Truth or Consequences

Well, some of you, my age and older and maybe a little younger, will remember the game show Truth or Consequences. 30 years it lasted on television and for 20 of those years, the famous game show host, better known for let's make a deal, Bob Barker, tended over the the evening shows of Truth or Consequences. And for those of you who remember the program, you remember that you had about two seconds, the contestant had about two seconds to answer, answer truthfully a question. And then that was before Bulda the buzzer went off. And when Bulda the buzzer went off, it was too late to answer the question. And you got the consequences. Well, the game was set up, so really very few people of anyone answered the question. You answered it right. There were two more parts to it that you couldn't answer because the whole show was set up to give you the consequences. And the consequences were usually some zany, crazy skit, embarrassed the person who had missed the question. But sometimes it could be very heartwarming ending. Sometimes they would bring on a long lost family member that this person hadn't seen in years or a family member that had been in the military that they were being reunited with. And so the game was set up to really force the contestant to recognize the consequences of not being able to tell the truth and answer the question. That was the way the game was set up, but that's not the way life is set up. In the game everybody wanted the consequences. In relationships, in life, we would much rather opt for truth. I think deep down most of us yearn for honest relationships, whether that be friendships, relationships with brothers and sisters in the body of Christ, the church, especially in a marriage. I think deep down we long for an honest relationship, one that is open, one that's vulnerable, one where we can share our failures and our successes, our shortcomings and our strengths. We can reveal doubts and fears. We can find understanding and we can find confidential trust in that relationship. That's what we're really long for. That's what we really want. But how often do we experience that? Occasionally, seldom, some people sad to say never experienced that depth of relationship even in their marriages. Sad to say, most friendships, even marriages are pretty much surface level. No one says anything unsafe. No one discusses any misunderstandings. No one reveals any hurts. No one airs any frustrations. No one asks the difficult questions. It just seems to be, let's keep the peace and don't rock the boat. But if you're relating that way to your husband or your wife, that marriage lacks authenticity, it lacks integrity. And the peace that you win by that kind of relationship is a counterfeit peace. The relationship will deteriorate because nobody asks the questions that need to be asked. Nobody speaks the truth that needs to be spoken. Nobody addresses feelings that need to be shared. And nobody brings up doubts and fears that need to be shared with one another. That is not what God wants out of a relationship where the Bible says two people are to become one. Your lives are united in a closeness and a unity and a bond where there should be honesty and openness and transparency between you. That's what God wants. So we have a choice to make in all relationships, but especially in our marriages, either we develop honesty or we pay the price of a shallow, frustrating relationship. It really is either truth or consequences, truth or consequences. One of the keys to harmony in the home, and we're looking at seven of them in this part of the series on marriage, a marriage made in heaven, a marriage made by God's Word and His commands, of those seven, one of the key ingredients in harmony in a home is honesty. And so I want us to begin this morning by looking at God's plan for honesty. You really cannot debate the biblical position on honesty. God's position on this is crystal clear. You really cannot debate this, but in order to really drive home the point and also to help us see the many shades of dishonesty, I want us to look at a number of verses of Scripture. In just a few moments, we're going to open our Bibles actually to the book of Proverbs because Proverbs says so much about our speech, over 100 verses in Proverbs on our speech. And so it's fertile ground for material when we talk about communication, especially honesty. But I want to focus on a couple of other verses first, and we'll put those on the screen for Ephesians 5, 25, we'll come back to later Exodus 2016 as the first one, the Ten Commandments. God said this, you shall not give false testimony against your neighbor. This is one of the Ten Commandments. May I remind you that the Ten Commandments are God's basic principles and rules for living in relationship. Four of them have to do with our relationship with him. Six of them have to do with our relationship with others. And of those six that have to do with our relationship with others, God counts truth telling high enough to be on that list. So it's pretty important in God's mind to be included as one of the Ten Commandments, not to give false testimony, not to speak dishonestly against your neighbor. So here we go. Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor for we are all members of one body. Here Paul is talking about relationships in the body of Christ, and we're to put off falsehood and speak truth to one another. Now in a parallel passage in Colossians, Colossians and Ephesians are written at the same time to two different churches. And so there's a lot of corresponding material. Paul's thoughts are running down the same tracks in both letters. So he says a lot of the same things, but he expands on a little bit in Colossians. He says in Colossians three, do not lie to each other since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed and knowledge and the image of its creator. Here's the reason why we should speak truthfully because falsehood is a part of the old person you were before Christ. And the part of the new person that you are in Christ since you've come to know Christ as your Savior is honesty, truthfulness with one another. I want you to open your Bible to Proverbs and we'll begin in chapter 6 and we'll do a quick survey through some of the major verses and Proverbs on honesty and dishonesty. Proverbs chapter 6 verses 16 to 19, first of all the negative side of this notice what Solomon says about what God hates, verse 16 of chapter 6. There are six things, the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to him and he lists the seven. The eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies and a person who stirs up conflict in the community. That's interesting to me in this list of seven things God hates. There's one that's repeated twice or various shades of it. And that is dishonesty. God hates a lying tongue and he hates a false witness who pours out lies. Two out of the seven, that's pretty important. That shows how compelling this is that God values honesty and does not want to see dishonesty in our relationships. Flip over a page to chapter 8, chapter 8 where wisdom becomes a person and speaks. Wisdom says seek after me in verse 6 of chapter 8, wisdom says this. Listen, for I have trustworthy things to say, I open my lips to speak what is right. My mouth speaks what is true for my lips detest wickedness. So we are to seek wisdom because wisdom leads to honesty. Wisdom highly values honesty and detests wickedness. Now look at verse 8 where he talks about two different kinds of dishonesty. He says all the words of my mouth are just none of them is crooked or perverse. And these are two different kinds of dishonesty, crooked or perverse. Very different kinds of dishonesty. The word crooked means to be violently bent or twisted. It is the opposite of truth. It is a complete stranger to truth. This kind of crookedness is a bald faced lie. It is just outright lying. But the second word is more subtle. Wisdom does not speak that which is crooked. It also does not speak that which is perverse. That is an interesting word. The original word that was written by Solomon in the Hebrew language is a word which literally means to twist threads or cords or strands to make something beautiful, to make a rope for instance or some kind of ornament. That would be beautiful. It is to twist something in order to make it look more attractive. And when it is applied to speech, this idea of braiding different strands together, of twisting something to make it look better. When it is applied to speech, it means to twist something slightly to make you look better. It means to play fast and loose with the truth to favor you, to put you in a better light, to make you look better than you really are. It is that kind of dishonesty. One of them is just out front lying. The other is more subtle twisting of the truth just slightly to make you look better. And wisdom stays away from both. The Bible says here. If you also flip over to chapter 12, look at chapter 12, a couple of verses, three verses here, chapter 12 and verse 17. An honest witness tells the truth, but a false witness tells lies, verse 19. Truthful lips endure forever, but a lying tongue lasts only a moment. You can see him building his case here. Stay away from lying. Focus on truth. Why? Because one lasts forever. Truthful lips endure forever. A lying tongue lasts only a moment. I like to kind of paraphrase this verse with a statement that I heard many years ago, which I found occasion to repeat to myself at times. Truth and time walk together. He says, truthful lips endure forever, lying tongue lasts only for a moment. Sometimes the only thing that will reveal the truth is time, but time and truth do work together. Truthful lips will last forever. And here's the reason why, in verse 22, the Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in people who are trustworthy. You see, this brings it into an eternal focus. Truthful lips last forever because God values trustworthiness. God values truthfulness. Lying lips do not last forever. Why? Because God detests them. It's an issue of before God, I am to tell the truth. Before God, I am to be honest, a person of integrity. That's what chapter 12 is telling us. Chapter 13, verse 5, another verse on truthful speech. Chapter 13, verse 5, the righteous hate what is false, but the wicked make themselves a stench and bring shame on themselves. Again, an interesting word picture here that Proverbs uses to paint the truth. It literally has the idea of a wicked person causing a stench or causing something to stink. A wicked person is a person who loves to slander this grace