Building Love Into Your Marriage

Our topic this morning is building love into your marriage. We're talking about seven keys to marital harmony. And we've already looked at four of those, resolving conflict, dealing with parents, leaving mom and dad in order to establish your own marital relationship. We've talked about communication. We've talked about unselfishness. And today we come to the fifth of those seven keys to harmony in the home and in marriage. And that is love. In Ephesians chapter 5, in verse 25, Paul gives this command. It's on the screen for you this morning. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Then in Titus chapter 2, he gives this command to wives. He tells the older women to be training the younger women. He says, then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children. We've looked at both of those verses, even the differences between them. But the fact is God tells both husbands and wives to love each other. But that's not something that just happens. Love is not something you fall into. A lot of people talk about why fell in love. Well, I hope you got up and went on because love is not something that you just fall into. Love is something that must be developed in a marriage relationship. So that's what we're going to talk about this morning. How do we develop? How do we build love into our marriage relationships? I want to share with you this morning three steps to building love into your marriage. The first is this. Love must be understood. I'm convinced this may be the foundation, the key principle of all. And that is that love must be understood. I am absolutely convinced that most of us do not understand the biblical concept of love when it comes to marriage. So let's begin with a definition of love. What does the word really mean? When we use the word love, we can use any number of things. We can be talking about physical attraction. We can be talking about infatuation. We can be talking about a fondness for someone, kind of a friendship type of love. We can be talking about sympathy. We might be talking about compassion. Those and many other concepts are included in the word love. But they are not what the Bible means when the Bible says that we should love our wives in particular. The word that Paul uses in Ephesians chapter 5 is the Greek word agape. He had a choice of four different words, all of which communicate a different kind of love. And he chose this word agape to communicate a particular kind of love. It's the kind of love that is interested in and has a desire for the good of another person. It is an unsalphical love that is focused on giving for the benefit of another person. It is willing even to sacrifice for the good of another person. The kind of love we're talking about is an unsalphish attitude of giving for the good of your mate. It focuses upon the other person and not you. Probably the best way to describe and illustrate this love is that this is the exact word in the Bible that is used of God's love for us. And so let's look at what that means, how that is demonstrated. And I think it will help us to gain a better appreciation and understanding of what love between husband and wife should be. Familiar verse on the screen for you, John 316. For God so loved the world, that's our word. God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. God loves us. How did he show that love? What does that love look like? How is it demonstrated? It is a giving kind of love. And God so loved us that he was willing to give his one and only son. That is sacrifice. That is an attitude and an action of giving for the benefit of others. It was solely by God's grace out of his love for us and for our benefit, our eternal salvation, our redemption that Jesus gave his life for us and God gave his son for us. So often this concept is found in scripture Romans chapter 5 says it this way in verse 8 but God demonstrates his agape, his own love for us in this. How did God demonstrate it? While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. And in the passage Paul is talking about how incredible that is. He draws up on our own experience and he says you know it's possible that one person might die for another if that person is really close to you or if that's a good person or a person that you would just hate to see dying so you would give your life for them. But God loved us so much that he gave his son Jesus to die for us when we were still sinners when we didn't deserve any that God loved us and he moved toward us in the sacrifice of his son. That's his love for us. Again John describes it in first John chapter 4 verses 9 and 10 where he says this is how God showed his agape, his love among us. He sent his one and only son into the world that we might live through him. This is love. Not that we love God but that he loved us. How does that love demonstrate itself and sent his son as an intoning sacrifice for our sins? So God's love consistently in these three verses and many others God's love is demonstrated by giving God's love is demonstrated by sacrificing for our benefit, our eternal benefit. The forgiveness of our sin is made possible by his great love gift the Lord Jesus to be our savior. So that demonstrates that's a tremendous illustration of the kind of love that we are to have for our wives