How To Love Your Wife (2)

The story is told of a fellow walking on a deserted area of beach in California. As he's walking along, he gets toward the end of the day and sun is setting. He notices something in the sand that he walks over. Notice it's an exquisite old jar vase of some kind in the sand. So he digs it out, brushes it off. There's a cork in it, so he pulls the cork out. To his utter amazement, a genie comes out and stands in full form. He's so taken aback and so amazes. He doesn't know what to think. He doesn't know quite what to say. And finally, after a few moments, the genie says, okay, you know the routine, you get one wish, whatever you want. Just let me know. I'll take care of it. The guy's still trying to recover from this unexpected occurrence. And so he finally thinks of something. He says, you know, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii. But I'm scared to death to fly. Could you build a road between Los Angeles and Honolulu? And the genie said, well, I've never had a request like that. I just don't know if I can pull that off or not. The environmental effect of such a road would be just tremendous. And the permits that would be needed would just take forever. I just don't think we can do that. Don't you have another wish? The guy thought for a minute and he said, well, you know, I have always wanted to understand women. And the genie shot back, you want two lanes or four. Well, one of the most common jokes about marriage is that men simply cannot understand women. In fact, some fathers tell their sons, I got one piece of advice for you son before you get married. Don't even try to ever understand her. No need to even try. You'll never understand women. The only problem with that advice and the only problem with the jokes of women is they go completely contrary to a very clear principle of Scripture, a very clear command of Scripture. We've been looking at marriage in the last few weeks and we've actually been looking at two basic foundational principles that Paul lays out in Ephesians chapter 5. He summarizes everything he has to say about husbands in this. Husbands love your wives and he's given us the model for that. It's as Christ loves the church. And then he summarizes everything he says to the women, to the wives, in this statement, wives see to it that you respect your husbands. Ephesians 5.33 is the passage and we saw that a couple of three weeks ago that that summarizes a lot of what God wants to take place in your marriage. Now, the example is Christ and the church. The example for respecting a husband is the example of the church's relationship to Christ. So we're taking several weeks to kind of flesh those two basic principles out. And we've started with the men. Men, what does it look like to love your wife? Three messages on that. And some of you have already asked me, are we ever going to get to the ladies? We will. But we're going to deal with them in the order in which they appear. In verse 33 of Ephesians 5, and that is the first one is men love your wives. And so we saw last week an acronym of six key ingredients to loving your wife. What does it mean to love your wife? It's found in this acronym or at least one way to describe it would be this way in the acronym couple. By closeness, by openness, by understanding, by peacemaking, by loyalty, and by esteem. And we're looking at the biblical principles that kind of put flesh on the bones of that structure to help us understand what it means to love our wives like Christ love the church. Last week, we looked at what it means to love our wives by closeness and openness. This week, we look at the next two, understanding and peacemaking. So let's get into the scriptures and find out what the Bible says about love and understanding. There's the passage in 1 Peter chapter 3, that is the clear command I was referencing earlier. 1 Peter 3, 7, if you don't have it, look at it there in your Bible. Please open your Bible to 1 Peter chapter 3, where Peter says in verse 7, In the same way, be considerate as you live with your wives and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life so that nothing will hinder your prayers. Love and understanding, what does it mean? Well, the verse begins with our responsibility to understand our wives. And Peter starts with a clear command. It is not a suggestion, it is not just an idea among many, it is a clear command. Notice how he phrases it, verse 7, husbands, in the same way, be considerate as you live with your wives. That's the command, very clear. Now, if we were doing a study in 1 Peter, we would go back and build up to this. Peter does say in the same way, what ways he is talking about. Well, from chapter 2, verse 11, he has been talking about the responsibility that we have to submit to proper authorities. And he is talking about responding to political authority or governmental authority over us. He has talked about slaves and masters or we would apply that to the workplace today and the authorities that are over us in the workplace. He has talked about wives being submissive to their husbands in chapter 3, verses 1 through 6. And he says, husbands in the same way. In other words, in the same spirit with the same attitude that you are to be considerate as you live with your wives. The word