Your Parents and Your Marriage

Genesis chapter 2 please in your Bibles if you would my my preferred style of preaching is called expository preaching that's when you preach straight through a book of the Bible or you preach straight through a passage of the Bible and let the text itself give you the outline and so forth and I think that's the best way to fulfill Paul's command to Timothy preach the word and so we typically do that here at Johnston Chapel but occasionally we do a topical series like we're in now with marriage and I think that fulfills another passage of scripture where Paul told his young preacher boy Timothy or Titus rather in Titus chapter 2 to teach things that accompany sound doctrine or in other words go alongside sound doctrine or help apply sound doctrine sometimes we need to take the principles of the Bible and help people learn how to flesh them out in real life in a more application kind of way in fact he told Titus in that very passage here's what I'm talking about I'm talking about teaching different age categories in your church how to develop godly character to meet the challenges of their particular phase of life or how to be good husbands how to be good wives how to how to manage your home things like that so Bible teaching Bible doctrine needs that application emphasis as well and that's what we've been doing in this series on a marriage made in heaven series on marriage we're right now in a part of that series that deals with seven keys to harmony in the home the first one that we dealt with last time was how to handle conflict and so we talked about conflict which will inevitably arise in every marriage in every relationship we talked about how to handle that this morning we're going to look at the first of the last six of those keys to harmony in the home all of which deal with how to avoid conflict in the home okay having talked about how to deal with it now we're going to talk about how to avoid it altogether and so this morning we're going to talk about leaving father and mother and what the Bible means by that your parents and your marriage one of the difficulties that couples sometimes face is relationship with their parents in laws and just the dynamics that can affect their marriage that way and so in dealing with conflict and avoiding conflict that's a very important topic I want to this morning take three passages of scripture three particular verses and we'll focus on them this morning the first of which is here in Genesis chapter two and verse 24 remember that this is in the context of God instituting marriage in the Garden of Eden he makes Adam Adam names the animals among the animals there's not found a counterpart to him one who is suitable for his needs and so God says it's not good for man to be alone I will make him a helper suitable for him and his needs so out of his side he took a rib and created Eve and brought her to Adam and Adam says this in verse 23 the man said this is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh she shall be called woman for she was taken out of man that passage emphasizes the unity of husband and wife the oneness of husband and wife we miss a little bit of it in our English language the Hebrew word for woman literally is the word man with a little ending on it that means out of so the word itself woman literally means out of man that's where she originated from and highlights and indicates emphasizes the unity of those two that's why Paul will say a husband ought to love his wife as his own body that's where she came from out of him and so it's the unity in oneness that's stressed now that's what Adam says this is God's summary in verse 24 of the relationship he has just established between Adam and Eve he says that is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife and they become one flesh that is such a foundational principle actually three principles foundational to marriage that it's repeated three times in the New Testament in Matthew nineteen Jesus quotes this passage in 1 Corinthians 6 Paul refers to this passage and in Ephesians 5 Paul quotes this passage it's foundational it's basic it's so important and really there are three different principles that are dealt with that lay the foundation for marriage here one is the commitment that husband and wife should have to each other that's found in the the phrase united to his wife the second is the oneness that husband and wife should experience they became one flesh but the third principle is the one we're going to deal with this morning and it's found in this phrase a man leaves his father and mother we're going to explore what that means and how it is to be applied what it looks like how that's to be lived out in real life God does not expand on that principle here he does not give us a list of instructions that will help us to understand what he means so I'm going to do what Paul told Titus to do teach things that accompany that lay alongside of that help apply biblical doctrine and biblical truth want to address this morning the whole area of your relationship with your parents after you get married now this message is wide ranging it will cover a lot of different areas of this relationship and it is both for married couples and their parents and their grandparents and even if you're single not married you probably fit in a category somewhere there or you have family members who do so nobody can go to sleep this morning okay it's for everybody four principles I want to apply this text in this way number one it means to be loyal to your spouse leaving father and mother means to be loyal to your spouse now let's look again at that expression a man leaves his father and mother leaving father and mother what it means what does that mean the word literally the word leave is literally the word to leave behind that's how strong it is in the original language leave behind father and mother now be careful with that it doesn't necessarily mean you have to go far away and leave them geographically in fact in Bible times most families lived in close proximity to each other often in the same house but at least in very close proximity to each other obviously society was not as mobile in that the in so people didn't just up and move 500 miles away but it doesn't necessarily mean that you must geographically separate