The Fight Is Off

After 60 years of marriage, a wife became terminally ill. She had always shared everything with her husband, keeping nothing from him, except the contents of a box that she had stored up at the top of her closet. So one day her husband brought that box to her bed and said, I think it's time we talk about this. What is this? And she agreed that it was time for him to know what was in the box. And so he opened it up and inside the box were two crocheted doilies and a stack of cash totaling about $25,000. Well, he was absolutely perplexed when he saw that. What is the meaning of this? She said, well, I'll explain to you. When we were engaged to be married, she said, my grandmother told me that the best thing to do in marriage, the secret of a happy marriage, is to never argue. And so she told me, whenever you're angry at your husband and you're about ready to argue, just keep quiet and crochet a doily. He was ecstatic when he heard that because he looks in the box as only two doilies. He's 60 years of marriage, only two doilies there. And he says, so excited. And he said, well, that explains the doilies. What about all the money? She said, well, that's the money I got from selling the doilies. Marital conflict has become the great American joke. Couples brag and joke about their arguments. Marital conflict has been the topic of cartoon strips and newspapers ever since blondie and dagwood. The topic of TV sitcoms ever since I love Lucy. People enjoy watching that and love seeing that because they get to see other people vent all the feelings they would like to vent and say all the things they would like to say. And then it's all dressed up tidally in 30 minutes at the end of the show and everybody lives happily after. The problem in real life is there is no editor to tidy up things and make sure it works out beautifully in a half hour. Marital conflict leads huge scars in homes, scars that are sometimes very difficult to heal from. We're turning a corner in our series of messages on marriage over the last few weeks. We've been talking at the husband wife relationship and the role and responsibility of a husband and a wife as the scriptures teach it. Beginning today and for the next several weeks I want to deal with what I'm going to call seven keys to Marital harmony. And those seven keys to Marital harmony are as follows. Handling conflict. Leaving your parents. Communication. Unselfishness. Love. Honesty. And finances or wise financial management. We're going to talk about what the scriptures say about those seven issues in the home that oftentimes rip apart at the seams of marriages. So today let's begin with conflict. God never intended human relationships to be marked by unresolved conflict. We will have conflict but it needs to be resolved and especially in a marriage where two people become one and where a marriage relationship is supposed to reflect the relationship between Christ and his church. Especially in that relationship unresolved conflict is just not to be tolerated. So there will be conflict. That's a given. When any relationships there will be conflict. But the Bible does give us clear principles on how to resolve conflict. I can remember many times in the past when we would be talking about wedding music. Somebody in the family usually an older person a grandparent or somebody would speak up and say I think they ought to have this song in their wedding. The fight is on. You remember that old gospel song? Well this morning we're going to talk about how to turn the fight is on to the fight is off. How do you resolve conflict? Sometimes the fight is on conflict will be there but how do you resolve it? How do you turn the fight is on to the fight is off? I want to share with you this morning three general biblical principles and then we'll have some subsets, some subprincipals under those. But three general principles from the word of God about how to resolve conflict. The first one is to realize that you are different. I know what some of you are thinking. Yeah, yeah, John my husband is really different. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about differences in personality traits. I'm talking about differences in emotional makeup. I'm talking about differences in strengths and weaknesses. It's very different. Would you locate if you have not already 1 Corinthians chapter 12 where we find a general principle about relationships and roles in the church which I will apply in a few moments to marriage. But let's see what Paul says about how God made us differently as relates to the body of Christ. 1 Corinthians 12 verse four. Paul says there are different kinds of gifts, but the same spirit distributes them. Now the gifts that he's talking about, spiritual gifts, are different abilities that God has given to his children to serve him. And Paul says there are lots of different gifts. And there are different ways that God has given us abilities to serve him. Not everybody has the same gift. Not everybody has the same ability to serve God in the same way. But it's the same Holy Spirit that gives them all. That's the unity. He goes on to say in verse 5, there are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. Not only are there different kinds of gifts, but there are different kinds of service, different ways that you may exhibit your spiritual gift. You have three or four people may have the same spiritual gift and do it in different ways of service. Someone who has the gift of teaching may do that through a preaching ministry. Some who have the gift of teaching may do it through a Bible fellowship, a class, a small group, or through music. I've mentioned to you before one of my favorite artists, Michael Card, is a Bible teacher through music. He's got an earned doctorate in theology. He's a Bible teacher, but he teaches through his music. So you may have different ways of teaching. That's what he's talking about here, different kinds of service. And then notice in verse 6, he says, there are different kinds of working, but in all of them, and in everyone, it is the same God at work. The different kinds of working really has to do with the different effects or results of your spiritual gift applied in whatever means