be considerate actually comes from one of the words in the New Testament for knowledge. But it is a particular word for knowledge which has to mean not just it's there automatically, we instinctively know something. It's a word for knowledge which actually has to do with inquiry, with investigation, with a learning process, a coming to know. To be considerate means that you understand that you come to know that you do whatever investigation is needed to understand your wife. That is the clear command. And it is obvious from the very word that you use which has to do with a process of learning. It's obvious that this takes both effort and time. This doesn't happen overnight. And there's a little bit of truth to the saying that men just don't understand women. And by the way, women don't really understand men either. One of the purposes of this series is to help us to understand the great differences between how God has made us so that we can come to understand each other better and thus work toward a better marriage. But Peter says, take time. Give the effort to learn, to investigate, to inquire, to gain knowledge so that you understand your wife. Guys, it's going to take some efforts. It's going to take some time. In other words, you need to apply yourself. We need to apply ourselves as husbands to understanding learning what are our wives, personal aspirations and goals. What do they want out of life? What are they really interested in? What are her interests? What are her weaknesses? What are her strengths? What are her gifts? And how does she best express those? Bill Heibles in his book, Honest to God, which deals with living an authentic Christian life talks about that early in their marriage, he tried to get his wife Lynn to change. To be more like him. He's a pastor of a high profile church outside of Chicago and he speaks all over the world. And he's very energetic, very outgoing, very much a people person. And he was kind of trying to get his wife to be more like him. And he said, finally, we did a study of each other's personalities. And I came to understand, very thing we're talking about here. I came to understand that God gave her the kind of gifts and wired her with the kind of personality that is best cultivated in solitude. She's a reader, she's a studier, she's a one-on-one kind of person, she's behind the scenes kind of servant. And rather than trying to make her in my image, I needed to let God deal with her in the way he made her. He said, that was a light bulb for me. Well, that's exactly what Peter is talking about. Learning, understanding what makes your wife tick. What pleases her? What hurts her? What are her moods and emotions like? What does it like to take care of small children? What does it like to be a homemaker? What's it like to try to juggle that with a job? What's it like to think like a woman? Try to learn that, understand that. And one of the biggest things you can do, men, is to try to learn what her love language is. How does she feel loved? You see, it's very easy for us to think that the way we feel loved is the way our wives are going to feel loved. And that's the reason many couples miss each other. They're on different pages. Gary Chapman has written a wonderful book that many of you are familiar with, the five love languages. And in that book, he has described five different ways that people receive love and feel loved. And so there are at least these five different ways in which we should give love. Not everybody feels loved in the same way. And so you need to learn how does your wife feel loved? Is it number one words of affirmation? Is that her love language? Does she really feel loved by the way you speak to her and about her words of affirmation? Does that, is that what really helps her feel loved? Or is it secondly quality time? Some people really feel loved with togetherness, just with talking, with listening, being with each other, doing things together. And that's the love language that speaks loudest to some people. Or is it thirdly receiving gifts? If it's that guy's you're in trouble. But no, it doesn't have to be gifts you've bought. If your wife feels loved because of gifts she's received, it may be gifts that you found, it may be gifts that you made, it may be gifts of yourself and of your time. But to give sometimes is the way someone feels, some people feel loved. And your wife may be one of those. Is her love language acts of service? That's the fourth one. Gary Chapman talks about. Some people feel especially loved when you do something for them. Do something to serve them. Help with the house, clean her car, go run an errand for her. Something that she would have had to do otherwise. And you serve her. Some people feel loved especially in that way. And then fifthly, some people feel especially loved through physical touch. And it may be just a simple kiss or a holding of the hand or a slipping of the arm around the waist or an embrace. Something like that. How does your wife receive love? That's what you need to learn. Guys, we all need to study, investigate, learn. That's our word to understand what makes her feel loved. So that I can communicate my love in her love language, not mine. Not the way I feel loved, but in the way she feels loved. That's going to take some effort. It's