Setting Boundaries

Paul says in Colossians chapter 2, so then just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in Him, rooted and built up in Him. Strengthened in the faith as you were taught, overflowing with thankfulness for in Christ, all the fullness of the deity lives in bodily form and you have been given fullness in Christ, who is the head over every power and authority. This scarlet for reminding us that Jesus really should be and is our fullness, our completeness, everything to us is found in Christ. Good reminder. In their excellent book called Boundaries, Henry Cloud and John Townsend write this introduction to one of their chapters on forming boundaries in our lives. And by the way, I would commend that book to you as a good one to read on the subject I'm going to be preaching about this morning. But I want to take a few moments to read this introduction because it really sets the table for what we're going to talk about today. The parents of a 25-year-old man came to me, came to see me with a common request. They wanted me to fix their son Bill. When I asked where Bill was, they answered, oh, he didn't want to come. Why? I asked. Well, he doesn't think he has a problem, they replied. Well, maybe he's right, I said, to their surprise. Tell me about it. They recited a history of problems that had begun at a very young age. Bill had never been quite up to snuff in their eyes. In recent years, he had exhibited problems with drugs and an inability to stay in school and find a career. It was apparent that they loved their son very much and were heartbroken over the way he was living. They had tried everything they knew to get him to change and live a responsible life, but he had failed. He was still using drugs, avoiding responsibility and keeping questionable company. They told me that they had always given him everything he needed. He had plenty of money at school so he wouldn't have to work and would have plenty of time for study and a social life. When he flunked out of one school or stopped going to classes, they were more than happy to do everything they could to get him into another school where it might be better for him. After they had talked for a while, I responded. I think your son is right. He doesn't have a problem. You could have mistaken their impression for a snapshot. They stared at me and disbelieved for a full minute. Finally, the father said, did I hear you right? You don't think he has a problem? That's correct, I said. He doesn't have a problem. You do. He can do pretty much whatever he wants. No problem. You pay, you fret, you worry, you plan, you exert energy to keep him going. He doesn't have a problem because you've taken it from him. Those things should be his problem. But as it now stands, they are yours. Would you like for me to help you help him have some problems? They looked at me like I was crazy, but some lights were beginning to go on in their heads. What do you mean, help him to have some problems, his mother asked? Well I explained, I think that the solution to this problem would be to clarify some boundaries so that his actions cause him problems and not you. What do you mean boundaries, the father asked? Look at it this way. It is as if he's your neighbor who never waters his lawn. But whenever you turn on your sprinkler system, the water falls on his lawn. Your grass is turning brown and drying, but Bill looks down at his grass and thinks to himself, my yard's doing fine. That's how your son's life is. He doesn't study or plan or work, yet he has a nice place to live, plenty of money and all the rights of a family member who is doing his part. If you would define the boundary lines a little better, if you would fix the sprinkler system so that the water would fall on your lawn and if he didn't water his own lawn, he would have to live in dirt, he might not like that after a while. As it stands now, he is irresponsible and happy and you are responsible and miserable. A little boundary clarification would do the trick. You need some fences to keep his problems out of your yard and in his where they belong. Isn't that a bit cruel just to stop helping like that? The father asked. Has helping really helped him? I asked. His look told me he was beginning to understand. I want to talk about boundaries today. We have seen in this series on stress and burnout. We have seen seven keys to coping with stress already. We have looked at what it means to trust God's enablement rather than our own strength. We have looked at what it means to exercise love in relationships. We have looked at what it means to have proper priorities, to have things in perspective, to have the right motivation in life, to manage time well and to observe Sabbath rest. Those seven keys to coping with stress. Today I want to talk about a very, very important one for dealing with stress in your life as it relates to what others expect of you. That is the whole situation, the whole concept of boundaries. If you are here this morning and you feel like your life is out of control or you feel like people are always taking advantage of you or you feel like you can never say no to anyone or anything, then you need to listen this morning to what God's word has to say about setting boundaries in your life, about establishing some fences that need to be built. Having clear boundaries in your life is necessary. It's essential for a healthy well-balanced life and it's also critical to relieving some of the stress that we allow to be piled on us. So if we're going to talk about boundaries, let's talk about exactly what we're going to talk about. We're going to talk about what we're going to talk about, then we're going to talk about what we just talked about in this message this morning. So let's begin by talking