of service you do. People are going to have different results, different effects. There will be some people that will see great outward results. There will be others that may see minimal results or results that are more behind the scenes. One person may have the gift of evangelism, communicate that through preaching the large audiences and see many people come to Christ in that way. Someone else may have the gift of evangelism and do it more one-on-one and what the thing and see a steady stream or trickle of people coming to know the Lord. But more behind the scenes. Both exhibiting the same gift in different means of serving and with different effects or different workings of the Spirit. All of that to say, verse 7, now to each one, the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good. In each of those settings, no matter what the gift is or the way it's expressed in service or the effect that it has, God is working for the good of his body in all of those ways. The point is that in the church, God made us to be different, to do things differently, to do things in different ways with different effects. And that's good. That's an evidence of the variety that God has built into the body. Now let me take that principle. If it's true in the body of Christ, it is certainly true in marriage. God has made us different. We are different and that's not a bad thing. God intends that to be a complementary thing in marriage. That we are to complement each other and help each other's weaknesses and learn from each other's strengths. Now what does it look like in marriage? There are a number of ways to describe how we are different when it relates to human relationships, particularly in marriage. A lot of people use the word temperament. And by that, they're talking about the combination of inborn traits that affect your behavior, that really kind of make who you are and the way you relate to others and just the way you live life. All of us have a particular combination of personality traits called our temperament. Well, there are several ways to describe the differences in temperament. I'm going to use this this morning that I've picked up from several other folks who like to use this particular description. Four different temperament changes or differences between people. First of all, there is the extrovert and the introvert. That's one way to describe a temperament difference, the extrovert and the introvert. That has to do with how you relate to people and how that affects your energy level, how you relate to people and how to affect your energy level. The extrovert prefers to be with people. They get energy from social contact, from being around people. That charges them up. They don't like isolation. They don't like to work alone. They don't like to do things alone. They love being with other people. The introvert, while we have contrast, prefers to be alone or maybe with his or her family. If there were too many people for too long, it drains their energy out of them. That's an introvert. Now, you can imagine an extrovert married to an introvert trying to plan where they're going to go on vacation. The extrovert is saying, I want to go where there's a lot of people, a lot of stuff happening. It's a lot of fun. We can just have a great time. The introvert is thinking not what I was thinking at all. I was thinking of a solitary beach with a beach chair and a good book and nobody for a mile. That's my idea of a vacation. That's the difference between an extrovert and an introvert. Different personality types. Second difference is the intuitive and the sensing. Now, that has to do with how you take in information and how you solve problems. Some people are intuitive and how they take in information and solve problems. Some people are more sensing. The intuitive person, if you're intuitive, you're very imaginative. Ideas pop full blown into your mind. You have great vision of what can be done or what should be done. And you want to dive right into it and just do it. You see the big picture. You don't want to get bogged down with the details. Those things bore you. You see the big picture. You solve problems by hunches and gut feelings. This is what we ought to do. Let's go. Let's do it. That is an intuitive kind of way of looking at life. But not everybody's that way. There are some people who are more sensing in their style of how they take in information and how they solve problems. These people do it in a more rational way. Not very imaginative, not very creative. They want the facts and the details. They love figures, charts, graphs, balance sheets. I mean, they love that kind of thing and they want to see all of that and make sure it all lines up before they make any decisions. That's how some people process information and deal with decision making. They love clearly established procedures and steps in solving a problem. They would never think of solving a problem just by, but that's what we ought to do. Let's go. They would never do that. They've got to have all the information. All their ducks in a row first. That's the sensing kind of person. You can imagine a couple. On opposite ends of that spectrum. One of them has great ideas about what to do with the house and the other one's always pulling out the calculator and saying, oh, oh, wait a second, we can't do that. We got this much coming in a month. We got these mini bills. We can't do that. And the other person said, come on, let's do it. Let's just do it. Conflict. Conflict. The third personality difference can be described with these words. The thinkers and the feelers. That has to do with how you make decisions. How you make decisions. If you are a thinker, you make decisions with clear logic. Everything is practical to you. You make cool, calculated decisions. Everything's black and white for you. You're concerned about productivity, achieving goals, the bottom line. And so you will make the best decision in that regard. Doesn't matter who it affects or how it affects them. Live with it. Get over it. This is the right thing to do. That's the thinker kind of decision maker. But not everybody's that way. And maybe your mate is not that way. Maybe your mate is more the feeler. The feeler is someone