going to take some time. Obviously. It's going to take time. If you're going to do that kind of study and investigation and learning and coming to understand, it's going to take some time. That's why Peter says in the same way, be considerate as you live with your wives or dwell with them. The Greek word means to remain with, to spend time with. She's more important than your hobby. She's more important than your friends. She's more important than your job. She's more important than your children. Take whatever time is necessary to come to understand the needs of your wife. That's the clear command. That's our responsibility in learning. But notice, Peter goes on to describe our respect in learning. This kind of understanding of our wives requires respect for them. That's a part of what this understanding is all about. Look at what Peter says in verse 7, again, husbands in the same way, be considerate or understanding learning as you live with your wives. And treat them with respect as the weaker partner in his ears with you of the gracious gift of life. Treat them with respect. The word respect is a word which literally means to value highly, to see as very precious, to esteem as of great value. That's the idea. Peter goes on to actually explain two ways that we should respect our wives, highly esteem them, treat them as valuable and precious to us. One is we need to respect our wives as a weaker partner. Now, I got your attention with that when I'm going to have to explain a little bit. What does it mean a weaker partner? Actually, the choice of the word partner is probably not the best word for the original word here. The King James has the word vessel. That word is maintained in the New American standard and also the ESV. I think it's probably the best word. The word vessel, treat her as treated with respect as a weaker vessel because that word vessel is often used in the New Testament of the body. For instance, first vessel onions 4.4. Paul says, let every man learn to hold his vessel or have his vessel in honor in the context of sexual purity, not immorality. He's talking about how you use your body. The word vessel often means in the New Testament body. And so really what he's talking about here is that a wife is the weaker vessel, weaker physically. That takes some explanation too because I know some female bodybuilders going to come up to me after the service and say, okay, bust or prove it. I don't want to prove it. I'm too old to prove anything like that. What are we talking about here? What does the scripture mean when he says she is a weaker partner that is not a qualitative statement. It is not a statement. In other words, it says a man is more important or more value or is better. It is not a qualitative statement ranking them. It is a comparative statement. In comparison, physically, overall, a woman has a weaker body. Interestingly enough, James Dobson, who wrote a book a number of years ago that every guy ought to read and every marriage ought to be familiar with what wives wish their husbands knew about women. It's the title of the book. He devotes a whole chapter to the physical physiological differences in men and women. It's a fascinating chapter. He says, for instance, that men or women do have a greater constitutional vitality than men. They typically outlive us by three to four years on average. However, just the raw data of physical comparisons, a woman typically has a smaller skeletal structure, smaller lungs, so smaller lung capacity, 20% fewer red blood cells in the blood, which may explain why she tires more easily. In brute strength, men are 50% above women, just in brute strength. Now, that is scientifically verifiable. That's not my opinion, but that's scientifically verifiable. That's probably, at least in part, what Peter is talking about when he says, a weaker vessel or body. But there's something else, too, because the word vessel is also used in the New Testament of pottery or vases or a jar. And she is the weaker in that sense, in the sense that she is more delicate and more vulnerable. Think of it this way. Two kinds of bulls. One's a copper bull, one's a porcelain bull. Both of them have great value. Both of them can accomplish great things in and of themselves. But the copper bull, if you drop it, if you kind of misplace it to throw it aside, it's no big deal. A porcelain bull you treat with more care, because it's more vulnerable, it's more delicate. And so you give special respect, care for that porcelain bull. That's your wife. And that's what he's talking about here with the use of that word. She is a vessel physically. She may be somewhat weaker just by makeup, by structure, the way God puts us together. But also she is more delicate, more vulnerable in the sense that she's that porcelain vase, not the copper vase or bull. So, treat her with more respect is what Peter is saying. See her as the weaker vessel. But he also says, treat her with respect in a second way. You see it there in verse seven, middle of verse. And he says, as he is with you of the gracious gift of life. He's a sector not only as a weaker partner, but also as a spiritual equal. As heirs together of the gracious gift of life. And the gracious gift of life is God's gift of life. It's salvation. And all that follows