yourself from your parents leaving behind means this it means that there is a definite change in relationship between you and your parents it means that you leave behind literally an old phase of your life and you enter a new phase of your life you've left behind an old phase that had a primary commitment of loyalty because you have now entered a new phase of your life in marriage that has established a new loyalty it really is about being loyal to your spouse that's what he's talking about the key question here is loyalty your mate and as God produces and gives you children from that union your mate and your children now take priority as far as loyalty over your relationship with your parents again doesn't mean you abandon your parents forget all about them move as far away as you can some cases that might be a good note but doesn't mean that it means literally that you you understand this new phase of life and you are committed as a primary loyalty to your spouse and to your children that's what it means there should be no feeling of jealousy created by the relationship with parents there should be no feeling of competition created by the relationship with your parents because your primary loyalty and it should be clear to everybody is now to your spouse to your children that is what leaving behind your parents literally means I'm often asked the question or faced with the situation what about living with your parents how what does that work and and I I basically tell couples this sometimes it's necessary but avoided if it all possible and sometimes it is necessary I can remember in our own experience our oldest daughter Amy when she got married she and Matthew had just a very small little mobile home and it was a very old one and they were in the process of getting some property and gonna put a house on it and they just knew that that mobile home would take weeks maybe months to sell they put it on the market that sold in two days they didn't didn't even have their land cleared yet didn't have a well dug nothing didn't have anything up yet and so we told them good luck to the best can oh no of course not we were living in the parsing at that time and I remember asking the deacons if it would be okay for them to live in the basement it was a finished basement with a separate entrance as well set up for that and so we had them live with us for several months until they could get settled on their own that sometimes that's necessary so I would not rule it out completely but you know this every young couple needs their own space to develop their own way of building their own family without feeling like their parents are always looking over their shoulder or worse yet directing every event of their lives and so living with parents it's okay if it need be but it's not the best scenario avoid it if possible the key principle here though be loyal to your spouse you have changed loyalty and that becomes your primary loyalty now over your loyalty to your parents the second thing this leaving father and mother means is that you need to address areas of possible conflict now this is the real practical application of this principle from Genesis 2 I'm not going to give you scripture verses for each of these things I'm going to talk about now but I believe they are a legitimate application of this text they basically have come to my attention after 41 years of marriage and 40 years of ministry by the way the 41 years of marriage we had wonderful and have still with my mother wonderful relationship with in loss I had a great relationship with genie's parents and she's had a great relationship with mine we've been blessed that way through the years but we still had to negotiate these waters we still had to talk about these six things I'm going to talk about we still had to make sure that we did what we felt was right in these six areas because these are areas of possible conflict and I and every other pastor who counsels and deals with people here's these kinds of things as problems in marriages so what are the six areas of possible conflict with parents that you need to you need to avoid you need to deal with one is the idea the very concept of marital conflict marital conflict be careful about involving your parents in your marital squabbles when you have a little tiff a little argument don't go run into mama every time that happens because what you will do is you will pull them into your marriage force them to choose sides and that will simply pull the two of you apart never a good idea so be careful about marital conflict and dragging your parents into that second thing is the issue of time here's an area of possible conflict if you spend all your free time with your parents maybe even to the exclusion of your own wife or husband and children that's a problem or it may work this way if you spend all your time with one set of parents to neglect of the other set of parents you've got to learn to balance that out and typically that happens with very young married couples when they get to their first Thanksgiving and Christmas and they have to negotiate those waters of oh we didn't think about this how are we going to spend time with both sets of parents and balance this out because both of them want us there for Christmas dinner or Thanksgiving dinner you know the good thing about that is if you work it right you get two dinners and so that's a great a great idea think about how to do that be careful about time that can be a possible conflict third area possible conflict is finances let me say this especially to young couples don't expect your parents to finance your marriage or to bail you out now again let me back up a little bit that may sometimes be necessary especially for newly married couples i understand how tough it is to get started to build a financial base to be able to handle emergencies and so forth but you should never receive financial aid from your parents unless these three things happen number one it is absolutely necessary it's a crisis number two you are both in agreement on what's being done that you've talked about it prayed about it you're in agreement and number three you clarify with your parents whether it's a gift or a loan you wouldn't believe the squabbles i've heard from that one make sure you understand clearly is this gift or is this