about what we're going to talk about. We're going to talk about boundaries. So what is that? Let's begin with a definition of boundaries. Definition of boundary. What are our boundaries? What are we speaking of? Well in the physical world, boundaries are very clear. They're very well understood. In the physical world, that's easy. We know what a boundary is in the physical world. So boundaries are very clear in the physical world. Boundary lines, fences and walls and things like that say, I'm responsible for what's on this side of the fence, what's in my yard, you're not responsible for my yard. So don't come messing in my yard. There are some legal ramifications of that. If you come doing stuff in my yard, there's a boundary line here, private property. I'm responsible for what happens on this side of the fence. By the same token, I'm not responsible for what happens on the other side of the fence in your yard. You are responsible to keep that up. So a boundary line, we understand when it comes to the physical world. But there are also boundary lines in the spiritual and relational world. They are just as real, they're just not as easy to see. And they're just not as easy to determine where they are. Boundary lines in the spiritual and relational world that we live in mark out what we are responsible for and what we are not responsible for. So those are spiritual, relational boundaries. They mark out what I'm responsible for and what I'm not responsible for. And we run into the same problem when we start taking responsibility for what other people are supposed to be responsible for. Or if we start expecting everybody else to take responsibility for what I'm supposed to be responsible for. That's where we run into spiritual and relational problems and untold amounts of stress. You say, well, does the Bible say anything about this? It certainly does. You should open your Bibles to Galatians 6. Galatians 6. And we're going to look at a passage here that identifies clearly that there are certain things you're responsible for and certain things you're not. It's boundaries, it's fences, it's walls that form these boundaries. Very clearly Paul speaks of this in Galatians 6. We're going to begin reading in verse 1. Verse 1, brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently, but watch yourself or you also may be tempted. Now notice verse 2, carry each other's burdens and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself without comparing himself to somebody else. On the notice verse 5, for each one should carry his own load. Now there have been those that have imagined a contradiction between verse 2 and verse 5. Verse 2 says, carry each other's burdens. Verse 5 says, each one should carry his own load. And there have been those who said, isn't that a contradiction? Not really. Not when you understand what Paul is saying. Paul is talking about the very thing that we're talking about today knowing when and where to draw the boundary lines. If you look closely at verse 2 again, you'll notice the word that is used is burdens. If you look closely at verse 5, the word that is used is the word load, different words. The NIV has done us a favor by translating these by two separate words because they are two different words in the language that Paul wrote them in. The Greek language, two different words altogether. The first word translated burdens that we're supposed to carry for other people are heavy burdens that you're not expected to carry on your own. We might even translate the word boulders. This is like a huge boulder that you can't carry. You can't even move by yourself, much less carry. And so these kinds of things, it's expected that we help one another with. It's expected that we get under the load with somebody. When we do that, Paul says we're fulfilling the law of Christ. The law of Christ is the law of love. It's Jesus' law which said we're to love others as we love ourselves. By this we'll all know that you're my disciples if you have love for one another, that's the law of Christ. So when we get under the burden with someone else, under the boulder and help them carry that, we are demonstrating sacrificial love and we're doing what we should do. But the word load in verse 5 is a different word. This word which means a lighter burden, a lighter object like a backpack that we should be expected to carry on our own. You can't carry a boulder but you can carry a backpack. There are certain things in your life that you cannot handle on your own. There are crises, there are tragedies and you need someone else to get under that boulder with you and help you carry that. But there are some things in life that you're responsible to carry yourself and I'm responsible to carry myself. Those are backpack kind of burdens, those are daily responsibility kind of loads. It's a different concept. What Paul in essence is saying is there are some things that we are responsible for ourselves and we should care for them. We shouldn't expect someone else to pick up those backpacks for us. It's our responsibility to carry that load. However there are other times in life when we come under such heavy boulder-type burdens that we can't carry that on our own, we need someone to help us and we do each other a favor when we help each other carry boulders. We do not do each other a favor when we take somebody else's backpack. What happens in a lot of relationships is someone over here is expecting you to take their backpack and carry it for them. That's not legitimate. That's not right. Paul says you carry your own backpack. Now if it's a boulder, it's a different story, but if it's a backpack, you've got to carry it. Some of us are trying to shift our backpacks on other people. That's not legitimate either. Paul says, now