that. And the opportunity and privilege to have a relationship with God to grow in him and to serve him spiritually equals. Now, as far as the ministry of the church is concerned, I believe the Bible makes it clear. There are some restrictions on women and authority in the church. The Bible is clear on that. Not everybody agrees with that, but you'll get straightened out when you get to heaven. The Bible is pretty clear on that. Two very clear passages. And that's not the purpose of the message this morning. Here is the purpose spiritually as far as capacity to have a relationship with God to love him, growing him and serve him spiritually equals. And then treat your wife with respect, learn from her, realize that in some ways her walk with God may be deeper than yours. You can learn from her. Realize that in some ways her prayer life may be stronger than yours. Realize it in some ways. She may know the scriptures better than you do. That's true of my wife in many of those areas. And I seek to learn from her in her walk with God. Because she has an amazing prayer life and walk with God and she would be totally embarrassed if she knew I said that. Thankfully, she's in the first service. This is the one that goes on tape, though, right? Okay, I'm dead. Learn from each other. Respect her as a spiritual equal. That's what Peter is saying. Let me give you some practical ways, guys, that we can respect our wives, I include myself. Share your work with her. You say, John, she's not concerned. She doesn't care about my work. And I don't really want to talk about it after I get home. And that may be part of your problem. Dr. Les Carter in his book, The Protagon Spouse, goes to great lengths to demonstrate and document that in the high percentage of couples who've been through adultery. Often happens in a high percentage of those cases. The spouses have begun to grow apart from each other as regards their daily life and work. And so if it's the husband or if it's the wife, it can work either way. The one begins to feel like someone else really understands me better. And it's someone at work because you talk about work things. You understand what each other's days are like. And so men, if you are not taking the initiative to include your wife in your daily life and what goes on in your work and your life, what it's like, you are potentially setting yourself up for that drifting apart and finding someone else that shares that part of your life. That shares that part of your life with you. That happens in awful lot. So share your work and your life with her. That's one way to respect her. A second way to respect her is to support her talents, her interests, cultivate, let her culture encourage her to cultivate her abilities. And we have some interests in life that don't interest you at all. You may think it's crazy. You may not want to be a part. Encourage her to cultivate her interests in life. That's why God has wired her maybe different than you. Give her opportunity to express those encourage her in those. Allow her to have the freedom to develop that part of her life, her interests. Value her insight. That's another way you can show respect to her. Value her insight. Ask her what she thinks about things. So many of us guys just kind of talk down to our wives like we know it all and they don't. And so value her insight about things that you're dealing with. Treat her with courtesy. Guys, there's another area of respect that so many of us have forgotten. Treat her with courtesy. Do you remember what it was like the first year of marriage? Do you remember what it was like when you used to open the door for as you walked outside toward the car and then you'd go open the car door for. Make sure she was in and then you'd get in. Ten years later you're out in the car honking the horn. Where is that woman? Can't you ever get out here on time? And so you know you're throwing it in reverse and backing out when she still got the car door open, dragging one foot down the driveway. Something happens, doesn't it? Now don't misunderstand me. Opening a car door or whatever. That's not the only way to show respect and love. Some of you as a couple or just not wired that way. Don't get all hung up on that. Don't think that's the main point of the message. But find ways that you can demonstrate courtesy and kindness and respect to your wife. Lots of ways to do that. But I think the greatest way may be cultivate the art of listening. You will show respect to your wife in a way that just is tremendous if you understand how to listen to her. I've already said several things in this series about the difference between men and women. I want to camp on that just a little bit here as well. Because one of the greatest difficulties we have here, both as men and women, is the failure to understand how different our communication patterns are. Men and women communicate differently. Men typically, and I realize there are some exceptions, but men typically communicate to exchange information, to give solutions, to fix problems. Women typically communicate to share feelings and to gain understanding. There's a huge difference in those two things. Huge difference in the way you communicate. It's no secret that men typically score higher in testing on analytical aptitude. Women score