as Christ, or loving your wife as Christ loved the church. It's easy for you to say, loving your wife as Christ loves the church means you give a sacrificial love. It means you do what doesn't come natural to you. It means you do maybe what is a little out of your comfort zone stretches you a little bit as a man, but you sacrifice for her. It's not about you. It's about what makes her feel loved. And she needs closeness to feel loved. And so you show love for your wife, sacrificial as Christ loved the church by closeness. But you also demonstrate love by being open with her. So let's talk about love and openness for a few minutes. Again, we want to anchor our thoughts in the Word of God. That's the only legitimate authority for what we believe even in the area of relationships. So let's talk a little bit about what the Bible says about openness between husband and wife. Hope you have your Bible still open to Song of Solomon. Let's look at chapter two. Now, this is still in the courtship part of the letter where they're still courting, dating, if you will, as the term we often use. There's a little difference in those two, but I'm not going to split hairs over that today. But they're still in that courtship relationship. And what's happening here in chapter two is winter is over. And Israel winter is not so much snow as it is just dreary and rainy. And so winter is over and spring has come and the flowers are out and the trees are out. And it's just that time of year that everybody thinks about love. And so he comes to get her for a walk. Now notice, notice how he expresses this. He begins talking, chapter two, verse eight. She says, listen, my beloved, look, here he comes leaping across the mountains bounding over the hills. Don't worry guys, you don't have to do that to impress her. This is poetic language, you know, just showing his eagerness to get to her. Break a leg. In other words, verse nine. My beloved is like a gazelle or a young stag. Look, there he stands behind our wall, gazing through the windows, peering through the lattice. My beloved spoke and said to me, arise, my darling, my beautiful one, come with me. See the winter's past, the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth. The season of singing has come. The cooling of doves is heard in our land. The fig tree forms its early fruit. The blossoming vines spread their fragrance. Arise, come my darling, my beautiful one, come with me. Now guys, I will assure you, if you talk like that to her, you know, kind of go slow with this. Because if you start out that way, she's going to faint. You know, you'll have to resuscitate her before you can go out and see the beautiful flowers. But do you notice in the way he approaches her? He is very open, both his actions, his eagerness to see her and to have them go out for a walk. He's looking through the little adet, hey, are you there? You know, that kind of thing. He's speech, his words all demonstrate an openness, not a reticence, not a drawing back, but an openness to express to her how he feels and that he wants this time with her. Once to be with her, that's an open relationship. Then look at chapter 5 and verse 2. This is after they're married and he's been out working late at night, maybe tending the flocks and she's already gone to bed early. And so he comes in and verse 2 of chapter 5, she is speaking. She says, I slept, but my heart was awake. Listen, my beloved is knocking. And then he speaks. Open to me, my sister. I'll be careful with that one too, guys. In Bible times, that was considered an affectionate term. So I'd be careful about calling your wife your sister. Open to me, my sister, my darling, my dove, my flawless one. My head is drenched with dew, my hair with the dampness of the night. Obviously, he wants to be with her that night and he is expressing very openly his desire. Notice his expressions of love to her. He is very expressive. He is open in how he communicates his love. Now, if we were to go on to read the rest of the story, you may be familiar with it. She's already gone to bed. She's tucked under the covers. She's got her feet washed and to go across the floor. In that day, it would probably be to dirty her feet again. She doesn't want to do that, so she tries to kind of put him off. And rather than pushing the issue, he reaches inside a hole in the door that's connected to the latch and leaves a bag of perfume on the inside of the door. And then he graciously leaves. She immediately feels guilty about kind of putting him off and she gets up and reaches to open the door and her hand hits that bag of perfume. And she's reminded how much she loves him and so she goes to find him and inviting back to spend time with her. It's a wonderful story of a married couple. But my point is how he openly expresses his love for her with affectionate terms and his desire to be with her. He's very open about that. It's not closed at all. One other passage, it'll be on the screen for you. And it's by way of a negative example. It's about the man, Nebaw. Do you remember the story of Nebaw? His name literally means full. He was a man who lived in the time of David. David is not yet king. He's still running for his life from Saul, but he's gathered a group of warriors. And Nebaw is one of those farmers and ranchers that David is kind of providing protection for. But when David goes to collect his pay, Nebaw doesn't