a loan because if one's thinking one way and the others thinking another way the fur is going to fly at some point let me say this also to young couples in this regard please do not feel like you need everything in your home that your parents have after 25 or 30 years of marriage to start with that's just a lack of good stewardship and financial restraint and discipline be willing to start with the mixed-matched couch and chair be willing to start with the old rickety bed that doesn't feel like it's gonna hold up be willing to start with the pink refrigerator like we had when we got married man was i ever glad when we were able to get something else be willing to start with less and build up it took your parents 25 or 30 years to do that so be willing to do that show some financial restraint and discipline don't feel like you need to start from day one with everything you've grown up with your parents probably didn't don't have that expectation a lot of couples get themselves in huge financial problems in debt because of that very thing well i got to have the newest this and the newest that and the nicest this and no you don't you don't have to have all that start with so be careful about the area finances the fourth area possible conflict is advice advice young couples make use of your parents experience ask for their advice go to them for advice they have a wealth of experience parents on the other hand be careful about offering advice unless it's asked for i mean if it's if you can see that something is going really wrong the terrible direction is going to harm the family then you may need to step in and offer some unsolicited advice but be careful about doing that too freely every young couple has to learn to make their own decisions solve their own problems make their own mistakes and learn from them don't enable them make sure you allow them to grow and learn so be careful about advice but young couples please seek your parents advice till the day my dad died at age 82 i was asking his advice about things that i would face or questions i had ask your parents advice okay fifth area of possible conflict between you and your parents you've got to avoid has to do with your children your children young couples need to decide how they will teach train and discipline their children think about it two people come together and get married they come from different backgrounds different family backgrounds where is the case where there's an identical set of backgrounds where they were reared and trained in exactly the same way and so you come into a marriage with different expectations you two are going to have to figure that out and i like to tell couples figure out what the biblical principles are first and then figure out how you gonna apply those how you're actually going to do them but there's some clear biblical principles about discipline that formed the foundation of everything apparent ought to know about that and also about training we can certainly learn from our parents but parents need to sometimes step back and allow their children to find their own way again unless it's a serious problem their own way of figuring out how to rear their children although i will say this to young couples there's a lot of benefit in learning from grandparents and parents i clipped this article out a number of years ago and i've always enjoyed it this little poem junior bit the meter man junior kicked the cook juniors anti social now according to the book junior smashed the clock and lamp junior hacked the tree destructive trends are treated in chapters two and three junior through his milk at mom junior screamed for more notes on self assertiveness are found in chapter four junior tossed his shoes and socks out into the rain negation that and normal disregard the state junior got in grandpa's room tore up his fishing line that's to gain attention see page 89 grandpa sees the slipper and yank junior crosses knee grandpa hasn't read a book since 1983 and there's something to be said for the way grandpa did it you know so young couples you can learn a lot from your parents and your grandparents parents and grandparents back off a little bit don't try to run your children's lives as to how they decide to rear their children it's a great potential area of conflict causes a lot of trouble and this may be the most serious one or the one that can cause the most damage and that is number six comparisons don't compare your spouse with your parents don't say honey can't you learn to cook like my mom or sweetheart couldn't you learn to be more handy like my dad was don't do that you will create resentment and bitterness and especially don't make negative comparisons you get more like your mother all the time you sound more like your dad all the time be careful very careful I read about a newly married man who came home one evening and his wife was in tears he said how much wrong and she said you know that cake I make from my mother's recipe he said yeah he's well I made one she said I made one just for you I was gonna surprise you tonight and I laid it out the cool and the cat ate half of it he said oh honey don't worry that's okay I know someone that will give us a new kitten probably not the best thing to say be careful about comparisons between the two families well our family did it this way I know our family did it you know amazingly enough I have heard serious marital squabbles over how to do Christmas now understand how your traditions that you grew up with are very special to you but you come into marriage with a certain set of expectations about this is the way the Bible says to do Christmas right surely it's in the book it has a chai or something you go to grandma's house on Christmas Eve and you you open presents on Christmas morning and you have your big Christmas dinner at two o'clock that's it that's the way the Bible says to do it right of course not but that you you come into that with that set of expectations and your mate comes in and they're not used to that and they have a whole different concept and sometimes that first Christmas is a make it or break it deal with some couples it's amazing be careful that you don't compare families okay figure out your own way to do Christmas new years thanks giving whatever be careful about comparisons avoid those areas of