higher on verbal aptitude. It's just the part of the way God's awareness. Typically. So here's the way it works. Joe comes to Harry at work. And Joe says to Harry, Harry, I got a problem at work. I need to talk to somebody about. Harry knows that Joe is not asking for a deep level of understanding. He's not asking for Harry to share his feelings with him and to understand and commiserate and sympathize with him. He's wanting a solution. And so Joe lays it out. And Harry says, Joe, if you ever thought about this, I tried this and it worked. And Joe says, hey, Harry, that's a great idea. Thanks. Thank you, bro. Good. Appreciate it, man. And he's off. Great conversation. So Harry comes home. Harry comes home. And Harry meets his wife at the door. And his wife says, honey, I had this problem today with. Whatever, the dishwasher, the kid, whatever. I had this. I just need to talk to somebody about it. And Harry thinks, man, I got this down. I know what to do. It worked with Joe. I've had practice already today. I know this is going to be great. We're going to have good communication. And so she lays out the problem. And you're listening. You're nodding your head. And then you say, honey, I think there are probably three things you could do. And you give her three solutions. And you know what she says to you. Well, you stopped trying to fix me and just listen to me. And you're thinking, what happened? I was just trying to be helpful. What did I do? If you don't want my help, don't ask for it again. And that's how the evening starts. You know what's happened there? A clear failure to understand the way men and women communicate. If you're talking with Joe, go ahead and giving three solutions. You'll appreciate that. Your wife probably won't. She thinks you're trying to fix her. That's not what she wants. I'll never forget when I was in Bible college. Good friend of ours, the name of Ruth, we were playing softball, an intermural softball, and she backed car into a tree on her way out. Well, the academic dean, Dean Reiner, came up to her and said, okay, I think there are three things we could do here. And he started into that. She blew her lid at him. The academic dean of the college. Why? That is not what a woman wants to hear or needs to hear in that kind of a situation. Men, one of the greatest ways you can show respect for your wife is to learn how to listen. Now, you may because of the way I'm wired and the way you're wired, you may want to say, honey, let me get this clear. Are you looking for an answer or a solution? Because if so, I got a good one. But if not, that's fine. You know, take it easy at first. Respect your wife. Learn how to listen. By the way, there's a great example of this in scripture. Don't put the verse up quite yet. Wait till I set it up a little bit. You remember the story of Hannah? Hannah was one of two wives of a man by the name of Elkanaugh. And Elkanaugh loved Hannah. She wasn't able to have children, however. And as is often the case in the Old Testament where there was polygamy, there were huge problems. So the other wife is able to have children. Hannah is not. And every year when they would go up to the tabernacle to worship, she would cry out to God to give her son. And if God would grant that request, then she would give that son back to him to serve him all of his days. Well, Elkanaugh just hated to see her in such anguish. And so look at what he says to her in 1 Samuel 1 verse 8. Her husband Elkanaugh would say to her, Hannah, why are you weeping? Why don't you eat? Why are you downhearted? Don't I mean more to you than 10 sons? I think even God went to that one. He got it all figured out quantitatively and qualitatively. A husband is of more value than 10 sons. Obviously, the math works out, right? That's not what Hannah needed to hear. Now, the scriptures don't give her a response. I think Elkanaugh shows every evidence of being a kind and loving husband to her and things work out well for them and God's providence. But this is just so like us guys. You got it figured out? Come on, eat. Come on. Quick crying. You know, you got me. Yeah. Learn to listen, guys. And that will communicate respect in tremendous ways to your wife. Okay, enough on understanding. Well, no, we got one more thing. I reward. We got to get this reward in understanding the end of the verse. Verse 7 says, if you do this, if you treat your wife with respect, or if you don't, he says so that nothing will hinder your prayers. Wow, that's incredible. Is Peter actually saying that if you don't show honor and respect to your wife, that your prayer life will be hindered? It's exactly what he's saying. And the word hindered literally means to cut a trench across a road to stop traffic. You get the idea? The prayer doesn't make it past the ceiling. The line is cut. Did you know men and women if there is tension between you and your wife that has not been resolved because you are not respecting her and honoring her, God's not listening to your prayers. I take that one home and sleep on it a while. That's pretty serious, pretty serious stuff. Our reward in honoring our wives and respecting them is a closeness with God in prayer. Wow. That's love and understanding. We are to love our wives like Christ, love the church. Peter says, part of what that