you carry your own backpack. Now that we've got the idea in mind, we are responsible to others to help them carry their burdens, but we are responsible for ourselves to carry our own backpacks. Now that we've got that idea in mind, the real question is, how do we do that? And we can discern the difference. Well that's where boundaries come in. Because boundaries enable us to determine what's a boulder, what's a backpack. What are legitimate things that we need to help each other with? What are things that we need to take care of ourselves? And we should bear ourselves. Let me give you some examples of proper boundaries, things that we are responsible for and by the virtue of their description. They will identify things we are not responsible for. There are some proper boundaries in life. Number one, we are responsible for our feelings. We really are. You are responsible for your own feelings. I'm responsible for my feelings. Now feelings have gotten kind of a bad rap in the Christian world today. We talk a lot about we shouldn't live by our feelings and that's true. Feelings should never be in charge of the way we live. But feelings are an indicator of what's going on deeper down inside in the heart. And so feelings should not be in charge but they should not be ignored either. Feelings are kind of like the gauges in your car. You slip behind the wheel of your car and you start the engine. You take off down the road and all of a sudden this light comes on. Check engine soon. Right? Now what does that mean? Does that mean there's something wrong with the dashboard? You need to beat the dashboard or something? Some of you do that. That doesn't work, does it? Now that gauge is simply an indicator that something needs to be tended to in the engine. That may not be serious or it may be serious. But you need to investigate what's going on in that engine. The gauge tells you that. Now your feelings are like the light on that gauge. Your feelings are indicators of something that's going on deeper down inside in the heart. And your feelings are saying, hey, you better take notice. You better do a little examination. What's going on down there? What's going on in your heart? And so David's anger with Naboth in 1 Samuel 25. Elijah's despair at Queen Jezebel in 1 Kings 19. The good Samaritans compassion for the guy who's been robbed on the side of the road and Luke 10. All of those feelings are indicators that something either bad or good is going on down in the heart. And it's a sign. It's an indicator light that you need to check what's going on in the heart. Okay? Now you are responsible to do that for yourself. And I am responsible to do that for myself. I am responsible for my own feelings. Nobody else is responsible for those. And I'm not responsible for the way they feel. But I am responsible for my feelings and for addressing what's going on inside that those feelings indicate. So that's one kind of boundary. That's something that's in my yard. That's something that I need to take care of, my feelings. Secondly, we are responsible for our attitudes. We are responsible for our attitudes. Now by attitude, I'm talking about your orientation, your outlook on life or on others or on your work or on your relationship with God. How you look at things, your orientation toward life, that's your attitude. Now it is true that we may learn our attitudes from other people, but God holds us responsible for our own attitudes. That's in our yard. That's on this side of the fence. I'm responsible for my own attitudes. Now I'm not responsible for what other people do necessarily. I'm not responsible for their attitude, but I am responsible for my attitudes toward whatever's happening in life. Jesus gives us this principle on a couple of different stories that he tells. In Matthew 20, let me just remind you of these stories. In Matthew 20, Jesus tells the story of the owner of a vineyard or a farm who goes out early part of the day and he hires some people to do work for him on his farm in his fields. Those people come to work and then it's not enough and so he goes out in the middle part of the day and hires some more people and then he goes out three o'clock and hires a few more. Finally, he goes out about an hour before quitting time and hires some more people. As was the custom in that day at the end of the day, you get paid for whatever work you did that day and the people who are in line first are the people who only worked an hour and they get paid a certain amount and the people in the back of the line are thinking, wow, that's pretty generous. Just can't wait till I get there. I've worked all day. Look what I'm going to get. You know what happens? When they get to the front of the line, they get paid the same thing. The guy who worked an hour got paid. So they're all bent out of shape and they're complaining and they're saying, wait a second, there's not fair and Jesus in this parable says that the owner of the land says to them, did not we agree at the beginning of the day on this price? Now if I want to be gracious and generous to someone else, that's my business. What he was saying is there's a proper boundary line. You don't make the executive decisions on the farm but you are responsible for how you respond to those decisions. You're responsible for your own attitude toward those decisions. So you've got to deal with what's going on in your heart by way of attitude. Jesus taught us the same principle in the story of the prodigal son. We know a lot about the prodigal or many of you here know a lot about the prodigal son. He's the guy that demanded his part of the inheritance from his father, went out and spent it wildly and used up all of his money, lost all of his friends, finds himself feeding pigs in a pig pin and decides, wait