possible conflict okay third principle about your parents and your marriage is this and it's a good balance to what we've already talked about honor your parents honor your parents would you look with me please at Ephesians chapter six Ephesians six Paul has been talking in Ephesians five about the relationship between husband and wife and he has even quoted the verse we started with in Genesis two in Ephesians 531 he's quoted that verse to indicate the oneness between husband and wife and so he's established again the principle that a man leaves father and mother is united to his wife the tool become one flesh now as a balance to that look down on chapter six verse one a Christian or children obey your parents in the Lord for this is right now verse two honor your father and mother which is the first commandment with a promise and then he quotes the promise so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth you see it honor your father and mother it's one of the ten commandments by the way honor your father and mother now I think that provides some well-needed balance between with what we've just talked about leaving behind that older prior commitment in that phase of your life where your prior commitment was and loyalty was to your parents you've left that behind now your primary loyalty to your wife your husband your own children but you still honor your parents there is no indication that that command is to end once you get married now the command to obey your parents in the sense that they are over you in an authoritative capacity that ends when you get married or at some point when you leave home when you're 86 or whatever you know at that some point that'll end that'll stop but the command to honor your parents will never stop that is always a part of what God expects of us as children is to honor our parents so what does that mean it means that you don't forget them it means that you stay in touch with them especially if you're far away you make the effort to stay in touch with them it means that you let them know you care for them you respect them you seek their advice it means that you do special things for them and with them if you're in close proximity it means that you spend time with them it means that you ask for their advice it certainly means you're always courteous and kind and gracious and forgiving to your parents that's what it means to honor your parents and by the way it includes your in-laws it includes your in-laws remember they spent years molding the character of the person you've chosen to spend your life with so respect them and honor them for that after the first service this morning someone came up and and told me a story that they had read about former president Ronald Reagan that on Mother's Day he always sent a dozen roses to his mother-in-law and thanked her for forming the character of his wife one way to do it maybe I'm reminded of a story I read about a big game hunter who often went on safari to Africa and in one particular hunting trip he took along his wife and his mother-in-law and after about a week of a big game hunting in the savannah wilderness area of Africa they woke up in the middle of the night to find mama gone and so they began to frantically search and after about an hour of searching they found her in a clearing with a huge lion ready to pounce her direction and the wife was horrified what we do to help mama and the husband whispered nothing the lion got himself into this fix let him get himself out of it there are lots of great mother-in-law jokes we'll stop at that but honoring your parents does involve your in-laws as well does involve your in-laws now let me extend this principle on a little bit further in the last point of this message and it's this and this does relate to your marriage it will affect your marriage maybe more than anything else that you'll deal with with your parents and that is provide care for your parents when there comes a time when your parents because of age or infirmity need your care provide that care it will affect you and your marriage but number one we have a biblical responsibility to care for our we really do if you'll look with me at first Timothy chapter five first Timothy chapter five where Paul has been instructing his young trainee in the ministry Timothy as to how he should conduct himself in the church how he should lead the church how he should minister to the flock it's what first Timothy and second Timothy were all about and also tied us to another one of Paul's protegees in chapter five he's talking about okay how does the church deal with widows and in that day it was a huge issue because there were no government programs there was no social security there was no fallback for women who found themselves suddenly without a mate and in that society there were no easily available jobs for women either so women often became destitute if their husbands died so that was a very common thing in the first century to deal with Paul's instructing Timothy that the church has a responsibility but only if there is no family he says if there is family to care for that that widow they bear the first responsibility and so along with that he says in verse eight anyone who does not provide for their relatives and especially for their own household has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever i mean God takes this seriously this is your God says if you do not provide for your own role in in the context it's talking about taking care of widows taking care of elderly parents who may have had a spouse to die or even an elderly couple will extend it to that as well but God takes this seriously says if you do not provide for them then you've denied the faith you're like in a posse state in my eyes you're worse than an infidel or an unbeliever someone who's denied the faith that's pretty serious it just shows how seriously God takes this responsibility we have to care for our parents now let me say this it may become impossible for you to do that in your home obviously that's the preferred means but it may become impossible for you to do that medical technology has made it possible for life to be extended far beyond what was the normal lifespan in first century it also along with that brings complicated medical issues that the average person simply can't deal