looks like is that ongoing process of learning, inquiring, investigating, understanding our wives in a way that demonstrates respect and honor to them. That's what loving our wives looks like. But it also looks like peacemaking, peacemaking. The Bible talks about love and peacemaking as well. And guys, we need to understand three things in regard to peacemaking and marriage. First of all, we need to understand the presence of conflict. Peasemaking does not mean that you'll never have an argument, you'll never have a fight, they'll never be conflict. The presence of conflict is a given in all human relationships. And in the home, you've got two centers living under the same roof. They're going to be some sparks. They're going to be some conflict. The very fact that Paul addresses this idea of the need for unity and peace. So many times in the epistles indicates that it's a real problem. It is a common part of living in community with others. Just look at these verses, for instance, Romans 12, 18. Paul says, if it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Romans 14, 19. Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification or building up of the other person. Ephesians 4, 2. Be completely humble and gentle. Be patient, bearing with one another in love. Ephesians 4, 32 says this. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other just as in Christ God forgave you. And I could go on and on. There are other verses like that in Philippians and Colossians and First Thessalonians. So lots of verses where Paul talks about peacemaking, living at peace with one another. He's talking about in the church where there are conflicts in our relationships with others. If that is true in the church, how much more is it true in the closeness of a family relationship when two people are so close to each other and living together and doing life together? Yes, conflict is inevitable. It's present. I want you to actually turn to this passage because it's an amazing passage. Isaiah, Isaiah 54. Isaiah 54, where God is talking with Israel about the conflict that he and Israel are having. He's talking to them through the prophet Isaiah and he uses a remarkable analogy to describe the conflict, the analogy of a husband and a wife to describe the conflict between Israel and God. There are several really interesting things about this passage. Isaiah 54, look at verse 5. He says, for your maker is your husband. The Lord Almighty is his name. The Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer. He is called the God of all the earth. The Lord will call you back. In other words, after he has judged them in captivity, he will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit. A wife who married young only to be rejected says your God. Isn't that amazing analogy? God likens the problem, the conflict between him and Israel, to the conflict between a husband and a wife. Now, the one difference is this, all the fault in this conflict lies with Israel. God is not a fault. That's not true in any human relationship. Rarely, if ever, is all the fault 100% of one person. But obviously, God's perfect. And in this relationship, all the fault is on Israel. But notice how he describes Israel. Even though God is right and just in judging her, he calls her a wife deserted and distressed in spirit. She was like a wife who married young only to be rejected. Do you, you feel those feelings of rejection of loneliness, of distress because of this conflict? But then God says, I'm going to bring you back. I'm going to resolve this conflict and notice God gives us, in a sense, a key to the recovery in conflict. Look at verse seven. He says, for a brief moment, I abandoned you, but with deep compassion, I will bring you back. In a surge of anger, I hid my face from you for a moment. But with everlasting kindness, I will have compassion on you says the Lord your Redeemer. Notice the word compassion used twice. Kindness used once. That is how God says recovery takes place. Resolution of conflict takes place. It takes place with the husband initiating peacemaking. God's the model here. God initiates peacemaking with his bride, his wife, Israel. He does it with kindness and compassion. He will bring them back. Again, I think if the parallel between Christ and the church is the same as the parallel between God and Israel and dynamically, relationally, they are very much the same. What the Bible is teaching is that in resolving conflict men, we need to take the initiative. But notice there is something there about the path to peacemaking. Here is the way it has to happen. The path to peacemaking for a husband. I will spend a whole message on conflict resolution where we will talk about five or six principles of conflict resolution. But I just want to give you two key principles this morning. Number one is this. Recognize the power of a gentle loving response. Guys, we have to recognize the power in peacemaking of a gentle loving response. Isn't that what God does with his wife Israel? With deep compassion, I will bring you back with everlasting kindness. I will have compassion on you. Notice the kindness, the gentleness, the love that comes out here. That is the way God moves his wife back. That is the way we as husbands are to do it too. All the verses that we saw from