a second. The servants at my father's house get treated better than this. So I need to go back home. He woke up and came to himself, realized he was wrong and needed to go back home. When he comes home, his father just pulls him in with open arms and is rejoicing that his son has come home. And so he dresses him in a robe and puts a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet and kills the fathead calf and they're going to have a great feast. That's often where we end the story but that's not the end of the story. It's not really the point of the story. The point of the story was directed toward the Pharisees who are represented by the older brother. Now the older brother is working out in the field and he hears all this singing and dancing going on at home and he says, what's going on back at home? So he goes and finds out and he realizes that his brother has come home and you know what happens? He starts getting an attitude problem. And he goes to his father and he says, father, didn't I stay here and work in your field all the time? I didn't go waste your inheritance like my brother did and he gets all been out of shape about that. You know what the father said to him? The father said, son, your brother who was lost is now found. It is right for us to rejoice in him. You've been with me all this time but we're rejoicing in one who's come back. You're responsible for what your brother did. He is not responsible for what you do. You are however responsible for how you're responding. Your attitudes toward this whole situation and your attitude is wrong toward grace. So you see Jesus is telling us this same thing. There are certain things that are on our side of the fence that we're responsible for and some of those things are our attitudes. You are not responsible for everything that people do to hurt you. You are responsible for how you respond to it in your heart and in your attitude. You are responsible for that. That's on your side of the fence. Third thing we're responsible for is our choices and their consequences. Our choices and their consequences. And I want to land on this one for a couple of minutes because this is where we mess up a lot. If you're still in Galatians, look down at verses 7 and 8 of chapter 6 in Galatians. Verse 7 says, do not be deceived. God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he soves. The one who soves to please his sinful nature from that nature will reap destruction. The one who soves to please the spirit from the spirit will reap eternal life. What he's saying is we make certain choices in life and there are consequences to those choices. And we are supposed to suffer the consequences or reap the consequences of our decisions. So in very real terms that we live in today, what he's saying is you can choose to study or party. You can choose to work or be lazy. You can choose to live for yourself or to live for God. But regardless of the choice you make, there will be consequences that come because of that choice. And you see sometimes the best way for us to grow and learn and mature is to suffer the consequences of bad choices and learn from them. It's one of the ways we learn what it means to grow in Christ. It is a tremendous problem if we try to interrupt in the lives of others and keep them from suffering the consequences of their own actions. God intends that to be a teacher and a motivator to us. Proverbs chapter 15 and verse 10 says it this way, stern discipline awaits him who leaves the path. In other words, if you leave the right path and start walking the wrong path, God intends that you experience some stern discipline. That's the greatest teacher, it's the greatest motivator not to go down that path again. But what happens a lot of times in this boundary issue is that a lot of us try to keep people from suffering the consequences of their wrong choices. It's especially something we tend to do with our children. God makes a bad mistake and we're there to bail them out, to cover up for them and to make sure that they don't suffer any hurt or harm. And the very best thing that could happen to them is to suffer some consequences for their action. Because it's the only way they're going to learn. Now if we jump in and interrupt this process that God says is so important, if we jump in and interrupt that, you know that we're responsible for our own choices and the consequences of those, then a second thing will happen. That'll be the very person who will grow up thinking everything they do wrong somebody else gets blamed for. We live in a society today where people blame everybody else for their own actions and the consequences of that. You know where they learned that when mom and dad did not allow them to suffer the consequences of their actions. That's where they learned it. So now that they're grown, everything they do wrong that blows up in their face, it's somebody else's fault. And now nobody's there to cover for him. I heard about a guy in prison in a jail, a county jail in Spartanburg, South Carolina. It was in 1998. And this guy's behavior was so bad they put him in a maximum security cell, he was isolated. So what he started doing, there was a little table in there, he started getting up on that table and turning back flips off the table just to create some noise. Well he missed one time and his back came down right on the edge of that table. The result was he was paralyzed from the waist down. In the year 2000, he pressed a lawsuit against the jail saying that the guards should have kept him from doing back flips off the table when he was in isolation in maximum security. You say that's crazy. Well that's happening all the time. We read about stuff like that all the time in the newspaper or see it on the news where people are blaming