people, smear others, cause others to look bad and bring shame on them. Eventually, Proverbs says that stench, that smell, that shame comes back like a boomerang on the wicked person himself or herself. Look at Proverbs, chapter 24, just a couple of others will be enough to suffice. I believe chapter 24, verses 11 and 12. This is so interesting because it has to do with withholding the truth when the truth could clear somebody's name. Rest cue those being led away to death. Hold back those staggering towards slaughter. If you say, but we knew nothing about this, does not he who weighs the heart perceive it, does not he who guards your life know it? Will he not repay everyone according to what they have done? This passage is reflecting a very interesting custom of the day in which Solomon wrote. It is something that we no longer really do in our judicial system, but it was very common then. When a person was charged with breaking the law, they would be brought before the city elders at the city gates and they would be tried there. The evidence would be gathered, witnesses would be called and so forth. And then when the person was found guilty, if they were found guilty, the sentence or their crime actually was written out on a placard and hung around their neck and they were led through the streets of town. As this was happening and the judicial officials were calling for other witnesses to come forward, when you came out and saw that person and what the crime was, if you knew something about the case which could clear their name, you were obligated to tell the truth. And that's what this passage is talking about. Rescue those being led away to death. Hold back those staggering towards slaughter. If you don't, and then when somebody asks you about it later, you say, well, I didn't know anything about that. God knows. God knows your heart. God knows your deception. God knows that you withheld truth when you could have cleared someone's name. God knows that and he will hold you accountable for it. That's what this passage is talking about. You see how highly God values truth? He even encourages commands us to step in and help others when the truth would help clear their name. If we back away because we're afraid of what it will mean for us, God notes that. God notes that. One other passage which has to do with deception, chapter 26, verse 23, our incredible capacity to be deceptive is described in these verses. 26, 23, like a coating of silver dross on earthenware, our fervent lips with an evil heart. Be sure you get the picture here. Somebody's making a piece of pottery and they've crafted it and they've fired it and it's just an ugly looking, you know, orangish pot. But they put a beautiful blue glaze on it. Oh, how it dresses it up. You'd never know. It's just an old clay pot. Looks like a beautiful earthenware vessel. Beautiful vessel. He says just like that, our fervent lips with an evil heart. The evil is in the heart but the lips seem to be fervently pouring forth gratitude, love, admiration, respect, while all the time the heart is stabbing the person. It's deception. And there's a beautiful word picture here to describe that. Just like a beautiful piece of pottery that if you took the glaze off of it, you'd see the pretty rotten stuff underneath. It goes on to talk about deception, verse 24, enemies disguised themselves with their lips but in their hearts they harbored deceit. The speech is charming. Do not believe them for seven abominations fill their hearts. Their malice may be concealed by deception but their wickedness will be exposed in the assembly. What he's talking about here is even an enemy sometimes will profess that which sounds good in order to promote their own agenda, while harboring hatred or evil intentions malice in their heart toward you. Incredible potential we all have for deception. Well, that's enough to establish the fact that God's position is pretty clear when it comes to honesty. God wants honesty in our relationships. He wants us to be truth tellers but we have a tendency to avoid the truth even when it hurts. We have a tendency to avoid the truth no matter what it means. We have a tendency not to be truthful. Reminded of the story I heard about a little boy who grew up in the country and they had an outhouse. He hated the outhouse. It was too cold and winter. It was too hot and summer and the aroma was unpleasant all year round. But the outhouse was beside a creek and he decided he had already decided in his heart. He was going to get rid of that outhouse. I'm not sure what he planned otherwise for the family but he was going to get rid of that outhouse. So it was on beside a creek and it was kind of tilted one way anyway. One day after a rain the creek was kind of swollen with the rain water and he decided to now it was the time. It wasn't too hard actually with it being tilted a little toward the creek. He got a bar underneath it pushed hard enough, the leverage the enough. Soon it toppled over into the creek and washed down the creek. His dad came to him that night. He said, son, today somebody toppled over the outhouse into the creek. It was you, wasn't it? And the boy said, yes dad, it was me. Said, but dad, I studied at school that George Washington told the truth about cutting down the cherry tree and he wasn't punished because he