as husbands the kind of love that is to be there in a marriage because the same word. God's love is demonstrated in sacrificial giving for our benefit and love between a husband and wife is to be demonstrated in sacrificial giving for the good of another person. It is all about that attitude of commitment that is willing to take actions, even sacrifices to benefit that other person. It has nothing to do with feelings. Nothing to do with feelings. Now I'm not ruling out feelings in a marriage relationship. There is a kind of love that is romantic feeling and physical attraction and all that's a part of what brings a couple together but that is not strong enough to enable your love to last through all of the difficulties of life. If your love is going to last and grow deeper it has got to be the kind of love we're talking about this morning. The kind of love that is a commitment to give of yourself for the good of another person to do what is best for them not what is best for you. That's what God did for us and that's what we're called upon to do for others. Not only is this love defined in the scriptures by the word and by God's example but it is also described in the scriptures. So let's look at the description of this love in the famous love chapter. First Corinthians chapter 13. I want you to open your Bible there please. The first Corinthians 13. We're going to spend a few moments looking at a description of this love. We hear this passage often in wedding ceremonies and we often just kind of glide over these words without really stopping to think what they're communicating to us. So I want us to take just a few moments this morning to look at it in a little more depth. What is this kind of love that we're supposed to have toward one another and particularly our application this morning is in the marriage relationship. What does it look like? I want you to notice that everything I'm going to read for you in verses 4 through 7 has to do with attitudes and actions not anything about feelings. It's all that attitude of commitment that is willing to take actions of sacrifice for the good of another person. So here's what it looks like. Verse 4. Love is patient. It is patient with the other person with their shortcomings with their weaknesses and we all have them, right? And so in order for love to be deep and to be the kind of love that God had for us, it must exercise patience toward the other person's shortcomings and weaknesses, even patience in not asserting your rights in that relationship. Have patience for the other person. So love is patient. He says and he says love is kind. That means it's good nature. It's considered it's gracious. It's courteous. It's kind in his expression to the person who is loved. Thirdly, he says it does not envy. Obviously, if love is a sacrificial giving for the good of another person, it does not envy when that person does well. It does not think ill of a person when that person is blessed, when that person accomplishes something. True biblical love cheers that person on when they do well, when they accomplish something, when they excel beyond you. And in a marriage when your mate is blessed and when they do well at something, there's no envy or jealousy about that. There is a gratitude and a cheerfulness. Love does not envy. But then notice how he describes it next. He says it does not boast. It's not seeking to win applause for itself. Then he goes on to say it is not proud. It's not conceded. It's not anything to do with self to start with. The kind of love we're talking about is self giving, self sacrificing. It is self less. So it's not looking for things acclaim, praise for itself or yourself. Then he goes on in verse 5 to describe it this way. It does not dishonor others. In other words, it's not rude. It is gracious. It doesn't treat others crudely. It goes on. It is not self seeking. Obviously. The kind of love we're talking about is the exact opposite of self seeking. It puts the other person first. It seeks what is best for them, not what is best for me. So if the kind of love that is to be demonstrated in marriage is really being carried out, you're not looking for what you can get out of the relationship. But what you can give to your mate in the relationship, it is not self seeking. He goes on. Verse 5. It is not easily angered. Not quick tempered. It doesn't rush to judgment. There are no snap judgments based on a sudden impulse of anger that you make a quick decision about the motive of another person or what they have done. And that's your decision and you stick by it. It's not easily angered. Again, it bears long. It suffers much. It's patient. He goes on to describe in verse 5. It keeps no record of wrongs. Wow, here's a big one. Have you ever found yourself saying to your mate, yeah, but three weeks ago you five years ago, I remember when you started to think about it and you start down the list. Love throws away that mental black book that you have kept in order to have leverage. In order to get the upper hand, in order to be able to defend yourself or accuse your mate, love throws that little black book away. It does not keep a record of wrongs. Look at the Bible says, look at verse 6. He describes it this way. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. Love sympathizes with what's good and right and truthful. Not in what's wrong mistakes, faults, weaknesses, rejoices in that which is good. It focuses on that which is positive and good and truthful. It does not focus on the negative. If you're the eternal pessimist, you need to do a lot of work in verse 6 in your marriage, your outlook towards your mate. He goes on, verse 7. It always protects. The idea here is to cover or conceal. What is it that love covers or conceals? Peter tells us in relationships with believers love covers a multitude of sins. The book of Proverbs also says that. So I think in relationships with each other, what we're talking about is concealing or covering faults, weaknesses. Love does not drive home to those and continue to bring them up and use them against your mate. Love has a tendency to cover over those and maximize and call attention to the strengths, to the blessing that your mate is to you. Come on, let's face it, we all have weaknesses, right? And if we choose to major on those, we can do that. We can also choose to cover those. I was asked to speak at an event Friday evening in Charleston, that a Bible center church and one of their staff members and executive pastor had retired. They were having kind of a roast Lee Walker night and they had asked me to come up and speak for that. And so there are lots of people that said lots of wonderful things about Lee Walker. It is a wonderful, wonderful man. It's been a good friend through many years. And he got up at the end after everything was done and family had spoken and two former pastors had spoken about him. And I'd dished out a little bit of dirt on him as well. And we got done and he got up and you could tell he was just in an awkward position. He said, I deeply appreciate what everything that has been said. But I also stand before you as one who knows how much of it is untrue. And it's typical for him. He said, I recognize better than anybody except my wife, my own faults. None of us could ever be worthy of what's been said here tonight. And you know, he was right. I mean, it was appropriate to give him honor. But all of us have our share of weaknesses. All of us have our share of faults and failures. I look back on my wife and my ministry and there are lots of things I regret. I don't believe people when they say I have no regrets. They're liars. They're just liars. I have things I've done that I regret decisions I've made things I've done when I responded to people that I regret. Some of them I've had to pay forward and some of them I had had covered by God's grace and others kindness. The Bible says in a marriage relationship, cover those things up. Love will cover them and conceal them and not continue to bring them up and use them against that person. That's a characteristic of love. But he goes on to describe that love always trusts. Love is not suspicious. Some of you are suspicious by nature. Your conspiracy theorists, you see problems and difficulties and conspiracies in everything that's done, including your mate. Please, please be careful about that. Love is not suspicious. Love is not always assigning impure motives and wrong motives to actions that are done. Love trusts. And then he goes on to say, love always hopes. In other words, love looks for the best. It does not focus on the worst. There's enough of that as we've already said that you could focus on if you choose to. But love hopes. Love looks toward that which is good for the future. And then he concludes by saying love always perseveres. And the word persevere is a word which has to do with sustaining assault, bearing up under difficulty, under hardship, patiently. Every marriage is going to have its share of hardship. Every marriage is going to have its downs as well as its ups. Every marriage is going to have some rocky terrain where you're struggling with each other. The kind of love the Bible talks about us having is described by bearing up under those, taking those, tolerating those, accepting that as a part of life and being patient with that rough time. Looking for that which is best in your mate, hoping for that which is best for the future and moving forward. That's the kind of love the Bible says we ought to have for one another in the body of Christ. And certainly the kind of love we ought to have for our mates. That's the description of love in the New Testament. But that reminds me that there are so many misconceptions of love. Based upon this passage, it doesn't take long for you to realize there are a lot of myths out there about what love really is. There are so many I could mention I've got ten written here in front of me, I'm only going to mention four of them. There are lots of myths about love. Some people believe this about love. Some people believe love at first sight occurs between people. Are you kidding me? You don't believe that do you? Love at first sight? Not this kind of love. Oh, physical attraction might happen at first sight. Romantic feelings of exhilaration might happen at first sight. But not this kind of love. This doesn't happen at first sight. It develops as you get to know what that other person's needs are. And thus you make a commitment to put them first and to meet their needs ahead of your own. You don't fall into that. That doesn't just happen at first sight. That takes time. And that leads me to the second one. Some people believe that infatuation is the same thing as true love. Now they may not use the word infatuation, but they're talking about physical attraction or romantic feelings. And that simply is a myth. Real love is not infatuation with a person. 