Paul's epistles about patience, kindness, gentleness, all of those characteristics that lead toward peace. But look at this verse also. Here is another one that confirms that. Proverbs 15-1. A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. In conflict resolution, if you speak harshly, you are just stirring the pot of anger. And you will just keep the conflict going. A gentle answer is what turns the tide. That's what begins to lead toward peacemaking and resolution. And men, that is not weakness. It is strength to be able to speak with gentleness, kindness, and compassion. That's what God said he was going to do. Is God weak? No. Is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of strength to be able to recognize the power of a gentle, loving response. You know what that will do for your wife? God has wired her to respond to that kind of compassion and love. Okay, remember again the relationship between Christ and the church. Do you remember what John says in 1 John 4-19? We love him because he first loved us. It is God taking the initiative in love that brings a response of love from us. And again, carry out the parallel between Christ and the church. Husband and wife. It is the husband's initiative of loving, compassionate, gentle words that will bring a response of love on the part of a wife. Guys, you say you don't know my wife and I may not probably don't. I am talking about a response of a good-willed woman who has not been hardened through repeated hurts against her or repeated sin of her own. I know there are men who have tried to be gentle and compassionate and kind and they have got it shoved back at them down their throat. And I will guarantee you one of two things have happened in that situation. Either that woman has been severely hurt in the past, maybe not by her husband, maybe by someone else. And she is still living out of that hurt. Or there is so much sin in her own life she has hardened her heart. But if those two things are not true, God has made your wife with the ability and the desire to respond to your love. We love him because he first loved us. That is the way it is supposed to work. Even in marriage, so the path to peacemaking, recognize the power of a gentle loving response. Secondly, guys, rather than blaming her, take responsibility for your part in the problem. You say, okay, I figured out here this, I am always wrong, she is always right. Now that is not at all what I am saying. Not at all. Remember that in any human conflict, there is never 100% fault on the part of anyone person. That would be extremely rare if it ever did happen. One of the key principles even biblically, and I will show you where it is in the Bible in just a moment, one of the key principles biblically in conflict resolution is that the way to begin moving toward resolution, rather than continuing to butt heads, the way to move toward resolution is to say, okay, I have got to own up to my part of the conflict, my responsibility in the conflict, and honestly it may only be 10%, okay, but you have got to own up to that 10%. Whatever your part, whatever your fault is, rather than blaming her, guys, take responsibility for your part. Now, Jesus taught that in Matthew chapter 7 verses 3 through 5. Look at him on the screen. Why do you look at the speck of Saul dust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, let me take the speck out of your eye when all the time there is a plank in your own eye. Now here is where you start moving toward resolution. You hypocrite first, take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. You see what Jesus said? Conflict resolution where you are going to add each other. You did this, you said this, that's the piece of Saul dust in your brother's eye or in this case your wife's eye. Jesus said first, first step toward resolution of conflict is to take the plank out of your own eye. In other words, deal with whatever contribution you made to the conflict. Somehow that begins to disarm and begins to lead toward resolution because you are no longer firing at each other. You are taking responsibility for what I have done. You are not responsible for your wife taking responsibility for what she has done. God will hold you responsible for taking responsibility for what you have done. That is all you can do. That is why Paul says as much as possible with you live at peace with all men. Key principle in conflict resolution in marriage and in any human relationship is rather than blaming the other person, start with taking responsibility for your own part in the problem. If I do that, she will never admit any responsibility. Then go see Pastor Simmons. You probably do need some counseling. You probably need someone to help you work through that. But I will say this, typically when one person humbles himself enough to say, I was wrong, I want to take responsibility for that. Somehow that softens the heart of the other person and is the best hope you have of leading toward reconciliation. Okay, quickly our time is almost gone. We have got to get to this last point though. The power of two words in peacemaking. In peacemaking there are two words that are tremendous in their power and those two words are, guys are you listening? I am sorry. Now the reason for that is that it expresses both