with and cannot provide the around the around the clock care or medical attention that is needed and so i believe that given the situation we find ourselves in today you need to understand and identify what is the best way i can provide for my parent what is the best way i can provide for their needs not necessarily what's the best way to satisfy my feelings of guilt if i don't care for them in my home and again that's the best option but it may not always be the best option in certain cases of medical need so i think providing for your family may include the kind of medical care that is necessary to take care of their needs at times that certainly falls under providing for your your widow or your family but we do have a biblical responsibility second thing and this moves to if you decide to care for them in your home because this is where it begins to affect your marriage drastically or can potentially drastically be in agreement in regard to providing care in your home make sure that you pray about this you discuss this you consider every thing that's going to happen that you possibly can both what is best for your parents what is best for your own family remember your primary commitment your primary loyalty is to your own family and so make sure that you balance those two make sure that you make the decision which is best for you and your parent and can fulfill both your primary loyalty to your family and your responsibility to honor and care for your parents that can be very tricky at times but make sure that as husband and wife you're in agreement on that number three if that happens if you care for your parent in your home your parent does not become the head of your home boy have I ever seen that create trouble if you take an elderly parent into your home that parent does not become the head of your home you have established your own household the Bible teaches the husband is the head of that household and so you are still the head of that household don't put your children in the position of having too many adults telling them what to do with conflicting ideas don't do that number four help your parent to be as independent as possible if you take a parent into your home help them to be as independent as possible my my parents did a classic job of doing that with my mother's mother for 12 years they kept her in her home before medically it became just impossible to do so any longer she had a separate end of the house her own little room and it was not on a separate apartment but they fixed up a room for her and a bathroom for her and let her have some independence and she was kind of on her own and it was a great situation for them help them to be as independent as possible number five help your parent feel needed and appreciated if you take a parent into your home help them feel needed and appreciated enable them to be a part of the working of the family allow them to do whatever they can do physically to help if they can do dishes if they can help cook the meals if they can help clean the house whatever they can do allow them to be involved in don't make them another child and they have them to feel needed and appreciated and then this may be the most important one for your marriage guard against resentment guard against resentment and I mean that in a couple of ways guard against the resentment that can come against the parent that you're caring for because if you're the one providing care sometimes they will turn against you be critical of you and they may speak glowingly of their other children that live far away and have really no no involvement in their care and turn against you be careful about resentment and bitterness but also be careful about resentment toward your mate if it is your mate's parents or parent that is being cared for in your home and you're doing most of the work because your mate is still working outside the home or whatever the case may be that can lead to resentment against your mate be careful about that let me give you some verses that would be good to read meditate on maybe memorize if you find yourself in that kind of difficult position Colossians chapter 3 verses 12 to 14 just listen to them therefore as God's chosen people holy and dearly loved clothe yourselves and these are the qualities you're going to need in caring for your parents clothe yourselves with compassion kindness humility gentleness and patience bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone forgive is the Lord forgave you and over all these virtues put on love which binds them all together in perfect unity great passage for caregivers particularly if you feel resentment starting to build great passage to meditate on well it is a real tragedy when parents become an issue in your marriage that drives you apart that's a real tragedy but it can also be a huge blessing when parents help you build a good marriage and contribute to your well-being as husband and wife that can be a tremendous blessing and as grandparents if they have that kind of godly impact upon your children and they are there to offer help and advice when needed that can be a tremendous tremendous blessing but only if you remember the principles of the Bible leave father and mother in the sense that your loyalty now shifts your primary loyalty shifts to your own family avoid the areas of potential danger conflict but make sure you balance that with a healthy honoring of your parents and yes if need be caring for them when that time comes let's pray together father thank you for the principles of your word for those scriptures which enable us to understand what it means to deal with these issues in our marriage pray father that you would help marriages today that may be struggling with some of these issues related to their parents whether it be that of primary loyalty or conflict they're having or how to honor parents or care for them pray father that you would help those who are struggling with these issues to come to grips with the biblical principles and how to apply them in their own unique situation lord it is my heart's desire that that homes be healthy and strong that marriages be solid and know how to avoid the kind of conflict that will tear them apart so lord toward that end do your work by your spirit in each life in each heart in each home we pray in Jesus name amen