16-year-old gets infatuated with that beautiful young lady or that handsome, dashing football player. And you're romantically attracted. You're exhilarated in their presence. And you know that's going to last forever. Probably not. It has the potential to grow into something deeper that can last forever, but that's not going to last forever. No way. Well, that lasts forever. And so I would counsel every young person here today and every young adult, please do not jump into a quick decision about marriage based upon your feelings toward another person. Give time for a relationship to develop that will help you to get to know each other well enough to where you can make the commitment to put that other person first and their needs first. And you can begin developing a genuine biblical love. Don't make impulsive decisions to get married quickly. You will regret those decisions. Many, many have regretted those decisions. Give time for love, the right kind of love to develop, to grow, to deepen, to express itself in a biblical fashion. Here's a third myth about love. It's okay to have sex with someone if you really love them. That's a myth. But it is so deeply ingrained in our culture. You know, 66% of college students believe what I just told you. 66% believe that it's okay to have sex with someone if you feel like you love them. Maybe no intention for marriage. No intention for a lifelong commitment. Listen, folks, God treats us better than that. God says you're above animals. You're not an animal. You are a person created in my image that I've designed to have a lifelong relationship with someone of commitment that is much deeper. Yes, it may be expressed at a high level in the physical union of husband and wife, but that is not all there is. The Bible is very clear. Hebrews 13 for marriage is honorable in all and the bed undefiled, but adulterers and fornicators, God will judge. God does judge sex outside of marriage. Sex is designed to be restrained within the confines of a union that is intended to last forever. And God intended that to be the highest level of devotion and expression of love for your mate. By the way, here's another statistic for you. Couples who live together before marriage have an 80% higher rate of divorce than those who don't. I mean, I'm telling you what the Bible says, but I'm also telling you how it works. What is seen in society? What the numbers say 80% of people who live together before marriage will end up in divorce or 80% higher possibility of divorce. Don't swallow the lie of the culture and the myth that it's okay to have sex if you feel like you love someone. First of all, make sure that that love is the kind of love the Bible talks about and it will lead you into marriage and save that coming together as husband and wife until you get married. Do it the Bible way and you'll see God's blessing. Go against what he teaches in his word and you'll see all kinds of problems, including as Hebrews 13 forces his disfavor upon you. Here's the last myth I'm going to mention. If a couple is really in love, that will last forever. It's permanent, right? Wrong. You say, oh, wait a second, John. I thought love was supposed to last forever. Yes. But here's the myth that I'm talking about. I have a lot of people believe that just because I fell in love with this person we got married, that love is automatically guaranteed to last forever. I can just put it on autopilot, go in neutral and it'll last forever. We'll just coast right on to our death. If you believe that, you are in for a rude awakening. Love the kind of Bible love I'm talking about. Obviously, actions and attitudes need cultivation. They need work. They need input. They need effort. If you don't put anything into it, if you do not put fresh energy into your marriage, it's going to atrophy. It's just like a muscle. If you don't use it, if you don't put something into it, it will grow weaker and diminished. Finally, your love will die. The New York Times had an article in December 1, 2012 issue. According to a major study that tracked 1,761 people who got married and stayed married over the course of 15 years. The article reported that newlyweds enjoy a big happiness boost that lasts on average for two years. Then the special joy wears off and they are back to where they started, at least in terms of happiness. The article went on to say, these findings have been confirmed in several more studies. A Christian author by the name of Gary Thomas who wrote a book called Sacred Search this year, 2013, took those findings and he said, it's kind of like an hourglass. He turned it as an hourglass. He said, the moment you become smitten by someone, the second you feel yourself deeply in love, in that moment the hourglass gets turned over. There is enough sand in that hourglass on average to last you about 12 to 18 months. On occasion the sand may trickle down a bit beyond that up to about two years but never by much and not with the same intensity. The average lifespan of what he calls an infatuation is almost always