others for the consequences of their own actions. Listen parents, we're the ones that have to bite the bullet and say I don't like this. It hurts to see this happen but my children need to learn the consequences of their own actions. And if I keep interrupting and heading off that God intended process, I'm going to turn them into adults who don't know what responsibility is about. They're going to constantly be blaming everybody else for everything that goes wrong. You see God intends us to reap the consequences of our own actions. We are responsible for our choices and the consequences that's on our side of the fence. That's our responsibility. Fourth thing we are responsible for, that's a part of on our yard. It's in our yard and that is we're responsible for our limits. We are responsible to set limits on our lives. I'm talking about a couple of things there. First of all I'm talking about internal limits. The kind of internal limits that says I am not going to act on every feeling, every impulse, every desire. It's the basic biblical quality of self-control. It is saying no to destructive desires that will destroy your life. There got to be some boundaries. There got to be some things that we say no. You're not getting past that wall. You're not getting in my yard. I'm going to set some boundaries. I'm going to say no to these particular sinful destructive desires. But I'm also talking about the fact that we need to set some limits on exposure to wrong. I think one of the greatest problems we face in our culture today is we don't know where the boundary lines are anymore. On what's right and what's wrong. Everything has become relative. What's wrong for you? It's not necessarily wrong for me. What's right for you? Not necessarily right for me. I understand there are areas of Christian liberty that are not clearly defined in the Bible. We should make up our own mind. Have our own convictions on those things. The Bible clearly teaches that. I also want you to know there are also a lot of things the Bible clearly teaches are wrong. That's where we need to draw some boundary lines and set some limits. We need to say I will not allow myself to be a part of that kind of behavior, that kind of lifestyle. God sets the example in this. God sets certain standards. He says, I've got a home in heaven. It's opened to everybody. Everybody's welcome. But you will only be allowed to live with me in my home. If you repent of your sin and trust Jesus Christ as your savior, you go your own way and you don't get in my home. I'm not going to spend eternity with you. There are some boundaries. There are some limits. God says it's not just everybody that's going to be in my presence. And you know what? We need to set some of the same kind of boundaries. We need to say there are certain people. I'm just not going to hang with. There are certain people that I'm not going to allow to influence my life. I'm going to draw some boundary lines. Let's not forget what 1 Corinthians 1533 says. That passage says, do not be misled. Bad company corrupts. Good character. You say, well, should I isolate from all unsafe people? No, no, no, not at all. We should always be open and friendly and reaching out to unsafe people. It's just saying, you know, like the rest of the Bible says, if you choose certain people as your closest friends, your companions, people you're going to be hanging out with a lot, they're going to drag you down. They will corrupt good character. You better set some limits. You better draw some boundary lines. You better build some walls about the kind of influences you're going to allow in your life. Same thing is true with our habits, our viewing habits, things places we go, things we involve ourselves in. I'm not getting legalistic here. I'm saying that under God in His word, we need some boundary lines and some limits as to the kind of influences we will allow in our lives. Today it's kind of like anything goes. As I can watch any kind of R-rated movie, no matter what it has, any kind of stuff, any kind of music, I can allow to influence my mind. And we're not drawing the kind of boundary lines that keep us looking to Christ. We're just letting the boundaries down. And a flood of evil comes into our souls. Romans 12 is very clear about this in verse 2. It says, do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. It all starts in the mind, folks. It all starts with what you allow in your mind. The influences through the media or people you're with that form your thinking processes. And the Bible says, don't allow yourself to be poured into the mold of this world and it's philosophy and way of life. So we need some limits. We're responsible for those. Nobody else is responsible to set those unless you are a child still living at home and your parents are responsible to set those limits. That's part of what Ephesians 6 says when it says parents are responsible to rear their children in the nurture and training and discipline of the Lord. You know what the purpose of that discipline is though? You know what the purpose of that training is so that when you become an adult, you will know how to set limits and boundaries for yourself. That's what the purpose of it is. And so we've got to set some, we are responsible for our own limits. Fifthly, we are responsible for our opportunities. This is something else that's in our yard. Nobody else is responsible for this but we're responsible for ourselves and that is our opportunities. In Matthew 25, Jesus tells an interesting story. We won't take the time to turn there and read it but it's a fascinating story about the parable of the talents. You remember the story Jesus talks about a wealthy landowner that goes on his way in a far journey and he leaves responsibility for his property