Looking Out for Number One

A few years ago, Google did a project of forming a database of over 5 million books that had been written from 1500 up until 2008. It's an amazing project and as a result of that amazing piece of work, you can type in certain words on your search engine and you can find the decline of certain words over the years or the increase in certain other words over the years. In fact, a New York Times columnist was so interested in that that he wrote a book based on his findings after he did something like that. And his book was called The Story of the Last Half Century. What he did is he focused on the last 50 years and he traced words that had become less popular and words that had become more popular in our culture as far as searches on the Internet are concerned in this database. And so he came up with this. Two aspects of our society and culture he noted. One, he said was the rise of individualism. And he based that on this. He said over the past 50 years, individualistic words and phrases increasingly overshadowed communal words and phrases. For instance, he writes, the following individualistic words have been used more frequently over the 50 years. Self personalized, I come first, I can do it myself. In contrast, the following communal words have been used less frequently over the past 50 years. Community, share, band together, common good. He said, this one thing I've noted is the rise in individualism. The second thing he said, he's noticed in the number of searches that are done and the way that even writing has changed in the past 50 years is the decline in moral virtue. He said certain words were especially hard hit, words that just declined in usage in people's writing, words that had to do with courage or gratitude. He said the following words have dropped in usage, modesty, humility, discipline, honesty, patience, faith, and wisdom. And he lists other words that have grown in their popularity. So he said the second thing he has noted based on that information is the increase in moral evil in our world and in our culture. He said, I suspect the two go together and I would certainly agree with that assessment. It's an interesting article that he wrote. We have become a self-centered society. We have become a society that the internet, talk shows, and magazines are filled with self-help techniques, self-improvement strategies, self-fulfillment tips. So we have become a society whose credo basically is looking out for number one. And you know what? I would agree that that ought to be the way we live. Looking out for number one. It all depends on how you define number one. You see, as believers in Jesus Christ, we would define number one as Christ Himself. And so looking out for number one means that I will live my life focused upon Him, upon Jesus Christ and seeking to glorify Him and honor Him and all that I do. When it comes to marriage, number one is your mate. And so looking out for number one becomes living, serving, and loving with your mates' interests at heart, looking out for them ahead of yourself. And I believe that is the biblical picture of marriage in these last few weeks. We've been in a series on marriage. And right now, in this part of this series, we're talking about seven keys to harmony in marriage. We've talked about marital conflict, conflict resolution. We've talked about leaving our parents. We've talked about communication. Today we talk about selflessness or unselfishness. The reason why selfishness is so pervasive is that it is at the very core of our nature that is corrupted by sin. It is at the very core of who we are. From Adam and Eve's first choice in the Garden to disobey God, which by the way was motivated by a promise from Satan of self-fulfillment and self-enlightenment and wisdom. From Keynes' question back to our Lord, when our Lord said, where is your brother Abel and Keynes' self-centered response, an early evidence of his own sinful nature? Am I my brother's keeper? From the early evidence of selfishness in the Garden of Eden up until the last days where the Bible says, the last days will be characterized this way. Look at 2 Timothy, chapter 3 verse 2 on the screen. But mark this, Paul says, there will be terrible times in the last days, and notice the very first characteristic of these terrible times in the last days just before Jesus comes back. People will be lovers of themselves. So from the Garden of Eden up until the days that are marked as the last days, the days just before Jesus returns, we are characterized by selfishness and self-centeredness, and so it should come as no surprise that that is a huge problem in marriages. You mean to tell me that two people who are infected with this nature that is at its core selfish can come together and be united as one. Ephesians 5, 31, one of our key verses in this series. You've seen it many times, with this reason, Iman shall leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. How does that happen when you have two people whose natures are both infected at the very core with self-centeredness? How do those two people who have as their credo looking out for myself become one, become united? In other words, how do we overcome this pervasive disease of selfishness? Well, that's our