less than two years. You see the importance of what I'm talking about this morning? Understanding what love really is biblically so that you don't base it on the wrong thing, you don't base a marriage on just infatuation with someone, chemistry with someone, sexual pull toward someone. Gary Thomas goes on to say yes, chemistry and romantic attraction can remain for a while or even be revived but they cease to be the main glue. Here's the important point. They cease to be the main glue that holds a relationship together on a day-to-day basis after about 18 months. Feelings become, as he calls it, warm and dependable, more than hot and excitable. God, and here's his point. God simply did not design our brains to sustain a lifelong infatuation. If that's what you think love is, you're in for a rude awakening because after about 18 months of the excitement of being newlyweds, you settle into life. And life is not all dinners out and fun vacations and dressing up to do fun things together. That's not real life. And so that initial infatuation or excitement or exhilaration, we're not even geared to experience that all of our lives. It has to be built. Marriage has to be built on a deeper kind of love. The kind of love that says, I am so committed to you. I will spend the rest of my life doing what is best for you. That is biblical love. And it leads me to the second step in building love into our marriages. We've got to first of all understand what it is. And I think that's key. That's basic. It's why I've spent most of my time there. But secondly, love also must be cultivated. I've alluded to this. Let me develop it a little bit more. Love must be cultivated. It's like a garden. You don't just plant a hill of beans or row of corn in your garden and then just let it go until August. If so, you probably are not going to get much out of that. If it's not raining, you're going to water your garden. You'll tell the soil around that hill of beans to loosen it up a little bit and make it work and accept moisture better. You'll pull weeds. You'll cultivate. You'll do all of those things to make sure you give that garden the best chance to grow. And you've got to do the same thing with your marriage. Here's why. Here's why love must be cultivated. It's because of the very misunderstanding that I mentioned before that a lot of people think if I fall in love, if I'm in love with someone that's guaranteed on its own to last forever. And that's not true. That is not true. It is to a great degree based on a misunderstanding of the very next verse in the passage we have our Bibles open to 1 Corinthians 13 and verse 8. You'll notice I left out the last quality. Verse 8 says love never fails. And a lot of people read that and say, okay, there it is, John. Love will never fail. It will never stop. It will never cease. It just keeps going right on. Right? No. That is not what Paul's talking about. Verse. But where there are prophecies, they will cease where there are tongues. They will be still where there is knowledge. It will pass away. And he goes on to talk about the difference between the Christian virtue of love and its intended permanence in this age as far as what we are to cultivate and develop and show. And passing off the scene of the sign gifts, the miraculous gifts like special revelation from God or the ability to prophesy the future or special like tongues or healing, those kind of sign gifts were only designed for a particular brief period of time in church history. And that was to give credentials to the apostles as they laid the foundation of the church. Those sign gifts, those miraculous gifts were designed to be their credentials. You could check them out. Did they have the true message? That was the way you checked them out when God's word was completed the way you check out whether or not someone has the true message today is by this book. These are our credentials. So the sign gifts, he said, they're going to pass off the scene. They're only designed for a limited time. But the virtue of love is designed by God to go right on through the church age. He's not talking about individual love between husbands and wives, put it on autopilot and it's guaranteed by the word of God to last. He's not saying that and that cannot happen. It will not happen. You have got to cultivate work at keep strong your love. You've got to put fresh energy into it or it will diminish and die. So that's why you need to do it. But how do you do that? Let me just give you some very practical ways to continue to put fresh energy into your love. Keep expressing your love to each other. I've told you the story before in this series about the guy who came in for counseling. He's wife and they're saying, I don't think we love each other anymore. And she said, no, he doesn't love me. And he looks at her and says, I told you when we got married that I loved you, if I change my mind, I'll let you know. Don't be like that person. Either male or female. Don't be like that. Because that's not good enough. You've got to continue to put fresh energy into your love by expressing it. Keep telling each other that you love each other. And mean it. Keep showing each other that you love each other. Compliment each other. Now, if you're getting older and you think, well, can I really tell her anymore? She's