told the truth. Dad looked at the little boy and said, yeah, but George Washington's dad was not in that cherry tree. Honesty. Honesty is God's policy. Even if it hurts. Honesty. God's plan. We have an amazing capacity to avoid honesty and I'm going to introduce you to some people who are guilty of avoidance of honesty. Now I'm a little hesitant to do this because I'm going to use some names. Don't worry, I'm not going to use any of your names. I'm going to use some first names that go with a characteristic, a kind of untruthfulness or dishonesty. And I'm not thinking of any, I want to make this clear, disclaimer, caveat right here. I'm not thinking of anyone in particular with these first names. I'm using they just as you will see go with the kind of dishonesty I'm talking about. So the first one is Linda the liar. Linda the liar. Just flat out lie. I didn't put those charges on the credit card. Somebody must have gotten our number somehow. Just flat out lie. That's one kind of dishonesty. Some of you were disheartened when the truth about Lance Armstrong, the famous bicyclist, came out that for many years he had been using illegal. Substances to enhance his performance had won seven two to France races and he was stripped of all of those medals in October of 2012. What made it more appalling was for many, many years he clearly said he was not using anything and defamed others who were found guilty. In 2001 he made an anti-doping commercial for Nike in which he strongly disavowed using illegal drugs. In the commercial he boldly states this and I'm quoting from the commercial. This is my body and I can do whatever I want to it. I can push it, study it, tweak it, listen to it. Everybody wants to know what I'm on. What am I on? I'm on my bike busting my place where he sits down six hours a day. What are you on? Okay. Well he came out pretty strong. I'm not on anything. 2006 during sworn testimony in a dispute over his five million dollar bonus. Armstrong said he would not take drugs because he had too much to lose. I again quote from that testimony. The faith of all the cancer survivors around the world. Remember he survived cancer. He said I wouldn't want to let them down. Everything I do off the bike would go away too. It's not about money for me. It's also about the faith that people have put in me over the years. All of that would be erased. And then the allegations were proven true in 2012 that he and his team actually ran the most sophisticated, most deceptive doping procedures in the history of the sport. After all of that. After all of what he said. And I say that not to be critical of him as a person. It just shows the capacity for all of us to outright lie. Just lie. But there's not only Linda the liar. There's also Danny the deceiver. Danny the deceiver is concerned only about appearances. He's a grouch at home. He cuts everybody down with both his words and his actions. But in public he puts his arm around his wife. Smiles. Great with his kids. Deceptive. Deceptive. I remember hearing pastor and well known author Calvin Miller tell the story about a friend one time who got up in the morning didn't want to go into work. So we know what the breakfast table picked up his breakfast. Throw it up in the air and caught it put it back down on the table called into his boss and said I can't come into work today. I just threw up my breakfast. Don't we have an incredible capacity for deception. There's Ellen the exaggerator. Here's another way that in relationships we handle the truth loosely. Ellen the exaggerator is kind of person that goes to the bank with an income's home. It says everybody had a new dress on. I never get anything. I don't have anything to wear. Oh really. Ellen the exaggerator. And then there's Henry the hint dropper. Henry the hint droppers never going to really tell you what he feels. He's just going to drop his. His wife has just gone to work and she's having trouble juggling everything and he feels kind of neglected but it's not like him to really just come out and say we need to talk. I'm not handling this adjustment well that's not his style. He's a hint dropper. And so here's the way he lets it be known how he feels. You know honey I think I'm going to buy stock and stuffers frozen dinners. Oh that's a real singer. You see that one hurt pretty good so he tries another one. You know I work with a guy who every week finds these love notes from his wife in his briefcase or in his suit pocket. Man that's some woman Frank's married to. That hurts too. So that evening behind the papers on a roll now. That evening behind the paper is another singer. Here's an ad for rental wife. I'm going to call the number. That's exactly what I need. You talk about dishonesty and loosely handling the truth in a way that hurts Henry the hint dropper has made it a science. And then there's Mary the manipulator some of you may recognize yourself in some of these people. Mary the manipulator is not one either to just be honest just to really say what she thinks or if she does she says it in a way that is unkind and hurtful. And then she says that her husband's kind of mild manner kind of laid back and she feels he's not motivated. He's not strong. He's not energetic. So she continually saying to him you need to do something you ought to take a class and learn how to do