in the hands of three servants. One of them he gives five talents which is a measure of money indicates how much responsibility he's supposed to get. The other he gives two talents, a third he gives one talent. And the one with five talents is faithful and works hard and invests and gains more and prospers. The one with two talents does the same thing and the one with one talent because he's afraid of his master and he's afraid of losing it, digs a hole and hides it. And when the master comes back and this by the way is a parable which is to illustrate Jesus coming back and whether or not the Jewish nation is ready for him to come back. The idea is I've given you so many opportunities. Those of you who use them you'll be ready when he comes back. Those of you who wasted them who stuck them away never gave them another thought you will not be ready when he comes back. But I think there are a couple of other lessons we can learn from that story. One is that we are responsible to use our opportunities that God gives us. We are responsible to use them. If we don't, if God gives us something to do, if he gives us abilities or spiritual gifts or opportunities and we don't do that we don't use them to the fullest for his glory we're going to have to give an account for that to him. He expects us to use that. We're responsible for that. The second thing I think is important in that story is that we are not responsible for the opportunities given to someone else. You see the two-talent guy didn't have the same opportunities, maybe not the same natural abilities or spiritual gifts as the guy who had five. But they were both rewarded equally. Why? Because two-talent guy is not responsible for what the five-talent guy does. He's only responsible for what he does. What Jesus is saying is there are boundaries, there are limits that have to do with opportunities. Now where a lot of us get in problems is there are a lot of us two-talent people who are saying, man, I'd sure like to be like that five-talent person over there or I'd sure like to have a church like that five-talent person over there. I'd sure like to be doing this like they're doing. And we try to emulate the five-talent person when God's given us two and said, you'd be faithful in that, you'll get the same reward. We've not learned to draw boundary. We've not learned to draw fences and be responsible for what's in our yard, not what's in the other guy's yard. So we are responsible for whatever God gives us to do, but we are not responsible to try to be something else or someone else other than what God has made us. We are responsible for our opportunities. Okay, we've looked at a little bit of what's in our yard, what we're responsible for, what's on our side of the fence. Now the next question is how do we build the fences? How do we draw the lines? How do we make the boundaries? What are those boundaries? So having looked at some examples of proper boundaries, let's talk about how to set proper boundaries. Setting proper boundaries, determining what is in my yard, what's in somebody else's yard, what I'm responsible for, what's somebody else's responsible for, what is a backpack that I should bear, what's a burden that I should get someone else to help me with. Let me give you five boundaries, five fences that we can build in our lives. Fence number one has to do with words. Words, one of the protective fences that we use to build boundaries is our words. The most basic boundary setting word is a very simple one. It's the word no. That's the most basic boundary setting word. But it can be used in a lot of ways. Saying no as a boundary may mean that you have to confront someone who is sinning against you as Matthew 18 says. And what you're going to say is no. Your behavior is not acceptable that will not be tolerated in our family or in our church or whatever. That's behavior is not acceptable. No. Or you may have to say to that person, no, you will not be allowed to abuse me in that way. You will not be allowed to sin against me in that way. No. That's a boundary. That's a limit. You cannot go any further in that kind of behavior. Or it may mean that you resist the pressure of other people. And you say no. I will not be pressured into something that I know that God does not have for me. Let me give you an example of this. In 2 Corinthians 9 Paul talks about this in relationship to an offering he was taking. And he said each man should give what he has decided and his heart to give not reluctantly or under compulsion for God loves a cheerful giver. In other words, nobody should feel compelled by pressure from other people to give a certain amount or even to give in this offering that I'm taking Paul says between you and God. And by the same token, we should not feel compelled or under pressure by our own expectations of what we should or shouldn't do. What he's saying is clearly determine what God wants you to do. What God has gifted you to do or what God has equipped you to do. What is legitimately in your own yard and don't go any further than that say no to pressure from anyone else to try to make you do something that you know God has not wanted you to do? Now quite clearly we know what God wants us to do in areas of behavior and morals and Christian living and the Word of God. That's the place to start. So start there. And there may be other things that God's laying on your heart to do or not do and others will try to pressure you. Paul says don't do that under compulsion. You give as God enables you to give. Sometimes our words are ways of saying no. Let me just give you real quickly a very personal illustration of this. All of the churches I've passed or before I came here were rather small churches and it was the kind of thing where for the first 17 years of my