pretty. Just look in the mirror and hope she'll say, you're handsome. Okay. You know, there are certain levels of those things that we learn to deal with as we get older that we become comfortable and accept. I'll never forget my parents. I've talked with you about them before. And the kind of love they showed for each other right up until my dad died. In fact, just a couple days before my dad died, I'm talking with him at his bedside about heaven. And he says, John, I'm not afraid to die. I know where I'm going. I just don't want to leave mom. I'll never forget telling him, you know, God or dad, God measures time differently than we do. And he says with him, a day is like a thousand years, a thousand years is like a day. And it's not meant to be an exact equivalent. Heaven doesn't measure time. But if you even use that kind of math, you'll be in heaven about two seconds and mom will join you. So don't worry about leaving her. It won't be long. You know, by the time my dad died and my mother was at that age, the physical attraction, the physical attractiveness, age had done a lot to that for them as it does with all couples. That was not the glue that held them together. It was this kind of love that held them together. And because they'd cultivated it over the years, and I could talk for an hour about the things they had done to cultivate their love and develop their love and grow their love. And it was stronger when he died than it ever had been before. Express it. And then by courtesy, be courteous and kind to each other. Be a gentleman to your wife. Ladies be a lady to your husband. Continue to show courtesy and kindness and grace to one another. And that will give fresh energy to your love. Remember what Solomon's bride said. His banner over me is love. Everybody can see it that he cares for me. And I'm special to him. Express that by being courteous to each other. And I understand when you've got six kids tagging along. It's not always easy to open the door for your wife like it used to be. I understand some things like that change, but always show courtesy and kindness to your mate. And that will say in bold letters, I love you. Here's a suggestion. Do not criticize your mate publicly. There's nothing that will kill love faster than that. When you betray your mate. By speaking negatively of them to someone else, to the other guys, to the other ladies. Or in a public setting where both of you are there together. Don't air the faults of your mate in front of other people. That deserves to be done behind closed doors or your disloyal to your mate. So continue to build your love by not being critical publicly. And then you know, you know the small surprises that say I love you, the gifts, the cards, the small gestures that are not expected. The notes, the card when it's not a birth date, it's not an anniversary. I mean some of us struggled to even remember those important dates. But you know, if you can just say continually in creative ways, I love you. I'm thinking about you today. You're very special to me. It's amazing what that will do. I read this week about a judge in Florida in a 2002, 2012 case in February. There was a couple that appeared before him in a domestic dispute. And in the courthouse hearing, judge Hurley actually said to the husband who was being charged. Part of the sentence was you will need to get some marital counseling. But then he went on to give this part of the sentence. And he said Mr. Bray is going to stop by somewhere and he's going to get some flowers. He's going to get cards, going to get some flowers and he's going to go home, pick up his wife, get dressed and take her to Red Lobster. And after that, they're going to go bowling. And one of the lawyers laughed, thought it was a joke. And he said, when they go bowling, does he have to let her win? And the judge said, I am absolutely serious. This is part of the sentence. And the court is going to check to make sure you did it. And if you didn't, you'll be back in my court and you'll be sentenced to home confinement or jail time or whatever the sentence will require. He checked with the wife to see if she felt comfortable with him being at home and back with her. And she said, I love my husband. I want to get things worked out. The judge turned back to Mr. Bray and said, okay, flowers, card, Red Lobster bowling. You got your work cut out for you, Mr. Bray. You understand? That was part of the sentence. I like that, judge. That's a cool judge. What he basically was saying is you've neglected. You probably would not be in my courtroom if you've been cultivating your love all along. Now, come on, Mr. Bray, get back to cultivating the kind of love that the Bible talks about. Putting the other person first and doing what's best for them. You've got to cultivate your love. And then finally and quickly love can be rekindled. I hope you never need that advice, but some of you may love can be rekindled. You've got to understand, first of all, what happened? Couples come into pastor's offices, counselors offices, and they say we just don't love each other anymore. There's no reason for us to go on. And there are sometimes reasons for divorce. I plan to preach a message on divorce at the end of this series. And it's not going to be a hard and fast. You should never get divorced. I