woodworking or learn how to do electrical work or something better yourself. It's stop watching so many ball games. Why don't you why don't you start jogging. You need to start riding the bike. You need that you need that you need that you need to or you don't you don't you shouldn't you shouldn't. She's truthfully expressing her feelings but she's handling the truth in a way that is not helpful. It is harmful and we'll see that that is a form of loosely handling the truth as well. Then there's Gary the guilt tripper. Gary the guilt tripper says after all I've done for you and this is what you would say or think if that's all I mean to you. Well you go ahead and read that's fine. I've got a lot of work to do this evening. Gary the guilt tripper always wanting to put someone else on a guilt trip. Then there's Ivan the Intimidator. Ivan the Intimidator is always right. You cross him and he will blast away at you and put you down put you in your place. So his wife is basically afraid to speak. She's afraid to say anything because she's never right. She's always wrong and he lets her know it. Then there's Pete and Patricia powder. Pete gets hurt. He just slams doors puffs around the house with his head down groans rather than breathe. And his wife Patricia has a different way of pounding. Honey is there something wrong? No. Are you sure? She nods convincingly. And then all you hear is size all evening long. That's not being truthful. It's not being honest. You see we have an incredible array of ways that we misshandle the truth and that we violate God's command of being truthful with each other. I really wanted to add another one Paul the politician really wanted to add that I thought better of it and then thought no it probably fits. I love the story about Ronald Reagan forgive me for using two Reagan stories in a week but he was such a great communicator. He told the story one time walking through a cemetery with his wife Nancy and they were looking at epitaphs on grace stones and they came across when he said look Nancy look at this. This one says here lies a politician and an honest man and he said that's really strange two people in the same grave. He had a way of telling it. The knee. All the politician probably all I should say. There we all have a tendency to decide to play games with the truth. Not to be honest. Not to be truthful. And our relationships suffer because of it. Our marriages suffer because of it. So what do we do? How do we reverse this trend toward dishonesty and deception and get back to the truth telling that God requires in his work. How do we do that in marriage? Let me give you four principles quickly for honesty in marriage. Number one. Begin speaking the truth. Very simple. Straight forward truthful. Begin speaking the truth. Would you please locate in your Bible Ephesians four we looked at the verse on the screen earlier it bears repeating. It is so basic. Paul tells us in relationships in the body of Christ and obviously the same would apply in the closest relationship you and I can ever have and that's in our marriages. Paul says this therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor for we are all members of one body. Okay we're in this thing together so start speaking honestly truthfully in Colossians three we saw the verse earlier on the screen it bears repeating Paul gives us why we should speak truthfully because falsehood is a part of the old life before Christ. And so we're to take that off as the verse says with all that's practices and put on the new self which is being renewed in the knowledge in the image of the creator. So don't lie because that's part of the old life that's part of the old man old person you were in Adam before Christ. It's part of your simple nature where to speak truthfulness truth with each other. So what is saying basically for sake the old way of living the old way of relating go ahead and take the initiative to speak truth to be open to be honest with each other. Now in a marriage that means you first of all need to identify what the truth really is what what really is going on inside of you don't just start blurting the first thing on your mind the Bible has a lot to say about the danger of that as well. But first of all if you're going to deal with truth figure out what it is you're really feeling am I feeling neglected am I feeling isolated am I really feeling alone have I been selfish figure out what it is before you start talking about it be honest with what's going on inside of you and then arrange to talk with your mate as soon as possible don't keep putting it off. Remember what verse 26 says in your anger do not sin do not let the sun go down while you're still angry we talked about that when we were talking about conflict and how to handle conflict but certainly it bears repeating in connection with truth telling don't wait to have that conversation where you deal with the truth make sure you get that done soon. It means you need to arrange to talk with your mate as soon as possible now I will issue a caution here when it comes to truth telling don't dump unnecessary garbage on your mate. I know the lines are very fine here and you have to determine for yourself where the line is to be drawn but sins of the past or just venting your frustration without holding back there's wisdom in not