ministry I was a solo pastor. I did everything that was to be done. Did all the preaching and teaching, did all the visitation, counseling, letter writing, and from the phone, everything. And so that was kind of what I was used to. When I came here I began to have to make some adjustments. That wasn't easy for me to do. And as the church began to grow I began to realize there were other adjustments that needed to be made. And I had to say no to some things. There were things I'd dearly loved and felt fulfilled in doing as a pastor. In order for the church to be well served I had to say no. I had to set some boundaries so that I could focus on what God had for me to do. And there were others that could do those other things and do them better than I could. One of those things was visitation. Sometimes this has been a little difficult for the church to understand too. One of those things was visitation in hospitals and first response to people needs. And when we hired Jim Simmons that was to be his job. The reason for that was our church was growing to the point that one person could not cover those bases. And we needed someone who could focus, time, and attention and energy on those things. So that I could devote to other things that were needing more attention. Like leadership of the church and setting vision and goals and leading our deacons and pastors in the future of the church and ministering to the staff and leading them. And then the ministry of the Word and prayer which is my chief focus. And so I had to start saying no to some other things. Now I still do some hospital visitation and counseling and those kinds of things because I just don't want to lose touch with that. I think that's good for any pastor to do. But Jim does the most of that. And quite frankly at times that's been difficult for me to back away from. Because it's in my heart to do that. And when the call comes, I want to be the first one at the hospital. But I have to say, wait a second, if I do that every day, then there are lots of other things that are going to suffer that only I'm supposed to do. That's why we hired this man right here. And you know what, the church is better served because of it. He does a better job at that than I have. The same thing. I used to do all the finances. When I first came here, I did all the finances. I figured up the budget to talk with the finance committee about, did all that stuff. It's just what I was used to doing. And I will guarantee you when we pass that baton to Jim Knopfsinger, it is much better taking care of now than when I was doing it. With the churches better served. Now I still have management responsibilities. You know, I've got the sign on my desk. It says the buck stops here and something goes wrong. I have to make sure it gets taken care of. But the day-to-day responsibilities are some of those things. I've had to go to some other people. What happens is it's been difficult. I've had to learn to say no and draw some limits so that the church can grow. I've often heard it said and I've finally begun to realize it's true. If you're the kind of person that has to have everything under your thumb, you become a bottleneck. And whatever you're doing is not going to get any bigger than your thumb. You've got to be able to delegate to some things. So I've had to learn the hard way. Say no to some things that I'd dearly love to do and want to do. But somebody else has to do them in order to give the time to them that has to be given. And the church is better served because of it. It was a difficult process but I've learned to draw some boundaries in my life in that way with words. Second boundary quickly is truth. Here's a fence that determines what's in my yard, what's in your yard and that's truth. Obviously, first of all, God's truth, the Word of God dictates what we are to believe and how we are to live. John 17, 17, Jesus said in His prayer to God before He died, sanctify them the disciples by the truth. Your Word is truth. The Word of God defines for us what truth is, what falsehood is. That's our rulebook for living is the Word of God. So that's truth. And I'm also talking about the kind of truth that says I'm going to be honest about who I am and who I'm not. Remember the five talents and two talents? Honesty is being able to say, you know I'm one of the two talent guys and I'm going to stop trying to be like the five talent guy because that's not how God made me. It's not who He made me to be. And sometimes honesty is saying, you know, as I reflect before God in prayer, I believe I'm one of the five talent guys and I've got to exercise those because I'm responsible for those before God. I'm talking about being honest with whatever God's given you to do. Some of us are living scattered and stressful lives because we're trying to be somebody else. We're trying to be like someone else rather than being who God made us to be. Be truthful, be honest, be genuine, be transparent, be who God made you to be. That's truth. Thirdly, another fence that we use to set boundaries is distance. Sometimes we just need some distance between us and some things and that becomes our head, our wall, our fence. I'm talking about sometimes a spiritual distance. Proverbs 22 and verse 3 says, a prudent man sees danger and takes refuge but the simple keep going and suffer for it. If you're going to be wise about the way you live your life, there are certain things you see coming down the pike, temptations that are getting close and you say, I've got to run. And away from that, I'm going to put some distance between me and that thing or it will consume me. Spiritual distance sometimes is important. Sometimes it's actual physical distance. You've got to get away from something or emotional distance. Sometimes you