want to pay up. And so David gets angry and David is ready to get his warriors together and mount an attack on Nebaw's home and just take care of the guy once and for all. Nebaw's wife Abigail intervenes and keeps that from happening. The verse we have on the screen is spoken by a servant of Nebaw to Abigail to warn her about how upset Nebaw is. Notice what she says. She says, now think it over and see what you can do because disaster is hanging over our master and his whole household. In other words, she knows that David is about to come and wipe out the whole deal. He is such a wicked man that no one can talk to him. He's such a wicked man that no one can talk to him. He's a fool. He's a wicked man and nobody can even talk to him. There's no communication. There's no openness. He's shut down. He's closed. The Bible says that's the mark of a fool and a wicked man. So by a way of a negative example, the Bible is once again reinforcing the fact that to have a good marriage, there must be openness. An openness between the husband and the wife and the husband must be open toward his wife in the way he speaks to her and of her and treats her. But there are a couple of realities that complicate this need for openness that your wife has. A couple of things that complicate it. One is there is a big difference between men and women. Big difference between men and women. Women are more expressive or responsive. Their personality is more integrated. If something happens in a woman's day, if she has a spat with you in the morning before she leaves home, it will affect her mind, her heart, her body, everything. She's all connected. She's very integrated. Men, on the other hand, have a tendency to compartmentalize things. Something happens with us. We stick it in this compartment. But we got plenty of other compartments we can work with through the day. And that's why we can have a spat in the morning. We guys can go to work. We can take care of business. We can concentrate on things. We come home and the wife wants to talk about what happened in the morning and you're thinking, what? I don't even remember that. That was the morning. What does that have to do with now? That was last week. Men have an incredible tendency to compartmentalize our lives. And by the way, God has made us that way. It's not that one is wrong and one is right. It's just part of the differences between male and female. The way God has built us and wired us. We're made that way for a reason. But we have to understand that difference in order to make marriage work. Let me kind of illustrate it this way. Two kinds of electrical circuits. One is a circuit where you have 3,000 light bulbs and one goes out, all of them go out. That's a woman. And I mean that in a good way, by the way. A woman's personality is very integrated. One thing happens. It affects every part of her life. Now, Guy, on the other hand, you could knock out 2,000 of those lights with a sledgehammer. The other 1,000 would burn fine. He's that kind of electrical circuit. He has a tendency to compartmentalize his life so that if something happens over here, it doesn't really affect this part of his life. He can just keep right on going on all cylinders over here. And that difference between men and women often creates a lack of openness. Because guys, you come home in the evening and your wife is still wanting to talk about what happened in the morning or what happened last night or last week. And you're thinking, that's old history. Come on, let's move on. And because you compartmentalize it doesn't affect you as deeply as it does her. That's why in order to love your wife, you've got to understand the need she has for openness. Don't shut down. Don't close up on her. Open up and share with her. Big difference in men and women. That creates some difficulty. The second thing that creates difficulty in this whole openness need for a woman is that something changes after marriage. It really does. Is this news to anybody? Something changes after marriage. Think about when you were dating. Remember when you were dating? I see a lot of blank stairs. Remember when you were dating? Remember those days? For some of you, it's been way too long, hasn't it? When both of you talked openly and you shared your dreams and your problems and your trials and your hopes and things that went well with your day and things that didn't. And both of you did that. There was a real face to face, heart to heart communication when you were dating. And then something changed after you got married. Do you know why that happens? Again, it's because of the different way God has made men and women. Here's the way men see that dating time. They're looking for the woman of their dreams. And so they're willing to step out on a limb and explore just who she is and let her really see who he is. And so there is more of an openness, a willingness to share and talk and laugh together and really open up your heart when you're dating. But when a man finally decides she's the one. His dream is fulfilled. And a man typically goes into a contentment stage then. Now ladies, you need to understand this. It's not that he doesn't love you anymore, but now that he's found his dream and it was an exciting adventure to find you. But now that he's found you and you are his, he's content with that. And he settles into a contentment phase which to him means a shoulder to