just dumping unnecessary garbage on your mate only that which helps look at verse 29 remember what Paul says here do not let any any of you have any idea what you're doing. It's not going to be unholsom talk come out of your mouths but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs that it may benefit those who listen. Truthfully answer questions but don't unnecessarily dump garbage that's not going to be edifying building up helpful to anybody it's just going to tear down. There's some proverbs that talk about putting a check on our mouth making sure we think through carefully what we say before we just blurt it out. Couple of those probably would be good right now proverbs 13 three those who guard their lips preserve their lives but those who speak rashly will come to ruin and then look at this one in proverbs 15 the heart of the righteous ways it answers but the mouth of the wicked. Gushes evil the heart of the righteous person will weigh the answers it's going to give way what the consequences are way the effect it will have make sure you calculate what is going to happen before you just start blurting out whatever's on your mind there are some things that are probably left in the past under the blood of Christ forgiven and forgotten. There are some things about your frustration that would be better left unsaid honesty does not require you say everything that's in your heart mind. It does mean you don't shade the truth you're not deceptive you're not lying but be careful be careful just that caution begin speaking the truth secondly speak the truth in love. Yeah speak the truth but make sure you speak the truth in love if you're still in Ephesians 4 go back to verse 15 we looked at this earlier also instead speaking the truth in love we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head that isn't that is Christ spiritual maturity comes from combining these two things speaking the truth but speaking the truth in love that balance will produce. Spiritual maturity in the body of Christ and that balance is also needed in our marriages now in marriage here's the way it looks with your with your mate here's the way speaking the truth in love may look it means you need to affirm the relationship that you have before you start sharing your heart before you start bringing up something that's going to be difficult or trying to work through a thorny issue or saying what's really on your mind. How should in the loving relationship that you have you might want to say something like this honey I love you I value our relationship and I want to be the very best that it can be. There's something in my heart and mind that seems to be holding us back from from making it all that it could be and I need to talk with you about that and then begin to talk about whatever's on your heart or mind the truth but speak it in love don't start blasting the world. Blasting away speak the truth in love in marriage it also means that you you observe you ask some questions and you don't accuse. All of us when we are accused become defensive that's a natural self preservation technique we do that physically if we are threatened we we immediately go into self preservation mode if we are attacked verbally we immediately go into self defense mode so don't attack don't accuse your mate but ask some questions make some observations it might sound something like this. I'm sure you didn't mean to hurt me by what was said but that's the way I'm feeling right now and I just want to make sure I didn't understand something could we talk about this. Maybe you want to couch it in those kinds of terms you're not accusing. You're saying this is the way something made you feel you're making an observation you're seeking to draw out your mate but you're not accusing. You said no that's not going to do any good that's just going to create separation and cause the two of you not to want to talk at all. So speaking the truth in love means that you approach each other in a loving way and that you you couch what you need to say in the context of how much you love that other person and you don't want anything to come between you you don't want anything to hurt your relationship. And maybe I'm at fault here and I want to see whatever I've done that's hurt you or caused you to say or think the way you think. Speak the truth but speak the truth in love. Third principle from the scriptures is be willing to hear the truth and to get it this and we need to look at James chapter one. James says some very powerful things about personal interactions that apply to this topic in marriage. James chapter one verses 19 to 20 be willing to hear the truth. That's a part of dealing with the truth in marriage. Verse 19 he says my dear brothers and sisters take note of this. Everyone should be quick to listen slow to speak and slow to become angry because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. Take each of those steps or commands in verse 19 one by one and think them through in your own marriage in your own personal interactions with your mate or with others. The first thing he says is listen be quick to listen. Listen to your mate even when it hurts. You want your mate to be truthful then you've got to listen and sometimes we have to listen to some hurtful things. There are a couple of verses and proverbs that I think