understand there are even some biblical reasons and other reasons why that may be advisable. But oftentimes when couples say we just don't love each other anymore, I ask for a little bit more information. What do you mean by that? And finally, if you're really nailing down and get to the bottom line, it's that the feelings are gone. There's no more romance in our marriage. We don't have the same feelings for each other. And I usually tell them, well, that's fine. That's no problem. And they'll look at you kind of funny. And, you know, I go through what I've gone through with you this morning. That's not the most important kind of love. That's not the kind of love that will hold you together anyway. You should have expected that would change. That is going to change. And it's going to be up and down. You can cultivate and get that stronger. But that's not enough to hold you together. Look at Hollywood marriages. That's what they're built on. How long do they stay together with few exceptions? Not very long. So what do you need to do? You need to understand what's happened. That you're not supposed to be focusing on the feelings, the romantic attraction and exhilaration. Anyway, you're to be focusing in a biblical kind of love on a biblical kind of love of committing yourself to what is best for that person. So understand what's happened if you feel like your love is gone. But then you also understand need to understand what to do. Not only what's happened, but what do you do? What do you do about that? Because that's a very real thing. You know, you can feel like you don't love each other anymore. What do you do when that happens? Very quickly, look at Revelation chapter 2. Jesus told a church what to do when that happens. It's possible for a group of people who love the Lord to leave their first love for him. That fresh new love you had when you first got saved. It's possible to leave that. It's possible to leave that behind. It's interesting that the same word he uses here is used of the love relationship between husband and wife. So it's possible to do that with husband and wife too. Look what Jesus says of this church in Ephesus. Revelation 2 verse 4. Yet I hold this against you. You have forsaken the love you had at first. Now here's what to do about it. Verse 5. Consider how far you have fallen. Repent and do the things you did at first. Notice three steps. He says. Remember, repent, restore. Remember, remember from when you fall. Now in order to remember how far you have fallen, you got to remember where you started from. So basically what he's saying is go back to those first days of your relationship with me, Jesus, and in marriage. Go back to those first days of your relationship. What was it that drew you together? What was it about that person that attracted you? What were the character qualities? What were the things you saw in them that you loved and that you wanted to build a lifetime with? What was that? Go back to that. Remember. And then repent. You've obviously gotten off target. You've walked away from that turn around. Change your mind. Change your direction and go back toward that person. And the way you go back toward them is to restore, to go back and do the things you did at first. What was it like in those early days? What were the things you did to cultivate love? Those are the very things you need to keep doing to cultivate love. A book that I use with a lot of couples is a book by Ed Wheat called Love Life for Every Married Couple. And then that book, he has a chapter devoted to rekindling love. Ed Wheat is a medical doctor in St. Louis who's written several good books about marriage. And this is one of his best. I have it loaned out to a couple right now, not a couple in our church, but someone else. Love life for every married couple. And he talks about how to rekindle love if you feel like it's gone. He has a four step process that he says is what it means to do the first works, to go back to the first things. And he has it under this acronym, BEST. And I'm going to share it with you quickly this morning. Do your best. If you want to rekindle love, do your best. The B stands for Blessing. So begin to bless your mate again, not bless them out. Bless them. You know what the word blessing means? It means to speak well of. That's what it literally means to speak well of. And so speak well of them. Speak well to them. Speak well to others about them. Do kind things to them. Express thankfulness verbally for them. Pray for God's blessing upon them. Refocus on blessing your mate. The E stands for edifying. Refocus on edifying your mate. Edifies a good biblical word, but simply means to build up. Encourage. Okay, I will guarantee you if your love has begun to diminish and die, you've gotten into a situation where you're focusing upon the faults of your mate. You're focusing upon the weaknesses of your mate. You're both carping at each other. You're critical of each other. You're at each other's throats. What you need to start doing is to re-study your mate. Go back to those first things of finding out and remembering what was good that attracted you to them. There's still got to be a glimmer of that somewhere. So go back to that and begin to build them up. Learn again how to encourage them. Edify the S stands for sharing. Most couples who