shoulder relationship. And we'll talk more about that when we talk about what a wife needs to respect about her husband. He needs a shoulder to shoulder companion, someone who's walking with him through life and he knows she's going to be there. But it may not require a lot of talking and a lot of open sharing and all. That happened when he was finding out who she was. He just needs a partner to walk through life with him now. Ladies, you need to understand that. Again, it's part of finding that balance of not pushing him to be your woman friend. But understanding how God's medium is a man. So that's how a man sees that. That's why things sometimes change. Now men, we need to understand the other side of the spectrum. We need to understand how a woman sees that dating experience. You know what that says to her when when you all were dating, you talked about everything and you openly shared. You know what that says to her? It spells love in big letters. Oh, the he loves me. And so when you get married, he kind of shuts down. It's automatic for a wife to think what happened? I don't think he loves me anymore. He doesn't care about me anymore. And that leads to other issues that we'll talk about in just a moment. But there's a it can seem like sometimes you're on different planets. And you really are in a sense. It's just a tremendous difference in the way God has wired men and women. The key is to understand those differences and meet somewhere in the middle. And since I'm preaching to the guys today, guys, it's important for us to understand our wife's need for openness. You were open with her before you married her. Work at least at a little bit of that now. So where you still share your heart with her. You still spend time talking with her and exploring together your dreams and your future and your heart aches and the difficulties and problems you're dealing with. Good things that are going on inside you. Be open. Now in this regard, there's one other warning that I want to give this morning. And it's a warning that Paul gives. And that is, husbands, beware of bitterness. Beware of bitterness. It's really fascinating to me how Paul puts these two concepts together in Colossians chapter three and verse 19. Look at the verse on the screen. Two concepts here. And it might not seem at first how they fit together. Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them. You know those two things do go together. If you love your wife, you will not become bitter. If you become bitter against your wife, you're not loving her like you should. Now here's how it works. The word bitter, embittered literally means to be angry, upset, irritated, some translations even use exasperated. It's that churning feeling inside. It's when you begin to feel resentful and you become harsh and you begin to shut down. You close your heart toward her. And so there's no openness anymore. The openness equals no openness. You've shut down. You're resentful. You're angry. You're exasperated. Now here's why that happens or at least how it often happens in a marriage. Your wife is still looking for that openness that you graced her with when you were winning her. When you were wooing her. She still wants that openness of sharing and a real heart to heart face to face connection. She still longs for that. And so she wants to connect with you but you're not letting her. And so she starts asking questions. And she starts priming the pump to get information. Starts trying to pull information out of you. And you know how you take that, don't you? She's snooping. She's prying into my life. Or maybe she's criticizing me. She's really telling me I'm not all I should be. Or even worse yet, she's trying to control me. That's how men often interpret that cry for openness on the part of their wives. And when men misunderstand that cry for openness by asking questions and trying to pull information out of you. When they misunderstand that cry for openness, they get bitter. We get bitter. We get angry. We get exasperated. We get frustrated. And we just shut down even more. It's a vicious cycle. And that's why Paul links the two in Colossians 3. If you don't want to become bitter against your wife, then do the first part of the verse. Love her. Say, I love her. Yeah, but are you loving her like Christ loved the church, putting her needs first, one of which is to feel loved by openness toward her? Are you really thinking of her, not just you? Are you loving her sacrificially as Christ loved the church? Understand why she is trying to pull information out of you. She wants openness. She wants to know that you love her. And that's communicated at least in part by openness. And so that's the reason why God puts this command and this caution side by side. Love your wife intended meaning, because of the word Paul uses, love her as Christ loved the church sacrificially and don't get bitter. Those two go together. Now, here's what openness looks like. You say, okay, how do I do this? Guys, many of us in this room this morning have a decision to make. We can close ourselves off. We can refuse to be open. Or we can purpose to move toward our wives and connect with them, or reconnect with them on a level that really shows openness. What does it look like? Your wife feels you are open with her when you start sharing your feelings. Talking about your day and your difficulties. Now, I know guys, that's