topic for today. We think about marriage and the need for self-lessness, the need for unselfishness. How do we overcome this pervasive disease that is at the very core of our nature and disrupts so many marriages? Well, I think for the answer, we can look in Philippians 2. I would invite your attention to Paul's letter to the Philippians 2nd chapter, where Paul deals with this very thing. Not in the context of marriage, but definitely in the context of human relationships. And so the principles certainly apply. Let's look first of all at the principles of unselfishness that Paul deals with in Philippians 2. If you're there with me, let's look at verse 1. Paul says, therefore, if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, basically to summarize all of that, I would say Paul is saying, if there really is anything to this being in Christ. If it really makes a difference in your life, if Jesus Christ being number one in your life, being your Savior and your Lord, and guiding and directing your life, if that really means anything to you, if there really is any change in your life, any encouragement from that, any comfort from that, any common sharing in the spirit as all believers do have, if there's any tenderness and compassion, the work that God has done in your own, if there really is anything to being in Christ, then he makes this plea for unity in verse 2. Then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Notice how Paul defines unity. It's not everybody in the same room at the same time. That's not necessarily what unity means. Unity is unity of heart, mind, soul and purpose. Notice he talks about the inner man there, be like-minded. Doesn't mean everybody thinks exactly alike on every issue, but it does mean as far as our commitment to Christ and His work in this world and our passion to see His glory throughout this world, we are like-minded. We have that same goal and purpose. And He says, have the same love, the same love for Christ, the same love for our fellow believers, the same love for the lost, if we have the same love that motivates us, that compels us, then we have unity. And then He talks about being one in spirit and of one mind, one in spirit, to have the same driving ambition and passion in life. And that is again to glorify Christ and to build up one another and to reach the lost, same spirit, same passion in life. And of one mind means that our vision, our purpose, our goal is set on the same thing. If you have those things in common, you have unity. And so if there's anything to being in Christ, He says, have this unity, have this oneness, but then He deals with what we have to deal with in order to have that kind of unity. And if it's true in the church, it is no less true in the closest human relationship you have in a marriage bond. So we have to deal with these same four things when it comes to our marriages. Notice what Paul says, we have to deal with these four issues. We have to deal with, first of all, we have to deal with self-ambition, verse three. Do nothing out of selfish ambition. The word that Paul uses here, three, four hundred years before Paul lived, the well-known Greek philosopher Aristotle used the same word of a greedy grasp for political public office using any means necessary to get it. You get the idea. It is a greedy grasp or attempt to gain the upper hand, to get what you want, to be recognized, to be in the limelight, to be the one who gets the attention, that grasp, that greediness for position and power and authority and recognition, that selfish ambition. It is ambition, drive, motivation that has really centered on me, centered on myself. And Paul says, we've got to deal with that in relationships. In the church, yes, but also in marriage, we have to deal with that self-ambition, that desire to be the one that gets recognized, the desire to be the one that's first, the ambition that drives us. And you know what, that can even happen in ministry. It can even happen in the church. It happened to Paul. He uses the very same word back in chapter one, if you'll look at it back in chapter one verse 15. He says, it is true that some preach Christ. He's talking about people who are preaching in Rome, while Paul's in prison in Rome. He says, it is true that some preach Christ out of envy and rivalry, but others out of good will, the latter do so out of love, knowing that I am put here for the defense of the gospel. Now look at verse 17, the former, those who are preaching out of envy and rivalry, the former preach Christ out of selfish ambition. Not sincerely, supposing that they can stir up trouble for me while I am in chains. Now Paul goes on to say, you know, I'm just going to focus on the fact that Christ is being preached. They have to answer to God for their own motivations for that, but I'm just going to rejoice that Christ is being preached. God will take care of the motives and sort all that out, the judgment seat of Christ, but I'm thankful Christ is being preached. But isn't it amazing that while Paul's in prison in Rome, there are some preachers who are saying, huh, Paul's in prison, maybe I can get more of a following now. And the whole motivation for their preaching was out of selfish ambition, that greedy grasp to be in the