principles I just talked about. It is a loving, gentle response plus it takes responsibility for my 10% or my 90% or whatever it may be my part in the conflict when I say I am sorry. Now here is the problem. There are two reasons why it is difficult for guys to say I am sorry. They are very similar to the reasons why we do not want to ask for directions. Two reasons. Number one, typically men resolve conflict without a lot of discussion and sharing feelings and apologies. Now there are exceptions obviously but as a rule men just take it for granted that will drop the matter. That is how we deal with conflict resolution with other men. We just take for granted it is going to be dropped. Okay, we got it out. Okay it is done. It is over. Let us move on. Remember we have a tendency to compartmentalize. That is the way we are wired. So you try that with your wife. You have had a bit of a spat and a bit of conflict and you have thrashed it out and before you know what you are saying okay let us just drop it. It is over. I am done. It is done. Why do you keep talking about this? You are ready to move on. Remember what we talked about last week about your wife's integrated circuit? You know the 3000 lights? If one of them goes out all of them go out? God has made your wife with that integrated personality so that when one part of her is affected all of her is affected. She does not tend to compartmentalize like we do. Why do we stick in this little compartment? Go on with the rest of my life. What is the big deal? That is the way we men think. Here is my point men. Her integrated personality where everything is connected causes her to long for real resolution. When you say it is over, let us stop talking about it. I am done. She sees you as stone-walling. She sees you as just stuffing the anger down and not dealing with it so there really isn't resolution. By the way men, she may be right. The Bible does talk about the need for clear resolution. One of the ways you will show your love for your wife and your respect and understanding of her and your willingness to be a peacemaker is if you will understand what she needs for resolution. You will do that. It is one reason why it is so hard for men to say I am sorry. We typically don't resolve conflict that way. Here is the second reason why it is hard for men to say I am sorry. Men fear losing respect if we say I am sorry. God has built us men and ladies, if you are drifting off to sleep, I have a tendency to do that to people. If you are drifting off to sleep, please wake up right now. You need to understand this about your husband. God has built us men with a deep sense of honor and a need and a desire for respect. That is why Paul says your key responsibility is wife is to see to it that you respect your husband. We are going to spend three messages on that. We will get to this more later. But why is in this regard? If you are expecting your husband to listen to you and to engage in conflict resolution and to take it as far as you need for resolution and to say I am sorry, then you need to understand this, ladies. You need to understand that a man fears losing respect when he says I am sorry. So here is how you should respond. Don't make him grubble. Don't make him crawl to you with 30 apologies. Don't make him go into deeper and deeper admissions of wrong. Don't communicate to him. Okay, so you were wrong. I was right. Come on. Let me admit it. Don't do that. Ladies, I am telling you, if you do that, you are driving away because you are showing disrespect for him. Now, on the part of a wife, here is what love does. When your husband makes any movement toward you to say I was wrong, I am sorry. No matter how feeble it is, give him a soft landing. Make it easy for him to do that. Don't push it down his throat or I guarantee you you will drive him away because you are showing disrespect. There is nothing that will cause a man to draw in and hold everything inside any quicker than that. So ladies, please understand that. The power of those two words, I am sorry, but ladies, they must be received in the right way too. Give him a soft landing. Men remember that our goal is to love our wives and our goal is to love our wives as Christ loved the church. Remember what that means. It means I have to step out of my comfort zone, do what is not natural to me, to sacrifice to do what is best for her. And if some of this sounds like, how do I do that? You love as Christ loved the church. Give the time and effort necessary to understand her, to learn her so that you respect her, honor her, and be the peacemaker. Take the initiative to do it and do it in the right way just like God did with Israel. And you will be loving your wife like Christ loved the church. That is pray together. Other help us as husbands to demonstrate love in the ways your word teaches. Lord, you are the best determiner of human conduct and of human relationships. You are the best analyzer, Lord, of what it means for people to deal with human relationships and especially marriage. And so we pray that as men we will take these biblical principles and apply them to our individual situations and do our best to love our wives as Christ loved the church. As you love us, may we seek to be understanders and peacemakers. We ask Him Jesus' name, amen.