who has really tuned in to the emotions of other people. They are typically very sensitive. They agonize over conflict. They absolutely hate conflict. They long for peace and harmony. And conflict drives them crazy. They can't stand the thought of hurting someone else's feelings. They're a feeler. And they feel what other people are feeling. And they don't want to hurt other people. And so they'll take all of those things into consideration when they're trying to make a decision. And their mate has already decided who cares what everybody thinks about this. That's the right thing to do. It's do it. And they're on. Conflict. Conflict. Conflict. The fourth way of describing personality differences is with these words, there are the structured and the unstructured. This has to do with your basic life orientation. How you basically view life and live life. Either structured or unstructured. I was so tempted to use these words, the godly and the messy. But I thought better of that. Probably not the best choice of words. The structured. If you are a structured person, you love predictable routine. You love organization. You thrive under a deadline because that gives you, you've already got the steps in your mind that you need to accomplish to meet that deadline. And that gives you a sense of security. You love that. You act that way. You operate that way. You love definite policies. You'll make a plan and you'll stick with it even if it's not working. And you'll frustrate everybody around you sometimes with that. But you are frustrated by interruptions. You're frustrated by surprises, by changes. It's got to be predictable routine for you. That's you. You're structured. Your mate may not be like that. Your mate may be very unstructured. If you're unstructured, you prefer spontaneity. You don't like planning. You don't like getting everything down on paper first. You don't like routines. You want to just take the day as it comes and see what happens. And we'll deal with it as it comes and move on. You're a spontaneous kind of person. Let the day unfold. It's an adventure. Well, the structured person does not like adventure. There's too much uncertainty there. You can imagine the couple planning to go on vacation. One of whom is structured. One of whom is unstructured. She wants to just hit the nearest road and see where it takes them. Well, where are we going to spend the night? Oh, we'll find a motel somewhere down the road. Sure. We'll just have a great time. We'll stop wherever we want to. Whatever we want to stay. How long we want to. And he has got the AAA trip tick. He has got every minute planned, every expense calculated, every restroom stop scheduled already. Oh, yes, he's taken into account the gender, the age, the bladder size, everything. He's got it all figured out. He knows exactly when you'll have to stop along the way. Very structured. Now, I've used those contrasts which are admittedly extreme. Just to illustrate the biblical concept that we are different. If God intended us to be different in the way we serve Him, then certainly it stands the reason we are different in our personalities and the way we relate to one another in our marriages as well. In fact, I believe that spiritual giftedness is hand in glove with the way God has made your personality and the way He has built you to operate. I don't think God wants us to be schizophrenic in those two things. He wants that to fit perfectly with how He's built us internally. And so usually our gifts will fit with our personality. You can see why you drive each other crazy sometimes, right? Because you're different. You're different. So realize that you're different. It can go a long way towards solving conflict. Secondly, realize that you both have faults. Realize that you both have faults. And for this one, let's turn to Romans chapter three where Paul gives us the theological reason for this. Everybody is a sinner. Everybody is a sinner. Paul makes that case very clearly in Romans three. Romans three, verse nine, what shall we conclude then? Do we, he's speaking of religious Jews there, do we have any advantage? Not at all. For we have already made the charge that Jews and Gentiles alike are all under the power of sin. As it is written, there is no one righteous, not even one. There is no one who understands. There are, there is no one who seeks God. All have turned away. They have together become worthless. There is no one who does good, not even one. Kind of hard to miss the point, isn't it? The point is that there are no exceptions in the human race. Everybody is a sinner. So in marriage, the biggest problem in marriage is that you got two sinners living in close proximity with each other. That is the biggest problem. It's not your finances. It's not your communication skills. Those are important things. But the biggest problem in your marriage is you got two centers living under the same roof. And you both have character weaknesses, faults that are fed by your sin nature. Because you are a sinner, not only do you sin, violate God's standards, but you also have things that easily entangle you, things that easily trip you up, faults, weaknesses, character weaknesses, whatever you want to call them, that are all the result of your sin nature. You would not have those defects or faults where it's not for your sin nature. So realize that you have them. And here's the key. Realize that you will struggle with some things that your mate will not struggle with. Your mate will struggle with some things that you will not struggle with. You'll both have different areas of weakness or faults or sin, the outworking of sin in your life. So be careful about being critical of your mate when you've got some issues to deal with yourself. Okay? And by the way, here's something else. Those character weaknesses, those cracks in the character, don't often appear till after you're married. Dating is not the best way to find those out. Dating is a masquerade. It is a ball, it is a party. It is everybody dressing up and looking their best and acting their best for a brief period of time. You can pull that off. But you can't live that way all the time. And so when you get married and you're living together, 24-7, the