limelight, the great apostle Paul, kind of off the scene. So now it's my time, right? To preach with those kind of motives. You see it is possible to have motives of self-ambition in any relationship or any endeavor in Paul says, if you're going to have the kind of unity and oneness in a church or certainly in a marriage that he speaks of in Ephesians 5, we've got to deal with self-ambition. Secondly, we have to deal with self-glory. Notice what he says in verse 3, do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. This is a conceit or a self-glory that is empty, that is vain. It is empty pride that lifts ourselves up at the expense of other people. It is the kind of pride can take any number of different forms, putting other people down so that I look better, promoting myself rather than others, projecting an inflated opinion of myself rather than honoring others. It can take any number of forms, but it is the glorification of self, vain conceit. And that can spill over into a marriage relationship and absolutely poison it. And so we have to deal with that. One of my favorite stories about self-glory and pride is when I've told you before, but just act like you've never heard it, okay? That's a great story, I just love it. It's a story I heard from John Orteberg a number of years ago about the famous mayor of Chicago, Richard J. Daley. His son also followed him as mayor later, but this was the original father of the daily clan in Chicago and the political machine that was so strong there for so many years. Richard J. Daley was well known for being arrogant and pompous and kind of proud. And he made speeches frequently, obviously, it was a well-known national political figure. But he never wrote his own speeches. He had two speech writers that wrote his speeches for him and he rarely even previewed them. He had a manuscript before him, he just opened it up, start reading. And so sometimes he got in a little trouble because of that because he really never knew what he was going to say. So one of his speech writers comes to him one day and says, you know, I've been working for you for many years. I think I deserve a race. I've worked hard and a lot of your success is due to the speeches you give. And I just think I need a race and Daley looked back at him and said, I'm not going to give you a race. It ought to be enough for you that you work for a great American hero. So speech writer left the room. Few days later, Mayor Daley is speaking at a group of veterans. Interestingly enough, this being veterans day, he's speaking to a group of veterans. He's a national convention. It's getting national press coverage. And he is thundering on and waxing eloquent about his concern for the veterans. And he said, you know, there are a lot of people in this country who have forgotten all about you, not me. I will never forget you. I want to see you taken care of. And today I'm going to outline a 17 point proposal for local state and federal government to take care of our veterans. He's leaning forward to hear what he's going to say. He's kind of interested himself as to what he's going to say. He turns the page to start outlining that 17 point proposal at the top. All these things are these words. You're on your own now. You're great American hero. Well that's what self glory will do for you. It will bite you in the end. It will topple you. Pride goes before a fall. Proverbs says. And a haughty spirit before destruction. Same thing can happen in a marriage. You will ruin your marriage if it is built around you. Self glory will poison your marriage. So we got to deal with self ambition. Self glory. Thirdly, we got to deal with self importance. Notice what he says there in verse three. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Better in humility, value others above yourselves. The word value is to esteem or consider. It means to weigh the facts honestly. weigh the facts and come to the conclusion that the other person is better than you. Better in every way, better in everything. No, no, no, it's not the point. Here's the point. Our natural tendency is to compare ourselves to others favorably, right? Our natural tendency is to say, well, I'm better than him. I do this better than she does. Our natural tendency is to do that. And so what Paul is saying is what we need to cultivate in order to be Christ like is to look at others through a different lens. To look at them with the honest evaluation, I want to learn from this person things they do, character qualities they possess that are better than mine and I can learn from and I can grow from. That's how I want to see this other person. That's true in a marriage as well. It's very easy to become critical of your mate. You know, you get married and you find out, wow, that person is a real slob or that person that just doesn't have it all together like I thought she did. Okay? It's very easy to become critical of your mates in consistencies or thoughts. So what Paul is saying as it applies to marriage is focus on those things that you can be blessed by and learn from and grow from in your mate. Don't focus on the negative. All of us have those negative things. Don't focus on them. So if your marriage is to succeed with self-lessness or unselfishness, we've got