have to back away from someone who's really draining a lot of your emotional energy and say, I've got some need to refresh, to recover. Distance sometimes is important. In the Lord of the Rings movies, in the first of the three trilogy, J.R.R. tokens, fine books were put to film by Peter Jackson. He did a wonderful job of reflecting tokens, Christian symbolism in the books. Tolkien was a believer who wrote the Lord of the Rings as an allegory, a symbolism of what it means to overcome evil. And in the books and in the movies, there is a ring that has been formed by a dark Lord, Lord Sauron, and the purpose of that ring is to embody evil. That ring embodies evil and its attraction and it will be used by this dark Lord to conquer the earth. But that ring has fallen into the hands of a hobbit by the name of Bilbo Baggins in one of his many adventures and he realizes as others who know about the ring, realize that it must be taken to Mount Doom and destroyed in the fires there. It's the only way to keep evil from overcoming the earth. So he realizes that his cousin, Frodo Baggins, has a pure heart and can be entrusted with the ring to take it to Mount Doom and so he gives it to him. In that first installment of the three Lord of the Rings movies, there is one case or one place where Frodo is on his way to Mount Doom and he meets up once again with his cousin, Bilbo Baggins. And Bilbo Baggins wants to give him some things that he thinks will be important for him in his journey. But I want you to see what happens next. Let's take a look. My old sword. Take it. Take it. It's so light. Yes, yes. Made by the elves, you know. The blade glows blue when orcs are close and it's times like that, my lad, when you have to be extra careful. Here's a pretty thing. Meethrill. As light as a feather and as hard as dragon scales. Let me see you put it on. Come on. Oh. My own brain. Oh gosh. I should very much like to hold it again one last time. I'm sorry I bought this upon you, my boy. I'm sorry that you and I were carried away. I'm sorry I bought this upon you, my boy. I'm sorry that you and I were carried away. I'm sorry for history. What happened is the draw, the compulsion that draw of evil was so overpowering that anybody that gets close to the ring who's come under its dominion is drawn to it with an evil compulsion, almost demonic compulsion. What the Bible is telling us is that a wise man, a man like Frodo, a man of a pure heart, sees that and knows how to overcome that and does not let evil take him in. So sometimes the best boundary we can draw is just to get away, to back away, to stay away from those rings of evil that overpower us. Don't go to those places, don't be involved in those activities, distance yourself. Number four, fence that we can build for boundaries is time. We talked about that in the last couple of weeks, setting proper time boundaries, observing Sabbath rest, those are the kinds of things that are important in building boundaries in our lives using time. And in the fifth building material for building fences or boundaries is consequences. We need to establish the consequences of actions that others do or allowing natural consequences to be felt. That's tough love. We've talked about it a few moments ago in our families in particular as difficult as it is for a parent to see this happen. Sometimes, unless obviously it's going to mean, you know, a kid's riding a, you know, try sickle out, going to get hit by a car or something and you try to stop that. Obviously, you intervene in a case like that if you can. But what I'm saying is, in cases where your children will learn through their mistakes, let them learn. Let them suffer the consequences of their actions and they and you will be much better for it. Paul was not kidding when he said in 2nd Thessalonians chapter 3 and verse 10, for even when we were with you, we gave you this rule. If a man will not work, he should not eat. Paul wasn't kidding about that. There were people in Thessalonica that had quit their jobs and were mooching off of everybody else and Paul says, okay, if they don't work, then don't feed them. And sometimes we need to do that at home, don't we? Got a 30 year old child still at home? Won't get a job? Don't feed them. Just don't feed them. Let them starve. Paul's not joking about that. They'll get a job pretty quick if you don't feed them. If a man doesn't work, don't let him eat. What he's saying is, Institute some consequences as boundaries as limits is important. What we need to do is to learn, as Paul said, help with the burdens that are too heavy to carry by yourself. Help with the boulders. Yes, reach out and show the love of Christ by doing that. Give sacrificiale, pour yourself into the lives of others that way. But, but if it is a backpack, don't you dare carry that for someone else. It's their responsibility to carry. Each man should carry his own backpack. And we've got to learn to set some boundaries, to learn the difference between boulders and backpacks. Let's pray. Father, I thank you that you've given us clear direction and instruction in your word. And I ask Father that you would help us to understand these principles. Lord, some of us are suffering incredible stress today because we're trying to carry someone else's backpack and it's more than you told us to carry. And some of us are not faithful enough to reach out and carry others boulders. Help them. So Lord, help us to find that balance, to draw proper boundaries and not just be drawn into everything that everybody else expects that we should do. Carry their backpacks for them. I pray, Father, that you would help us to demonstrate the love of Christ when it's necessary and needed. And also to build boundaries that will keep us from spiritual, physical, emotional harm.