apply here again proverbs says so much about our speech. Proverbs 27 verses 5 and 6 better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted but an enemy multiplies kisses. Wow what powerful words. It is better to rebuke someone but to do it in love than to cover up the truth that needs to be told. Multiplying kisses showing evidence of everything is okay when it is not. A friend's wounds can be trusted because they come from a friend they come from one who loves you. So be willing to listen. Proverbs 28 the other verse I wanted to mention. Proverbs 28 23 whoever rebukes a person will in the end gain favor rather than one who has a flattering tongue. You see a rebuke if it is honest if it is well intended and delivered in love is much better than flattery. Trying to make someone feel good about themselves build them up when it is not honest. So honesty be willing to hear the truth be willing to listen even when it hurts. And then James says be quick to listen slow to speak and slow to become angry. Slow to speak don't be defensive and that is so hard isn't it? Again it is our natural instinct when we feel like we are being attacked to attack back or to become defensive. To start giving reasons why don't become defensive. Be slow to speak just let it sink in give yourself time before you respond and then he says be slow to become angry. Resist the temptation to blow up. Again when someone brings truth to you that you do not want to hear it is so easy to respond by just attacking back. And maybe even with overkill more than even the other person may be demonstrating be willing to listen to the truth. Listen quickly speak slowly hold your anger and check. Good counsel from James about marriage relationships. And then the fourth one is this do all you can to have an honest relationship. Some of you are thinking John you don't understand I live with a man I live with a woman who does not want to be truthful. Who will not listen when I try to be truthful who refuses to talk about issues what am I supposed to do? Well this is where the principle of Romans 12 verses 17 and 18 comes in. Romans 12 17 says do not repay anyone evil for evil be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible as far as it depends on you live at peace with everyone. Now in the context of relationships and here he's talking about conflict and having peace between two people it does take two people to have peace with each other. But if you find yourself in a relationship where one is not willing to talk one is not willing to be truthful one is not willing to listen to truth then what this passage is telling you is do all that you can and then you've got to leave the rest with God. Just do all that you can and leave the rest with God if we were to go on we'd see in verse 19 don't take revenge leave that to God leave them in God's hands. God can take care of them much better than you can anyway. He can deal in their hearts in a way that you would never be able to so what do you do in a situation like that you just be truthful you be willing to listen you be willing to speak be honest don't deceive. Make sure you take care of your part of the truth telling and listening and God will take care of the other person just do all you can do. It doesn't mean you should back off and say what that's the way it's going to be I'm going to play the game to two are good at this game man I can be just as no no you do all that you can to do what the Bible says and leave the results and the other person's response in God's hands. So the Bible is telling us in marriages in relationships be authentic in other words I would summarize it this way stop hiding because you're afraid it will hurt if you're really honest about life stop hiding because you're afraid it will hurt too much if you're really honest about life. Here are the choices that some of you face today it's either hard words or hidden hostilities it's either revealed pain or buried resentment for some of you it's either tough questions or it will continue to be unspoken doubts for some of you here this morning it's either a refreshing openness that begins today or a bitter. It really is my friend either truth or the consequences it's pray together. Father help us to be mindful of the truthfulness of your word that you know exactly what you're talking about that you do not mince words when it comes to what is right what is truthful what is right. I pray that we would listen and learn and live that which we hear from your word when it comes to the closest relationships we have whether for some in this audience it may be a friend or maybe a parent or child but for many of us in this audience it will be our mates pray that we would begin telling the truth but we would always tell the truth in the context of love and make sure that you are not. Make sure love is what is heard as much as the truth. Help us Lord to be willing to listen to truth even when it hurts and help us Lord to be willing to do all that we can to establish a culture of truth telling in our marriages. I pray for the person who's here this morning whose heart is hurting because they have been hurt by a lack of truth telling in their marriage or maybe they have created the damage. So I pray today father that you would speak to their hearts about being truthful in Jesus name we pray amen.