character weaknesses will show up. The sinful tendencies will appear. You know, it's kind of like, oh boy, I'm getting on a limb here. It's kind of like how your wife looks before and after marriage, you know? You know, when she's your girlfriend, you go out on a date, she's always dressed up, all the makeup, hair's perfect, everything. You just gray, everything's wonderful. And that first week you're married, you kind of wake up beside her in the morning and you wonder, is there an alien over here? Who is this? No, that was not true of my wife. I just want you to know that. Realize you both have faults and they may not show up clearly till after you're married. Now, here's what I really wanted to get to. Realize you can resolve conflict. Okay, if you're both, if you're different and if you both have faults, you're going to have conflict. Your personality differences and your sinful tendencies will assure that you will have conflict. So the key is, how do you turn the fight is on to the fight is off? How do you resolve the conflict? I want to give you six biblical principles. And I know we have a baptism service. We want to get to that with child being baptized all the children are going to come up in a moment. So let's proceed through these as carefully and as quickly as we can. Number one, examine yourself and your part in the conflict. I believe this is the first and maybe the most important key to resolving conflict. And the scriptural principle is found in Matthew chapter 7. Would you look at that with me please, Matthew 7. In the sermon on the mount, Jesus gives us a principle for dealing with personal conflict. And this is true of any relationship, including marriage, the true of any relationship, he talks in the first two verses about not judging because the same judgment you judge with and this is a very critical self-centered kind of judging one another. He says you'll be judged that same way. And then he says in verse three, why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? Now Jesus is using hyperbole here extreme examples for effect. You're trying to get the speck out of your brother's eye and you got a plank, a beam in your own eye? Verse four, how can you say to your brother, let me take the speck out of your eye when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite. First take the plank out of your own eye and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. You see the principle, don't you? Find out what part you have in the problem first before you start dealing with correcting your mate. Get the plank out of your own eye first before you start solving the problems of your mate. Because here you are trying to get that little speck of sawdust out of your mate's eye and you got a plank, a two before in your own eye. So he says quite clearly, deal with your issue first. In marital conflict, this is the way that looks. I'm to ask myself, what am I doing wrong? What have I done to contribute to this? I've done enough counseling in 40 years in ministry to know that there is rarely if ever one person, 100% at fault in a difficulty between two people. Even if you're only contribution to the conflict is that you didn't take the time to try to see things from your mate's perspective and understand them better, you still got something to work on. But it's probably more than that. And so the first question to ask yourself is, what have I done to contribute to this misunderstanding? Not what you've done. You said you, I don't know, what did I do? What did I do? Take the plank out of my own eye first. Second principle. Communicate, communicate, talk. Now I just did that to mess with those of you who'd already filled that in. Communicate, communicate, communicate. They all real estate slogan. Okay? Location. I'm going to spend a whole message on communication with a lot of biblical principles included. So I'm just going to skim through this right now. I just want to give you a couple of ideas on communication. Then we'll expand this in another message. Let me say this about communication. Share honestly, but calmly, your feelings. Honestly, but calmly. Don't blast away at your mate. Don't pull away from your mate. Either away is wrong. You're away. You're not together. Also in communication, try to relive the offense through their feelings. It kind of goes along with the principle we just talked about from Matthew 7. Try to relive the offense. What has happened as if you were in their shoes, listening to what you said, seeing what you did, ask yourself the question, what kind of person in my to be married to? What's it like to be married to me? What if I were the one hearing what I just said? How would that come across? You may not be able to be objective with that. So if you have a good close friend who will be honest with you, let them help evaluate that. And then let me say this about communication. Get to the root causes. In other words, deal with the problem. Attack the problem. Don't attack each other. Words like you just are so dumb. Or why did I marry you anyway? Or you're more like your father all the time. Or you never do anything right. You always say those are attacking the person. They are not resolving the problem. And so if you attack the person, you just escalate the conflict because we are all naturally defensive when we're attacked. So don't attack the person. Attack the problem. Okay, we'll talk more about communication later. Third principle. Forgive each other. Forgive each other. We've already seen in case you didn't realize this by experience, that neither of you are perfect. We're all sinners. So we're going to have to be willing to forgive each other. Would you turn with me please to Ephesians 4? I think that passage is indicated on your outline. So maybe you're already there. Ephesians 4. Where Paul talks about several issues in this whole arena of forgiveness. Ephesians 4 verse 25, he says, therefore each of you must put off falsehood. Speak truthfully to your neighbor. If we're all members of one body, again, he's dealing with the context of the church and how we are members of each other. We're all in one body. So we need to be willing to deal with each other in issues of conflict. Speak truthfully to your neighbor. Now