are struggling with love in their relationship have stopped sharing with each other. They no longer share their time. They come home and they're in separate parts of the house all evening or they're going about their own things all the time. They no longer share activities. They no longer share interests. They no longer share concerns or ideas or their innermost thoughts or their spiritual life or their family goals or talk about their work. They stop sharing. Start sharing again. Start talking again and really sharing your heart and your life and then the T stands for touching. And he's talking about physical contact that is joyful and non-sexual. He's talking about holding hands again. He's talking about putting your hand on the person's shoulder again, slipping your hand around their waist again, giving them a hug. He's talking about those kinds of physical touches that just bring bonds with your mate. Be ST. Do your best. If you'll institute those things, I can guarantee you love will start to be rekindled. I mean, he's seen that happen and it's exactly what Jesus said about doing the first works. I could tell you the story of Pat and Jill Williams. Pat Williams is the general manager of the Orlando Magic. Used to be the general manager of the Philadelphia 76ers. He and his wife Jill were in this boat. Strong believers in a good church in Philadelphia, but their love was dying because he was so immersed in his work and she was immersed in her singing career. Finally, one day she came to him and said, I've had it. I'm done. I do not love you. I do not feel one thing for you anymore. I don't want to divorce you. I know what that would do publicly and to our kids. I'm not going to do that, but I'm going to I'll live in the same house with you, but don't expect anything from me again. And it floored him. He didn't see it coming, which is a telltale sign that he was too busy. He immediately called Ed Wheat and Ed Wheat went through this process with him and he started instituting it with Jill. It took six months for her to show any, any affection toward him at all. And it took a couple of years for them to get their marriage back together. But no matter where you are, if love has left, it can be rekindled. Now, I understand again, there are some who have rightful reasons for divorce. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about couples who are married who feel like your love is gone and you're wondering what to do. Put the effort and energy back into rekindling it. And it can be it can be rekindled. Ronald Reagan wrote a letter former president Ronald Reagan wrote a letter to his son Michael in 1971 just days before Michael got married. This letter is included in the 2000 2004 biography of Reagan entitled Reagan a life in letters. And he says, dear Mike, you've heard of all the jokes that have been rusted about by the unhappy marriage and cynics. Now in case no one has suggested it, there is another viewpoint. You have entered into the most meaningful relationship. There is an all human life. It can be whatever you decide to make it. There are more men going about or griping about marriage who kick the whole thing away themselves than there can be ever wives who deserve that blame. He says there is an old law of physics that you can only get out of something as much as you put in it. The man who puts into the marriage only half of what he is will get that out of it. He says it takes quite a man to remain attractive and to be loved by a woman who has heard him snore, seen him unshaven, tended him while he was sick and washed his dirty underwear. Stay attractive and close to her, he said, and keep her still feeling a warm glow and you will know some very beautiful music. And then he goes on to express his regret for his own failed first marriage. He says, Mike, you know better than many what an unhappy home is and what it can do to others. Now you have a chance to make it come out the way it should. There is no greater happiness for a man than approaching a door at the end of a day. Knowing someone on the other side of that door is waiting for the sound of his footsteps. Love, dad. And he adds this little PS, you will never get in trouble if you say I love you at least once a day. I think maybe the former president had come to understand a few things about love and what it really was in the midst of all the snoring and the unshaven days and the dirty laundry and all the rest. Love can grow, it can deepen, if it's the right kind of love, if it's cultivated and if it's continually rekindled. Let's pray. Father, thank you for the clarity of your word and the principles that are taught about love, the description of love, the commands for the right kind of love, the illustration of Jesus love relationship with the church and emphasis and how to restore that. Thank you, Lord, that your word covers all of these areas and gives us hope and help for our marriages. I pray, Lord, for those that are struggling, maybe tottering right on the brink today of giving it all up and saying it's not worth it anymore. I can't continue this because they feel like their love is gone. Lord, help them to realize what can and should be done to restore their love with their mate. And I pray, I pray by your spirit's power that will be successful in Jesus' name we pray. Amen.