not easy, because Jeanne and I have made it a pattern to talk about our day. But for me as a list maker, I just kind of like the report. I could show her my PDA and the list of stuff. And that would suffice. I wouldn't have to say a word. Did this, this, this, this, this, this, this today? There you go. That was my day. You know, and I understand that it's a little out of our comfort zone to really open up and say, you know, this is really frustrated me today. And I really found joy in this today. God was so good to me in this today, but that will really demonstrate love to your wife when you share your feelings about your day and difficulties. Your wife will believe you are open with her when you say, let's talk and you ask her what she's feeling. You ask her what she's gone through during the day. Or you ask for her opinion on an important issue. Your wife will feel like you're open with her when your face shows that you really want to talk. You've got relaxed body language. There's good eye contact. You're not behind the newspaper or staring at sports center while you grunt out of you. Yeah, yeah, right. Yeah. No, you, you show in your body language and your focus that you really do want to listen to her and talk with her. And guys, we all need to be careful about sounding harsh. I find myself doing this sometimes when I'm just kind of rattling off what's happened during the day. I'm reporting, you know, and this happened and I happen to have and we guys have a tendency to express the facts and our opinions about them. And we can really get kind of up the decibel level and get kind of harsh. And our wives take it as we're mad at them. We're fussing at them. It may not be that way at all, but guys be careful how you sound. Or why feels that you're open with her when you take her for a walk or you just sit down to talk with her and reminisce about maybe how you matter. Remember what was like when the kids were growing up or remember this. Remember that trip we took or talk about the problems you may be having. Your wife feels you're open with her when you pray with her. For some reasons, one of the hardest things for husbands to do is to pray with their wives. I will be honest and admit to you for years I found it difficult to pray with Jeannie. I thank God for many years. That's not been the case, but for years I did. I understand that. And you know why? Jeannie has always had a part to her spirituality and her relationship with God that exceeds mine. And believe it or not, I have felt intimidated by her at times and her walk with God. And so it's kind of hard for me to be okay. Well, it's going to pray when she could probably pray and much better than I can. But she needs you to be that spiritual leader, guys. She will feel close to you when you say honey before we go to sleep tonight. Let's just thank the Lord for our day and let's pray for our kids and whatever. She will feel you are open with her when you give your full attention, not grunting responses as you watch sports center or letterman. Not while you're reading the newspaper or dashing off a few e-mails. She will feel you're open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or difficulties. Ideas for your future include her in your life. Be open with her. Now guys, I know how some of you are feeling. I had a guy walk out after the first service and he took my hand. He said, I used to like your sermons and he walked on out. Okay. I know how we're feeling because this has been stretching for me as well. And some of us are going to be tempted to say today I had no idea what I was getting into when I married this sensitive creature. This person that wants all this closeness and openness and you're going to be tempted to say just stop being so sensitive. Come on man up. Try that one. God didn't make her to man up. Okay. She's not a man. If you're going to love her like Christ loved the church and men whether we like it or not, that's our command. If we're going to love our wives sacrificially, then we have got to move toward them with an understanding of what it takes for them to feel loved. And the Bible clarifies a wife needs that closeness. That's what Leah was longing for. Maybe he'll be attached to me now. Long for that closeness. And a wife needs openness. Don't shut down. Don't withdraw. Don't retreat. Don't pull away. Don't get involved in your world so deep that you just exclude her. Be open toward her. If you do those two things, men and a few others will look at in the next few weeks, then you will love your wife like Christ loved the church. Let's commit ourselves to doing that better. Father, pray for myself and I pray for all of the husbands in this room today that we will seek to better love our wives as Christ loved the church, that we will give of ourselves sacrificially out of our comfort zone, that we will stretch ourselves to develop closeness, to develop openness, to cultivate love. And thus fulfill your command to us, to love our wives as Christ loved the church, to love them and not be bitter against them. Lord, in this culture and in this day when marriage is under such incredible attack, may we as your people lift the standard high and live it out in such a way that will say to everyone watching us. There's something different about these people. May we reflect Christ and the church in our relationships with each other. We pray in Jesus' name. Amen.