notice verse 26, he says, In your anger do not sin. It's a given that you're going to become angry sometimes. That's a given. Anger is a normal human emotion. We're all going to get angry. But anger can lead to sin. And Paul goes on to mention three ways that anger can turn into sin. It can turn into sin number one if you don't deal with it quickly. See verse 26, do not reverse, yeah, verse 26, middle of verse, do not let the sun go down while you're still angry. In marriage, that means don't go to bed mad. Don't let the sun go down. And Paul basically saying, don't let time go by without dealing with the issue that's presenting conflict. Because if you let time go by, anger does nasty things if it's stuffed down inside you. It begins to develop into bitterness and resentment. And then you've got a real, real problem with the other person that's going to take longer to overcome. So don't let time go by. That's one reason why it's important to to deal with anger. A second way or a second way that we should respond in dealing with anger is in verse 29. Be careful what you say. Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs that it may benefit those who listen. Boy, if I could take back a lot of things that I have said, don't you feel that way? If I could only take back things I've said, it's much easier to not say it or much better, maybe not much easier, but much better, just not to have said it, right? Oh, there's so many things I wish I could take back that I've said. Paul's talking about using helpful language. Make sure you put a gate on your mouth, a check on your lips, to make sure that whatever you say is helpful and beneficial and not derogatory, tearing someone down, escalating the conflict. So how do you deal with the inevitable anger? You don't let time go by. You watch what you say. And then thirdly, you forgive. You forgive. Verse 32, be kind and compassionate to one another, one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you. Now, I know there are lots of issues involved in forgiveness. That would take a whole message or more to deal with. Let me just say this. As Paul says here, Christ, God is our model. Just as in Christ, through Christ, God forgave us. God makes forgiveness possible for everybody. Extends it to everybody. He was reconciling the world, second Corinthians 5 says, making it possible for everyone to be restored. He was offering forgiveness, but obviously the restoration of the relationship only comes when one accepts that forgiveness and responds in faith. And so there are two parts to forgiveness, and that's a whole message in itself. But he's our model. He's our model. Forgive like he forgave us. We're going to have to do that if we have conflict. Then we're going to have conflict. Principle number four, talk to the Lord about the conflict. I'm going to put this verse on the screen for sake of time. Proverbs 28, 13, talks about talking to the Lord about our own sin. Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy. Let me say something about conflict. If you will covenant that when you have conflict, you will pray together about it. It is hard to pray with someone that you're mad at. And so there is something about going to the Lord together to confess wrong, to talk about an issue of problem and ask his help that just brings your hearts together. So talk to the Lord about the conflict. Number five, begin to emphasize the strengths of your partner. Philippians 2.3 says it this way, do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain consent, rather in humility, value others above yourselves. In other words, don't look just at yourself. Don't be self-centered, but think of what others have to offer. In relationships, in marriage especially, the way that can be translated is stop focusing on the weaknesses of your mate. Start focusing on the strengths of your mate. We all have weaknesses. And if you choose to focus on the weaknesses of your mate, you will create conflict or you will keep conflict going. If you choose instead to focus on the strengths of your mate, then that will provide a much more harmonious relationship. And it will help resolve conflict. Number six, look to the spirit to overcome your faults. Galatians 5. The fruit of the spirit, this ninefold cluster of fruit, the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. When you think through that list, wow, if you have those things, conflict is greatly reduced and minimized or it can be resolved much more easily, if you have that kind of approach. And that kind of character comes as we yield to the spirit of God by being obedient to his word, yieldedness in our spirit toward him, and he will begin to produce that kind of fruit, that kind of character. You do not have to live in perpetual warfare in your home. Yes, you're different. Realize that. That'll help. Yes, you're both sinners. Realize you both have faults. That will help. But I would challenge you, encourage you, urge you plead with you to take these six principles of resolving conflict and begin to practice them purposefully. You know, nail them to the mirror, bathroom mirror, or the refrigerator, or wherever you spend the most time. So that you'll see them and you'll begin to practice them and think about them and begin to respond this way. God will help you. He will help you have a harmonious relationship rather than one that is constantly marked by conflict. Let's pray together. Father, we are grateful to you for the principles of your word, which touch every area of our lives. Thank you for what you teach us in your word about resolving conflict. I pray especially as it relates to marriages today, that you would help us all to do that. You would help us to be sensitive, proactive, about taking steps to resolve conflict appropriately. Lord, I pray for marriages here today, husbands and wives who may be here tottering on the brink of disaster. I pray, Father, that you would help them to restore their marriages. Help them to go home and talk and begin to sort through the conflict and begin to purposely apply these principles of your word so that marriages could be saved. The enemy would not continue to rip at the seams of our marriages. We ask this in Jesus' name. Amen.