to deal with self importance. And then forth we have to deal with self-interest, verse four. Not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. Self-interest. Typically, naturally because of our sin nature, we are interested in our own stuff. Self-interest rules, the things we value, the things we put special effort toward are typically the things that are our interests that affect me, that will help promote me. And the Bible says that's wrong. That's wrong. Self-interest will eat away at your marriage and poison it. It will kill your marriage. So these are the principles of unselfishness that we must cultivate and we must deal with self-ambition and self-glory self-importance and self-interest. But there is a pattern that Paul gives and that pattern is Christ. David Moore wrote a book in 2008 entitled The Last Men's Book You'll Ever Need. And in that book he tells the story of his two young boys, many years ago, when they were very young, they were playing with a toy train. And they were arguing over the train as children are want to do. If you put two children in a room with a thousand toys, they will want the same one, just the way children are. And so that inner self-ishness of our sin nature comes out. And so they're fighting over this toy train. And David Moore thought his older son would be able to understand some concepts of spiritual truth. He said to his little five-year-old son, David, what would Jesus do in this case? And David looked right back at him and he practically said Jesus would make another train. Yeah, that's the way we want to think, right? He would satisfy my need. He would take care of me if he'd make another train. So I could have one too. So characteristic of not only five-year-old children, but most of us adults as well. But Paul doesn't ask what would Jesus do, Paul tells us what Jesus did. And very quickly, in the next few verses, look at what Jesus did. Verse five, in your relationships with one another, that includes marriage, doesn't it? Certainly. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus, who being in very nature God did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage. He's God. He has the same nature as God, the same outward, glorious God in heaven, but he never used that to his own advantage here on earth. He never used that to his own advantage. He never used it defensively. When someone challenged him, when someone said, oh, who do you think you are? He could have easily said, I'll show you who I am. Boom! He could have spoken something into existence and created it right there out of nothing. He did that with this world, with the universe. He could have done it right. He never used his equality with God for personal and selfish advantage. He was selfless, was unselfish. Verse seven, rather, he made himself nothing, literally emptied himself of that outward evidence of God's glory. Only one time did he let it show through, and that was with three of his disciples on the Mount of Transfiguration, and they were blown away by it. You know, Jesus could have done that at any point. To the crowds who questioned him to the Pharisees, who criticized him, he could have blown him away with the blazing essence of his glory, and he never did. He made himself nothing. By taking the very nature of a servant, he became a servant to others, and not just a good, not so other people would say, wow, look at him. No, by nature, he took on the nature of a servant. But God who created the universe is washing his disciples feet. Very nature of a servant. Being found, he's been made in human likeness, in the verse seven, being found in appearance as a man. He identified with us. Again, he becomes man. He takes on a human nature, a human body. He becomes one of us. He identifies with us how selfless of him. And then he goes one step further in this unselfishness. He humbled himself by becoming obedient to death, even death on a cross. Jesus, the creator of the universe, dies on a cross for you and for me. He lowers himself all the way to submit to the Father, to the Father's plan, for our salvation, to die on the cross to pay for our sins. There is no greater pattern of self-blastness, of unselfishness in all the Bible. And what Paul is saying is if you really want to be Christ-like, then live that way. If you want to have a Christ-like marriage, then live that way. That's the pattern. Now quickly, let me just mention these seven practices in our marriage. I'm going to apply it specifically to marriage now with these seven practices. What does selflessness or unselfishness look like as it's practiced in marriage? What about your physical relationship? In your physical relationship, the Bible has something to say about that in 1 Corinthians 7, 3 and 4. We've looked at these verses before, but look at them again on the screen. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife. And likewise, the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but yields it to her husband. Let's move on to the next verse. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but yields it to his wife. The concept is, even in the physical relationship and marriage, even in the sexual union and marriage, it's not what I can get to please myself. It is what I give to please my mate. That is the concept of unselfishness in marriage, in the physical relationship. Secondly, what about your spiritual relationship? Are you committed to promoting the spiritual growth of your mate, or is it all about you? Are you committed to doing what is best for the spiritual growth of your family, particularly of your mate, or are you disconcernd about yourself? Thirdly, what about your social life? Do you make plans and activities together? Do you do some things together? Have you ever developed an interest in hobbies and activities together or at least support each other's interests? Not saying you always have to do everything together and you always have to share the same interests, but do you support one another? Do you look out more for the interest of your mate than you do for yourself, or is it all about what you want to do? Your interest is in. It brings you fulfillment. My dad was such a great example of this. I hate shopping, probably like most men, and my dad did too. He can stand to go shopping, but my mother loved to go to fabric stores. My dad retired. He always went with her. You know what he did? He could tell you within a 50 mile radius of Princeton, how many light bulbs were in every fabric store, how many zippers, how many buttons were in every fabric, he just went around counterstuff. That's how I passed the time. Such a great example of saying, I want to promote your interest. You love sewing, you love fabric stores, I'm going to go with you. We'll enjoy the trip, we'll have fun together, and I'll find out how many light bulbs they've got. It's great. What about in your finances? I'll say more about that later in a message, but let me just say this, as far as unselfishness is concerned, I have never understood how to can become one and have his and her checking accounts, his and her finance. I've never understood that. In fact, most often in my counseling, I think other pastors would probably tell you the same thing, seeing that create a lot of problems, suspicion, mistrust, lots of issues. So you're one, you're together, you're one, you're unified. What about in your family relationships? Do you insist that you spend all of your time with your folks, your parents, your family? Or are you willing to give for your mate's family as well? What about in your communication? Are you waiting for the other person to open up to bring up the issue, to talk about things? Are you willing to take the first step? We talked about that last week and we saw clearly from the scriptures, the Bible never gives you the option of waiting for the other person to come to you. Never. And so are you being selfish, holding back, waiting for the other to come? Are you going to take the initiative? And then what about your love and respect? We've talked a lot about love and respect in this series and the husband's responsibility to love his wife and the wife's responsibility to respect her husband. Some of you are thinking, I will not respect him because he doesn't love me or I will not love him or respect him because he doesn't love me. Did I say both of them the same way? If so, twist it around. Okay, you know what I'm talking about. Can I get a straight? Are you waiting for your mate to fulfill their part before you even attempt yours? Selfishness. That's not living with their interests. Mine's living with your interests in mine. It's going exactly against what Paul said in Philippians 2. So here's the F-shot. Here's what we're talking about. Face your selfishness as sin and confess it as such. Don't hide behind other successes. You may have great education. You may do wonderful in your job. You may be a tremendous sports star. You may do well in the church. Don't hide behind other successes. Own up to your selfishness. Confess it as sin. Repair the damage it's been done in your marriage as best you can and then start giving. Start looking for what you can do for your mate. Not what your mate can do for you. The paraphrase, the words of a former president, ask not what your mate can do for you. Instead, ask what you can do for your mate. You've heard marriage describe as a 50-50 proposition. Stop treating your marriage as a 50-50 proposition. It's not. My experience is that people who see it as a 50-50 proposition are waiting for their mate to give their 50 percent first. And then I'll think about giving my 50 percent. That's utter selfishness. Marriage as designed by God is a hundred to nothing proposition. And what that simply means, it is your spirit and your attitude to put the interest of your mate first that you will give 100 percent. Not waiting for them to give anything before you give. Now, if both husband and wife take that seriously, then both are giving 100 percent, right? Rather than 50 percent. And if you do that, then you are looking out for number one in a biblical way. Let's pray together. Father, we rejoice in your word. We long to submit to it, but we are weak. We are so selfish at our core. I pray, Father, that in all of our relationships, but especially in our marriages, you would help us to be selfless, to be unselfish, to give as Jesus gave for us, giving up everything to come and be our Savior. May we be like that in our relationships with our mates. We ask in Jesus' name, amen.